little mommy

Lily in the last few weeks has become a little mommy. She wants to take her baby for walks in the stroller

she wants to wrap the baby up in blankets and put them to bed, during lunch she wants a special sandwich just for baby


















last night we walked to a church playground and I just loved watching Lily with her baby, she pushed her on the swing, had lance drop her down the slide so she can catch her, and she carried her up the rock wall, it was very sweet.



























I am just blown away by how different girls and boys are and how we don't push lily towards babies and playing mommy, but she does it all on her own, just like lance gravitates towards vehicles.

Lily has grown so much this summer and she isn't a baby anymore, which is sad, but so much fun!

so this is normal

Lance has a speech delay.  He has made lots of progress this past year, but he still is not as verbal as a normal almost 4 year old.  We had concerns about his speech when he was 18 months old, but since we had no comparison to what normal was we weren't overly worried, we figured he would talk when he was ready.  With Lily, we had low expectations on her talking, especially since second and third children are normally late talkers, though this isn't the case for her.  Or then again, maybe it is, but since Lance is so delayed her speech seems normal or advanced to us.  Everyday she is saying a new word and though a lot of words sound pretty close the same she is doing something that Lance never did and tries to say new words.  Now with Lily's speech developing so quickly I realize how slow Lance's has been.  I am blown away at her vocabulary at 18 months:
Lily's words:
treat, socks, shoes, booby, nanna (banana), juice, cat, dog, goat, uh-oh, choo-choo, Gigee (name for grandma), Ella (a friend), hi, bye-bye and of course dadda and momma, but she prefers mamma to dadda
I know I am leaving out a few, she is blowing me away with all her words.
At this age Lance could finally say momma, and he said dadda, uh-oh, all gone, bye-bye, what's that, and maybe one or two other words.
Fortunately thanks to speech and preschool Lance's vocabulary has increased to more than 50 words everyday he too has a new word and he is putting more and more words together.  He still has a long way to go, but he is making so much progress.  Hopefully Lily will continue to help Lance with his language development and every day I am blown away by how quickly and Lily says words.  So this is what normal looks like, I had no idea.

Lily's arrival

Saturday and Sunday Lance was sick, not the ideal way to spend your last weekend, he had a bad case of diarrhea, it was rough, but I realize now what a blessing it was because the 3 of us relaxed all day on Sunday so we were ready for what Monday brought us. All day Sunday I had contractions 10 minutes apart, but they didn't hurt. We even got some more big belly shots, not realizing that tomorrow would be the big day. I look like I have a basketball hidden under my shirt.


That evening Lance was feeling a bit better so we headed outside to play. Jeff used sidewalk chalk to create his interpretation of Lily.

He created two babies because the first one wasn't good enough.


After watching an episode of Mythbusters that made me laugh so hard I joked I would go into labor (since everyone had been telling us hundreds of ways to induce labor for weeks now) we went to bed. That was 10:30ish, maybe 11.
At midnight I woke up in pain, a contraction, and it finally hurt. The contraction subsided so I tried to go back to sleep but 6 minutes later another one hit. I laid in bed for about 40 minutes and realized that I wasn't going to go to sleep so getting up and doing something might help. I called my mom to warn her that labor seemed to be near and that we would like her to come over soon. I got up took a shower, got dressed, and packed up all the things we needed for the hospital. I couldn't believe I was in labor. We then watched a Nova special on tv that we had recorded, not a great way to pass the time, considering every 6 minutes I would hit the info button on the tv to check the time and all I really wanted to do was sleep, but in the wee hours of morning there isn't a lot of options on tv. We were starting to get antsy because the contractions were painful, but not increasing in frequency so we called my mom and had her come over so we could take a walk around the neighborhood. It is amazing how many people still have lights on or music playing at 2 in the morning. By 3 a.m. my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart so we got in the car to go to the hospital, we joked that we should have walked there since it is kind of across the street, but I felt weird walking down the street with my pillow. We got to the hospital and was taken to a triage room since my water hadn't broken (they are discriminator against those of us whose water doesn't break naturally). The nurse hooked me up and checked me, 1-2 cm, no progress. AHHHHH, I was disappointed. I was having painful contractions 2 to 5 minutes apart and they weren't doing anything. The doctor came in and told me that I had a weak uterus and that they wanted to give me some pain medication to see if I made any progress or if the contractions stopped. He also told me that the contractions I was having are more painful then actual labor, great all pain and no gain. I was so upset, I was really hoping for a short easy labor. "They" say the 2nd time around is easier, yeah right. They gave me morphine and told me that I wouldn't need an anti-nausea medicine with it. The morphine was HORRIBLE!! I couldn't lift my head off of the pillow, the room was spinning, I couldn't keep my eyes open, the pain was still there, I was nausea, I was clammy and sweaty, I felt worse then I did when the contractions were full strength. After two hours of me begging the nurse for something to help me feel better the doctor came back in to let me know that they would be sending me home because the contractions had slowed down to every 14 minutes, I was only 2-3 cms dilated, and that they would not keep me in the hospital because they already had 3 inductions and 1 c-section that day. I was so upset, there I was, 41 weeks pregnant, miserable, sleep deprived, and I had just been told that I was going to be sent home just to return in 24 hours to be induced or possibly sooner if the contractions picked up and made more progress. The nurse did ask if I wanted to leave right then or if I wanted to wait until the morphine wore off. I was shocked, here I was unable to lift my head off the pillow, they didn't allow me to walk to the bathroom by myself, but they were going to send me home? Fortunately Jeff, who was in sound mind, said that we would wait until the morphine wore off, which they said could take hours, 4 hours actually.
Then things got better.
Shift change of nurses. Our new nurse came in, way too chipper for 7 in the morning, but what I didn't know then, but I know now, is my angel had just arrived. She introduced herself and then gave me the best news I had heard in a long time, the doctor who was starting his shift at 8 am would not send me home and would most likely induce me and she believed that I was indeed in labor and it would be silly to send me home, especially since I would be back in a matter of hours. I was so happy I could have hugged her, but that morphine kept my head glued to the pillow. This was at 7:30 and the morphine was only given to me from 5-6 and I was still doped up, how people get addicted is beyond me. Dr. N came in at 8:30 and told me I had two options, he could induce me or I could go home and let my doctor induce me the next day. My response: I am 41 weeks pregnant, hadn't had any sleep, and I was not going home unless I have a baby in my arms! He asked me if I was planning on getting an epidural, I said yes, because at this point natural labor wasn't going to be happening, with no sleep, hard contractions with very slow progress, and I was about to get a dose of pitocin which I heard can be intense, I didn't want to feel anything anymore. The nurse left and shortly thereafter I needed to use the restroom and so I called for a nurse. My nurse wasn't available at the time so her supervisor came in to help, I sat up and that is when the nausea really hit. It was horrible, the nurse asked why I wasn't given anti-nauseous medicine, I told her I was told I didn't need it, she said that you always need it with morphine and left quickly to go get some. They gave me a very mild one that they give to cancer patients and it helped me feel better quickly. It didn't take away all of the yuck with morphine, but it helped tremendously and I was quite frustrated that my first nurse didn't ever think to give me this drug especially when I was crying and begging for something to take away the funk I was experiencing and she kept telling me there was nothing they could do for me. So after getting a new drug to make me feel a little better we headed over to a labor and delivery room. I should note the morphine I was given at 5 am, finally wore off by 10-10:30, that was some strong stuff. The nurse ordered the epidural and though I felt weird getting an epidural when my contractions were so far apart and not as painful as they had been or could be I went ahead and signed my life away. Fortunately my contractions started coming a little closer together by the time the doctor came in to give me the epidural so I knew that it was better than sticking it out till things got worse. I did have a painful contraction right when the anesthesiologist was putting in the needle so it was really hard to hold still, but Jeff and the nurse were very supportive and I though crying was able to hold still. I was terrified the whole time, it is scary getting a needle in your back, but the anesthesiologist said that he loved skinny people like me because it makes the process easy to do because he can see/feel where everything needs to go and he told me that I had a great backbone for the epidural. So my back was made for getting the epidural, what a trait to have, too bad my body doesn't seem that great on making progress in labor on its own. When I first got my epidural and the nurse was monitoring my blood pressure I had a bit of a scare when I realized I was having a hard time swallowing, the epidural was affecting my ability to swallow. Then I realized that my arms were also kind of tingly and that the epidural was working a little higher than it should. Fortunately the nurse was there and she had me sit up a bit more and I began to function normally again, it was quite weird to have to really think in order to swallow. Shortly after getting the epidural Jeff curled up and went to sleep. I wanted to sleep and was kind of out of it because of the Benadryl to counteract the itchiness side effect of the epidural. The joke of the day, was "a drug to counter act the side effects of the drug," and we kept saying, oh you need this to counter act this and this, everything seemed to need something else to go with it. Despite being drugged up I couldn't fall completely asleep, thanks to the blood pressure cuff that went off every 15 minutes. I kept dosing off, but would jerk awake every time the cuff started checking my blood pressure or when Lily would move which would make the heart rate monitor stop beating or give feedback which was really annoying. I don't remember Lance being so active when I was in labor, or the last few weeks for that matter, but Lily was moving and grooving. I was extremely tired, but couldn't sleep, it was hard watching Jeff snooze away. At some point, I think around noon or 1 o'clock, the doctor came in to break my water and check for dilation. I was 5 cm, slow going, my expectations were out of whack, since I had been in "labor" for 12 hours or so and I was only 5 cm, what ever happened to 2nd babies arriving faster than first ones???? Well the doctor didn't need to break my water with that contraption they have (the knitting needle thing) because he was able to break the bulge that was there with his hand while checking my dilation. Once again, water breakage was nothing really, her head was so low that there isn't the gush that some people describe. I f watching Jeff sleep was hard, watching him eat was even harder. My mom stopped by and brought him food which he enjoyed while I watched on with my stomach grumbling, I had not eaten since 6:30 the night before and I was on 18 hours with no food and really wanted to eat. After lunch Jeff went back to sleep and I had the nurse sneak over and grab my camera for me so I could get the picture of him sleeping away with a big bag of snacks beside him.
I tease him that he was the oh so supportive labor partner who slept away the afternoon. When the Benadryl wore off I tried watching television, but wouldn't you know there was NOTHING decent or interesting on. I was bored and Jeff was out cold so I didn't have anyone to talk to. My nurse and I talked for awhile, but I felt bad having her entertain me so I called a couple of friends and my mom and complained about my boredom and how frustrated I was that Jeff was out cold and I could only sleep for 10 minutes at a time. At one point I complained to the nurse that my feet felt really fat and that I was worried that they were really swollen. She checked my feet and said that my legs and feet looked alright and I was unable to convince her otherwise. At 3:30 the nurse said she was going to check my dilation and she believed I was probably fully dilated. Jeff and I didn't believe her and we all took a guess at to my dilation. I thought a 7, Jeff an 8, but the nurse was right I was fully dilated. She then said she was going to wait until 4 and then we would start pushing, she wanted the baby to descend on her own. More waiting, I was once again frustrated, this process was so long. The nurse set everything up and we got ready for Lily. We started pushing around 4 and got easily frustrated. I am noticing a theme of frustration here with this labor. The nurse thought it would only take 10 minutes, but it took a bit longer then that. I asked to see the mirror in hopes that my pushing would be more effective, but it also brought even more frustration, seeing the head and then seeing it disappear was hard and I started crying because I just wanted this to be over. The nurse was very encouraging, Jeff not so much. After 15 minutes Jeff began to complain that it was hard to hold up my leg while I was pushing and he was tired, I could have hit him at that point and I am sure I gave him an evil look. I was shocked that he had the nerve to complain about being tired after he slept for at least 3 hours, he had lunch to eat, and all he had to do was hold up my leg, it wasn't like he had to push a watermelon out!!!! Also, I was finally able to prove that my legs and feet were indeed swollen when I left imprints on my legs after a pushing episode. My legs felt so weird because I could feel them with my hands, but I couldn't feel my hands on my legs, such a weird sensation. Sometime after 4:30 we geared up for another contraction and I pushed with all my might, in fact, I pushed a little to hard and Lily's head was almost completely out, not exactly what the nurse had hoped for, she just wanted the head past the pelvic bone, not out. One other thing that was strange is after each series of contractions that I would push we would see the head and the immediately afterwards Lily would kick my in the ribs, she was still wiggling around happily inside. She also moved around so much the nurse had to keep adjusting the heart rate monitor, how that girl had room to move is beyond me. I was starting to think she was really small to be able to move so much, I was very wrong in my assumption. The next couple of minutes were quite chaotic. The nurse had been doing something on the computer so she only had one glove on, that gloved hand held Lily inside, I helped her put on her other glove, Jeff hit the nurse call button, the nurse asked for the doctor and back up immediately, and fortunately everyone came in quickly, if the doctor had been busy the nurse would have ended up delivering the baby. The doctor was a little peeved that the bed was not ready to go, but my nurse explained how I had pushed a little too hard and we weren't prepared for Lily to practically make her entrance on that last push. Two other nurses got the bed ready, the nurse released the head, the doctor pulled Lily out and put her on me, she started slipping off so I quickly grabbed her, it was crazy a frenzy because everyone was trying to work around each other. The doctor pulled her out and then ran around to my side to suction and then back around to deal with the placenta, I really had him moving around, which was totally different then when I delivered Lance when the doctor was in the room for 18 minutes before Lance was born and sat on a stool. I was a little freaked out because she wasn't breathing yet and was so purple, but as I was wiping her off the doctor suctioned her and got her crying, yes I was dealing with the baby because the nurses were still trying to get themselves together. Jeff was too funny, because everything happened so fast I got baby junk (vernix the right term? the white covering on the baby) and blood all over my arm, he was grossed out and kept pointing out the yuck, but I didn't really care, I just didn't want her to fall off of me. Just like Lance she pooped on the way out which made one of the nurses anxious, but the doctor said everything was fine and wasn't a problem. Everything happened so fast. With Lance I remember the doctor suctioning Lance and getting him crying then asking me to push again to get his body out, Lily she basically fell out. I thought she was going to be smaller then Lance, but when they took her over to weigh her we discovered she was 2 ounces bigger. I kept asking the nurses if they were sure that 8 pounds 10 ounces was correct because she seemed so much smaller than Lance, but they assured me she was a big baby and that the scale was not wrong. The nurses probably thought I was crazy, but she seemed so little. Lily was born at 4:43, but I question the time because everything happened so fast and was so frantic, it didn't seem like anyone was really looking at the clock when the chaos ensued. After getting my one stitch, thank you to my wonderful nurse, for the olive oil which prevented tearing, we finally got things cleaned up, got her checked out, was able to nurse her and made it to the mother-baby room by 7:30. It was a very long day and both grandmas and Lance met us back in the room to meet Lily for the first time. Lance didn't want anything to do with me, but he loved his new baby, it was very cute. We finally got settled in and crashed. The next day was very busy, but thankful I was able to get around so much easier then I was with Lance, so despite labor being just was long and hard the recovery was a whole lot different. Lance also got to hold his baby the next day and as you can see he was quite happy to hold his baby.

Unfortunately, nursing wasn't easier and by the end of the day I was hurting and feeling quite down. Fortunately I had some really amazing nurses who were quite supportive and helpful.

Despite Lily being born Monday late afternoon we were able to be discharged Wednesday morning, it seemed so soon after her arrival, but I was extremely thankful to be out of the tiny dark hospital and to my comfy home. We were home by noon and it was so nice to be home.

I am extremely grateful because so far Lily is quite an easy baby. She is for the most part quite content, she allows for Lance to hold her and occasionally harass her. She isn't up all night long and I pray that will continue. We have had problems nursing, but I was not so ridge this time and didn't keep going despite the pain and got help a lot sooner then I did with Lance. Things are getting better and life with two is a whole new experience and I can't wait to get into a routine. So that is my incredibly long story of Lily's birth. 16.5 long hours and one crazy half hour. Unfortunately my doctor did not get to deliver again, once again, I was a day off and this time I felt sure he would be able to, maybe next time, yeah right, I swore off babies so many times that day that I don't think I could convince Jeff to do it again, but who knows, we forget.

I appreciate the honesty

but can you be a little nicer?
Today I had another doctor's appointment. I saw a different doctor and though he wasn't rough or rude, he is very abrupt and honest and well gets right to business. I shouldn't complain, I didn't have to wait for him to come in and the exam didn't take long so I was in and out quickly, but he has no bedside manner at all. He came in, no hello, checked to see if I had many any progress, measured, checked heartbeat, wrote down notes, and was heading out the door when I stopped him to ask him what I was suppose to do next. Oh, I forgot to mention, he did say that there didn't seem to be any progress and that he wasn't going to try very hard to change anything or check for progress because it wouldn't do any good. I am thankful that he didn't inflict unnecessary pain on me, but he didn't have to add that I was a hopeless cause. He told me to call the hospital Tuesday morning to find out what time to come in and I probably would not go into labor on my own so Tuesday was the day, the other 3 doctors I have seen were a bit more positive saying that maybe they would see me on whatever day they were on call, but this guy (who is at the hospital Monday) didn't even suggest he may lay eyes on me again, and I hope and pray that I won't be seeing him. I have heard that he is a very good doctor and knows his stuff, he is just not friendly at all. One complaint I did have was he did leave me like a beached whale on the table unable to get up most of the doctors at least help you sit up and get composed, not this guy, he was ready to move onto the next patient. Though it wasn't a positive experience I felt comfortable that hanging on for 4.5 more days is okay because this guy tells it like it is and if it wasn't a good idea to keep waiting he would definitely tell you. Can I make it 4.5 more days is the question. I haven't had contractions, but my muscles don't want to support this baby anymore so I am in a lot of pain and though she is still considered pretty high (station -2) my bladder always seems full. Did I mention that sleeping is getting hard too? I really don't want to be exhausted going into labor and miserable, why can't I be one of those women who have it easy? This is turning into a pity party. 4 more days with lance, we need to find lots of fun things to do, especially if they involve sitting and being close to a restroom.

Overdue

I am officially overdue and after today's doctor's appointment there is a mandatory eviction notice given to Lily. If she doesn't come by next Tuesday she is going to be evicted. I am nervous and excited all at the same time. I didn't want to be induced, but the doctor thought it was for the best especially if she is close to 8 pounds. The possibility of going natural without the epidural doesn't seem likely with induction especially if the contractions are rough. I just pray that I won't end up with a c-section, that scares me the most. The positives in this situation, my doctor will be back in town to do the induction, I will have her before my 30th birthday (which I wanted), I won't have to wait any longer, childcare can be arranged beforehand and Jeff can get things organized at the shop before her arrival so things will be less stressful for everyone. So I have a week to wait and I have noticed the world discriminates against us late ones. For example, the pregnancy ticker on my homepage gives development information for week 8 of pregnancy, and says "the baby should be here by now," thanks for the support for those of us who might still be hanging in there. Two weekly developmental e-mails I have received these last nine months haven't discussed pregnancy since week 38, once again, no love for us still hanging in there at 40 weeks, they talk about life with baby, well what about life still waiting? Then there are the constant phone calls and e-mails we get from people wondering if we have had the baby yet, have we called, no? then no baby! trust me, we will be so excited to see her we will let you know. I know that everyone who calls/e-mails means well, but with a daily reminder of lateness doesn't make things any easier especially when it is coming from people who have early babies and don't know what it is like to come close or exceed their due dates. How many people really know what it is like to go past 40 weeks and have been enduring 3-4 weeks of people calling and asking, have you had the baby yet? any progress? when are you going to have the baby? well at least now, we can say, next week! I am thankful that I feel good and hanging in there, not miserable, sleeping pretty well except for the constant full bladder, but I can't complain. I am still enjoying my last days with Lance and I am thankful for each day we have together especially with the cooler weather we have been having.

the waiting game

One of the worst parts of pregnancy, the waiting game.
So today was my due date according to the first ultrasound and so far, no baby, no labor, feeling good, can't complain.
Monday is my due date according to the calendar which I really don't think is accurate considering my cycles were all off of whack before I got pregnant, but it is the day that will officially make me overdue.
So two more days until I am officially overdue.
We had an ultrasound done on Wednesday to determine the size of the baby so I could use this to determine whether or not I want to be induced if she is late.
The ultrasound tech says they estimate on the heavier side and believe she is about 8 lbs 4 ounces. WOW! A big girl already. The estimate they did for Lance was 8 lbs 1 ounce and when he was born 4 days later he was 8lbs 8 ounces so they underestimated for him so I can't wait to find out how right or wrong they were this time. 8-4 is a good size, but they could be off as much as a pound, which would be 7-4, a bit tiny, but if she gains half a pound a week and is late then she will be good sized. I got lots of hand-me-downs from two friends who had 6 pound babies, so it looks as though I might have to edit some of the clothing in her dresser, if she is over 8 she might not be able to squeeze into all of those 5-7 lb onesies that have been shrunk with use, but fortunately we have tons of clothes so not being able to wear a few isn't going to be a problem.
So this waiting thing kind of stinks. I am trying to keep the house clean which isn't easy with a toddler. Also, the phone calls, e-mails, etc, have started and anytime my mom can't reach us she panics, though I don't know why, she is the one who is going to be keeping Lance, we can't leave without her! Speaking of my mom, she has to go back to work this week and will be in meetings all day on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I am hoping and praying that Lily will not arrive until after Wednesday. We have other people who can watch Lance, but I would really like for things to be somewhat consistent and non-stressful for Lance while I am in the hospital, though we might not have that option considering I have no control over her arrival.
I am feeling good and not miserable and I am very thankful for that and that is also why I think Lily is not arriving for awhile, I am not "done," miserable, super uncomfortable, I don't have tons of energy and cleaning the house like crazy, I am just enjoying every moment with lance and waiting.

it's August

Not that I have anything against July or maybe I do and I am in denial, but I am glad that it is August and still no baby. I was hoping for an August birthday, not that it was something unexpected, but babies come early, will I know this first hand? time will tell. Last night I was extremely freaked out, so much so I was tempted to call the doctor, this baby was moving and moving a lot and it had me freaked (the doctor said that there isn't such a thing as moving too much, though I don't know if he would have said this if he could have seen this baby move last night). I just wanted to go to sleep, but it was impossible when my stomach was turning and doing somersaults, for almost an hour. Jeff confirmed for me, Lance NEVER moved like that this and at this far along. She seemed to be turning and we kept feeling what we thought was a shoulder moving around. She moved so much and with such strength she freaked Jeff out so he provided little comfort or support. Sometimes he looks at me as though I am a freak of nature which is something a hormonal pregnant woman loves to be seen as, I miss the sympathy and compassion I got the first time around. It also hurt like crazy, there just isn't enough space for her to be doing such aerobic activities. Though I don't know if it could really happen I was expecting my water to break because I couldn't fathom that everything could remain intact with that much movement, but it is the next morning and everything seems to have calmed down and I am still here and she is still in her water bubble, and moving around, just not so . This baby is extremely active and I am curious how that is going to play out in life outside the womb. Is she going to be like Lance and hate all baby holding devices? Thank goodness I have already have a sling that works so I won't have to try finding one I like, though with so many styles out there I would love another one, but who knows she may hate them, but I doubt it, babies like to be held. We have almost everything ready. Her room is painted, clothes are in the dresser, the bassinet is ready, we don't have the crib set up since Lance is still using it so thing aren't completely ready, but she can come and we won't be in a panic. I have three outfits picked out for her, a small one, a medium one, and a large one, what size will she be? I can't wait for next Wednesday when we get an ultrasound so we will have some ballpark figure on her size, I don't know why I want to know so badly, I guess I am afraid of having a little baby. Little babies scare me, they look so breakable, I like them big and sturdy, I am curious what Lily will be. She will definitely be strong if not big. I am looking forward to seeing what she looks like, but still afraid of the whole no sleep thing, I know it will pass like all things, but it takes weeks, but who knows, I will look on the bright side I might have one of those babies who is a good sleeper, not getting my hopes up there. So bottom line, still waiting, and I have a lot of waiting to do, since I am still a little over a week away.

shelter from the storm

Sunday night I wanted to get a few pictures of the belly before I forget and it is gone so I had Jeff take some pictures. Lance got in on the action because he wanted to show off his baby belly too. I realized when I saw the pictures that I can provide Lance shelter from the storm with my belly, he could stand underneath and not get wet if it is raining. That is quite a ledge I got there for him and we have 4 more weeks of growing to do.
I can still wear my clothes but I am getting to the point where the shirts are covering the belly 100%.

Lance loves to show off his baby belly too.


Lance is so proud of himself.

bad news

Not just one set of bad news did I get this morning, but two. Nothing earth shattering, but still upsetting. First I had a doctor's appointment this morning everything was fine, bad news: my doctor will be on vacation the first two weeks of August- when I will be 39 and 40 weeks, go figure. I knew that the chances of him delivering Lily were slim, but it stinks that the last two weeks of my pregnancy I will have to see unfamiliar doctors that I haven't seen before especially when I might have to consider induction and other late pregnancy stuff. My doctor was on vacation when I was 40 weeks with Lance and it was not good. One doctor I saw stripped my membranes without my permission which hurt like heck and did nothing except make me incredibly uncomfortable for days and another told me all of the dangers of induction and not being induced and then asked me what I wanted to do without their input when all I really wanted to know what is best for me and my baby. I am disappointed that my doctor will be touring Yellowstone and not even on this side of the country when I have the highest probability of going into labor. It stinks. The second set of bad news came from a doctor as well: Lance's doctor. Lance has had a runny nose and a cough for over three weeks now. I called the doctor to see if I should be concerned since it didn't seem to be going away. Fortunately I didn't have to take Lance in to see the doctor we just talked on the phone and his prognosis: Lance has inherited my allergies. One of the things I was really hoping he would not inherit from me. He said that he thought allergies and not a cold was the culprit since it has been 3 weeks, he never had a fever, doesn't really feel bad, and I have allergies. So we got some allergy medicine and hopefully will notice a difference. On the positive side at least good allergy medicine is over the counter now which makes it a lot easier to get and there tons of coupons out there.
So though I am upset that Lance at two is going to have to start taking allergy medicine and my prayer of having my doctor deliver Lily might not happen I am handling things pretty good, only cried for a second when I saw Jeff. Who knows what the future may hold, I may be two weeks late again with Lily or two weeks early. With this baby being the last I am kind of hoping that my doctor will be there, but I am trying to not get my hopes up.

what have i got myself into?

I am starting to get really nervous about the idea of two children to care for. I am watching baby Ella this afternoon (she is 6 months old) and the reality of having two sunk in real fast and I don't know if I am ready. I am afraid, very afraid. I keep thinking, other people have done it, why can't I, but I am still afraid of having two. I realized how spoiled Lance and I are, or should I say how spoiled I am with just having one, one that can play by himself, walk, somewhat communicate his needs, be somewhat predictable, sleep all night, and now we are going to throw a unpredictable, non-sleeping, can't do anything for itself baby into the mix. It won't be just the two of us anymore, it won't be let's walk out the door and head to the park or let's play, we will have to deal with a baby. Oh my goodness, what have I got myself into?

baby names

We haven't settled on a baby name yet, actually we haven't really talked about names since before the ultrasound. Before we knew the sex of the baby we were working on boy names because it seemed so much harder than girl names and I assumed we would have another boy, anyways, we don't have a name, but we have time. Turns out the boy name was easier to decide on, we liked Wesley, Wesley George actually, but it doesn't matter now. We each have a name that we like and at first I didn't like the name Jeff picked but it is starting to grow on me and I am starting to obsess over finding the perfect name because Lance's is so perfect for him and has meaning. The one girl name of signficance that I liked is Hannah which Jeff vetoed immediately (it is my maiden name), he also vetoed Emma and Anna (my great grandmother's names). Yesterday at Target I even consulted the Baby Name Wizard, but I didn't like any girl names that they had connected with Lance, that is a neat idea to over siblings names. Back in December I would call the baby Lily, and I really like Lily, it sounds so nice with Lance, but I think it is really popular right now and since having a really popular name myself I want to kind of stay away from a super popular name. Jeff really likes Olivia, and at first I didn't, but I am starting to like it more, it too is very popular. Today I found a middle name I liked- Olivia Joy and I can't decide on a middle name to go with Lily. I like the sound of Olivia Joy, but it seems so unoriginal, not that I want to name her anything super original, never been done before, no one can pronounce or spell original, but something special. I had picked out with the help of a friend awhile ago Adelyn Joi, but it is to close to Adeline (which I don't love), my mom hated it (whose opinion I value) and I didn't really like the middle name nor was I able to find a middle name that I liked with Adelyn. I am worried that I haven't looked around enough at names in general to find the perfect one, this naming thing is hard, or it is a lot harder than it was with Lance (which we had picked out years beforehand). So yesterday she was Lily and today Olivia Joy, I wonder what I will call her tomorrow, any suggestions?

i keep telling myself they are just clothes

but they are so much more and it makes me a little sad.
In a corner of Lance's room I have a box of clothes that he has outgrown and a few items that he needs to grow into. Since #2 is going to be our last (according to Jeff, I change my mind like the wind) there are some clothes from last summer that I could pass on to a friend's little guy since we have similar tastes and a few items were hers to begin with. Anyways, I pulled a few things out but knew there was more so I pulled out the storage containers from the crawl spaces. I found some items for Haden and realized that I had three storage boxes that were totally full so I began to organize them to make room for more stuff. Last summer's clothes brought back memories of Lance learning how to walk, the beach, and babysitting John and Thomas and that is when I realized, some clothes are just clothes, but others are memories and quite sentimental. The clothes he wore the first few months are really special, not because of anything that happened while he wore them, but because of who gave them to him. There was the striped pjs from "aunt" Christy who moved away, the pooh newborn socks from the secretaries at the high school I taught at, the dinosaur outfit from my friend Jen from our old church, handi-me downs from the Maxsons who now live in France, an outfit from a family I use to babysit for, and so on. A lot of the clothes were from people who aren't in my everyday life anymore because they moved away or I don't work with them anymore or life just changes things. It was nice to go through all of the clothes and remember when Lance worn it and who gave it to us, but at the same time it was sad and is another reminder of how quickly children grow up and life changes. I am so excited about having a little girl, for so many reasons, but sad that she won't be wearing some of my favorite outfits and since Jeff doesn't want to have anymore babies I might not have another little one to put them in again which makes me sad too. I did pull out quite a few neutral items from the 0-3 month phase that I will put on new baby and that made me feel a little better. Part of me is sad that I am having a girl and not another boy who could wear all of my favorite outfits, though I don't know how many they would end up wearing since Lance and baby would be in different seasons, but maybe it is because there might not be anymore children after #2 and that is what saddens me. I don't understand why I would be sad that #2 is it for us because this pregnancy has not been a lot of fun, I know it could be a lot worse, but it has been rough, I don't love being pregnant like some. I love feeling the baby move and I will miss that, but not the crazy digestive system, dry heaving, tiredness, back pain, largeness, etc. I also have no clue what it is like to have 2 children let alone 3, I could totally change my mind come August, I guess only time will tell. So this morning I realized that clothes aren't just clothes sometimes and time doesn't stand still so I really need to enjoy every moment before it is gone.

my baby is modest

Today was ultrasound day and I was so nervous. I wasn't so upset with the idea of having another boy, in fact, I was okay with it, but something told me I might not even find out at all what gender the baby was. The baby was positioned in such a way that the technician couldn't figure out what it was and after letting me use the restroom we tried a fourth or fifth time to tell and the umbilical cord was in between the baby's legs, we really thought we weren't going to know what the baby's gender was and I was so sure it was a boy that it didn't really matter.
After trying and waiting and trying some more we finally saw some parts and the technician is 90% positive she saw girl parts! AHHHHHH! We are having a girl!!!!! I am so excited! Jeff is excited too, the pressure is off, I got the girl and the boy I wanted. It took quite awhile to let it all sink in and I am getting more and more excited. A little part of me, very little, microscopic actually is sad that #2 will not be wearing some of my favorite lance outfits and I was getting use the name Wesley, but I know that one trip to any clothing store will remedy my sadness in a heartbeat. So now we have to pick out a girl name, in the last couple of weeks we had really been focusing on boy names because it seemed so much harder to find the perfect one, but now we have to switch gears and go with girl names, there are so many I like it is going to be hard to narrow them down. Wow, a girl, I still can't believe it.
On a random note: the chinese gender prediction test was right as well as the old wives tale you feel worse and for longer with a girl, and now that I think about it, I am carrying this baby higher than I did Lance, she doesn't kick me on my backbone/tailbone and bladder as much as Lance did.

can't sleep

I feel miserable and can't sleep. I have some serious sinus issues and the claritin I took this morning doesn't seem to be working. I could tell this morning that I would have some allergy issues today so I took a claritin this morning and was doing pretty good until I took Lance for a walk this afternoon. Halfway through my eyes started watering, my nose started to run, I could feel the lovely post nasal drip, I felt gross. I convinced Lance to go in after the walk and watch Oprah (it was about hoarding and it was fascinating), I felt better so I gave in and went back out to play until daddy came home (it was hard being in for an hour when every 5 minutes he would walk to the door and try to go outside, but I really need to give my nose a break). We stayed out until dark and my eyes and nose bothered me the whole time (we even ate dinner outside). Then I had Jeff vacuum for me while I picked up the playroom. I lost a foot part to a dresser in Lance's room so I had to search through the vacuum bag that we replaced, I didn't find the lost part I thought I had sucked up by mistake and I am sure digging in all that dust didn't help the allergies much. I went to bed not to bad and woke up a little after 3 am miserable. The right side of my face is all stuffed up and my throat is just nasty. I can't sleep and I am frustrated that I can't take a decongestant for two reasons, they make my heart race and I am pretty sure they aren't safe while pregnant or at least the ones that are make my heart race. I hope things will get better in the morning, we have plans to go out of town to go shopping today, just Jeff and I. I am really nervous because I have never left Lance for longer than a couple of hours and today we will be gone for 10-12 hours. I know that this will be good for both of us and I can't believe that we haven't been apart for more than 6 hours since he was born (and that 6 hour absence occurred when he was 3 months old!). I also hope that my mom can handle him for 12 hours, he loves her to death and with the weather going to be beautiful it should be an easy day for her, all she has to do is sit outside with him and make sure he doesn't go out in the street, I made sure to put a comfy chair for her outside so she can relax and read while Lance plays. I am going to miss my little man, but I know this is a good thing because in 5 months when I am in the hospital with #2 I will be forced to be away for a few days and he needs to be able to handle that, the thought of that makes me sad, but that is a whole other can of worms.
So I can't sleep and when I can't sleep I think, and I came to a few realizations tonight:
1- Going out to eat or eating prepared food is a lot more expensive then groceries and I shouldn't convince myself otherwise. Sometimes I try and rationalize going out to eat and that if we share a meal it can cost the same as preparing it at home and then I realized how wrong I was. The tax for prepared food in the city: 11% and tax (non-prepared food): 2.5%! Hopefully the next time I don't feel like cooking I will remember this realization.
2- I am halfway done with my pregnancy! Despite being frustrated because I have nothing to wear things are better. I am not as sensitive to smells, appearances, grocery stores, mucus, etc. Thank goodness because this week has been rough (lance's first real vomiting experience, one stinky diaper because of his congestion, dealing with lots of mucus thanks to his allergy/cold issue, and my own congestion issues that before would cause gagging).
3- That Lance is 23 months old now which means he is almost 2!!!!! ahhhh, I can't believe I almost have a 2 year old and boy has he been living up to my almost 2 year old expectations with opinions and tantrums. It also makes me a little nervous because he is almost 2 and he still doesn't say much, maybe 3 phrases. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to worry until he was 2, but as we get closer and closer to his birthday my concern keeps growing and growing. I get the feeling he could talk, but he just doesn't want to, he seems to be exerting his autonomy by refusing to speak because he knows how desperately I want him to talk, I could be wrong, but it is just that look he gives me some days when I try and get him to say stuff makes me think he knows he just doesn't want to show me.
4- It seems like us making it another month at the shop is impossible, it doesn't seem like we aren't going to make it another week, yet I am strangely optimistic, maybe my brain has checked out at the door, but there is still so much fight left in Jeff and I just feel that if this isn't what he is suppose to be doing then he would still have the passion and ideas for it. It makes no rational sense, but that still small voice says keep going and until something else comes along we are moving along, barely, but we are moving.
5- It's 4:30 and I wish I could sleep because we have a busy day today. I hate being so sleep sensitive due to being pregnant, now is the time when I should sleep like the dead since there won't be much sleep happening in 5 months. Sometimes I wonder, why did I want to be pregnant, why did I think this was a good thing, and then #2 gives me a swift kick in the stomach and I remember what a gift children are and I need to enjoy every poke because in 7 months I will miss it.

love the warm weather, hate the stress dreams

It has been heavenly this past week: sunny and the temperatures keep climbing. Today the high is suppose to be 70 and it is so beautiful outside. Yesterday we spent every waking moment literally outside. We got up had breakfast, folded some laundry, walked down to Magnolia for a snack, walked to the church playground near our house, walked home, had lunch, had nap, walked back to Magnolia to buy a dish and splat mat (but in a different pattern), played in our yard until we came in a 5:45 to make dinner, ate dinner outside, played outside after dinner until it was dark, had bath, stories, and bed. It was such a great day! Today is even better because it is warmer. We went to story time this morning at the library and then had a picnic lunch and played outside. Lance is currently napping and after nap we are going to head to the playground and then after dinner go for a walk (provided it isn't raining like it is suppose to). I am so excited about spring and the warm weather. Lance is so content and happy when we are outside, it is nice because I don't have to constantly entertain him like I sometimes do when we are inside. I learned all of our outside time is good for him and his development. My mom learned this morning that boys need to spend as much time as possible outside (and as little time in front of the tv and computer), it is good for their development and learning. The lecture she heard was about how schools aren't providing what boys need- outside time and lots of it and gave strategies on how to help boys get the movement and outside time they need to reduce acting out and help them learn better. She says that she is going to give me the notes she took so I can learn better ways to teach Lance now and in the future.
So the daytime is great, but the nights are what I am dreading. I have had horrible dreams lately, I shouldn't say horrible, more like stressful dreams. March 31st is ultrasound day, and I would like baby #2 to be a girl, but after some of the dreams I have been having I realized I REALLY want a girl. I keep having dreams that we find out that we are having a boy and I am really upset and even when I am awake I am still a little sad (the exact thing happened with lance, except the reverse, i dreamed he was going to be a girl and i was upset). I know that I will love my child to pieces regardless of its gender, but I realize through these dreams that my hopes for a girl are stronger then I think I realize, so much so that I am kind of stressed about ultrasound day and thinking about going back to my original plan of not finding out until the baby's birth. It also doesn't help when everyone I know says they think I am having a girl, I know they don't mean harm, but it gets my hopes up. Though I did have dreams that upset me that Lance was a girl, it wasn't nearly as bad as what I have now and I think it is because I knew that I was going to have at least one other child and so if it wasn't a boy we would have another opportunity whereas this time there might not be another. Jeff is very set on #2 being the last one for us and though at times I am on board with that notion when I think about tea parties and dress-up (non superhero dress-up) and barbies and all of the other things girlie things it gets me bummed out. And when I think about the relationship my mom and I have and thinking about how I might not have that with a daughter of my own it gets me sad, yes I can be close to boys, but it isn't the same, school dances, and prom, and a wedding isn't the same with sons(yes it is cheaper, but not the same). On the total materialistic point of view- girl clothes are SO MUCH CUTER than boy clothes and a whole lot easier to find!!!!! I am tired to only looking at the boys side of the Boden catalog because the girl side just makes my heart sink, but thank goodness they separate it unlike some catalogs where you have to sift through all those cute girl things to find one or two average looking boy pieces.
By day, Lance and I have been loving the warm temperatures and sunshine and at night I am awaken stressed and a little sad.
Rereading this I realize how horrible I sound. If baby #2 is a boy I will honestly be bummed out at first, but I do know that it isn't the end of the world. I will be able to have a baby to put my favorite outfits on again, (if even just for an afternoon since it might be the wrong season) and having a boy is easier, I can do boys (John, Thomas, and Lance) and Lance would probably prefer a boy to play with and Jeff would love another boy and when the boys are older they can share a room and have bunkbeds. And just because Jeff says no more babies, I might be able to convince him otherwise in a few years once he has forgotten how much he hates pregnancy (you would think he was the one carrying the baby sometimes).
The silly thing is, that even once I find out the gender the stress dreams probably won't end, they will morph into labor dreams or something going wrong with Lance or the baby.

broke it down

I hate Walmart, but we really needed groceries and we are really short on money for the next few days so I broke down and went there. Walmart makes me gag, literally. Just when I think that things in the whole gagging/dry heaving/feeling ill part of pregnancy may be over I go to Walmart and discover I am still not over it. I am at 16 weeks, aren't I suppose to be loving food and life, not gagging in the produce section or while trying to put my groceries on the conveyor belt. I don't know why, it sounds really weird, but bagged salad makes me gag and really grosses me out. Salads in general can make me ill, but I can eat a plain green salad which doesn't make to much sense. Okay, must stop typing about salad, I feel the gag reflex going off in the back of my throat. It is so weird!
Even though one of the worst aspects of pregnancy hasn't fully left, the best part has started- MOVEMENT! Every now and then I feel a little thump and it just excites me, I want more, and I laugh because I know in a couple of months I will wish for less movement if this baby will be anything like Lance, but until then I will enjoy every little thump.
Yesterday I made the mistake of requesting Jeff to do five tasks. I made a list for him and explained that it would be nice if he could get them done by the end of the week. Obviously he was insulted by my list and requested that I: clean the kitchen (we had small group Sunday so it was a mess), the dining room, the living room, vacuum the house (difficult because lance hates the vacuum and screams and wants to be held while I vacuum), and put the outside toys on the porch. I was a put out by his requests since they were very labor intensive compared to the tasks I asked of him which were: transfer money to our account, order fridge door handle, order faucet part, install handle, and install faucet. 3 of the 5 of tasks I requested of him didn't involve labor, just his computer and/or telephone. Also, I gave him a week to complete eveything, he gave me a day. Funny thing is, he only completed 2 of the 5 yesterday and the faucet part won't arrive until March 10th so it will be awhile before that task is finished. I made him a list because I am tired of all of the home improvement tasks that have been put off and put off (the fridge door handle has been broken for about 3 years). As time has gone on the list of what needs to be done around here keeps getting longer and longer, so I have decided that I am going to try and nicely give him a week to do 1 or 2 things to make our home nicer and fixed. I get frustrated because there is lots of stuff that needs to be done and I can't do it and instead of getting frustrated I am trying to tackle them one at a time, or should I say have him tackle them one at a time. I hope that this will help with the resentment I sometimes feel because he has limited free time (like all of us) and he chooses to play and do things for himself instead of tasks that would help me or fix our home, not all, but a lot of my free time goes into cleaning and making the house nice. Also so if we ever get to sell our house there won't be so much work to be done beforehand especially with two little ones running around soon.

6 more weeks

until we find out whether we are having a girl baby or a boy baby. Today I had my second doctor visit and we heard the heartbeat- 160, not as fast as lance's 165, but it sure sounded like a fast train. I have gained 4lbs and everything is fine so I don't go back for six weeks. Six weeks sounds so long between visits. So far I feel like I never go to the doctor, but I guess that is good, everything is okay. I know it is just an old wives tale, but I was hoping for a heartbeat that was different then lance's in hopes that it would mean a girl, but I think I could handle a boy, after crying for a few days. I so want to have a girl, the clothes are so darn cute, I could get a new crib sheets in PINK, I could order some cute summer dresses from Boden for her, we could have tea parties, have a kitchen set, and the list could go on, but the number #1 reason jeff would give- so we wouldn't have to do this again (he wants no more babies). I love Lance to death and would never wish him to be a girl, but I would LOVE to have a girl, and if this one was a girl, I wouldn't have to pressure Jeff for #3. We joke about how the sex of this baby will determine how many children we are going to have. I love babies and children, though I don't like the first trimester, and I don't what it is like to have more than 1, I wouldn't mind having 3, well at least some days. There was something else I wanted to write about today, but it has totally disappeared from the brain, oh well, maybe later.

a good day with a bad ending

Yesterday was such a great day.
It was warm, we were able to play outside all day, we went for two walks, we were able to see friends, we had a yummy dinner with my mom.
It was a wonderful day, but it ended badly.
I felt not quite right last night around 10:30 (bloated but nothing new there because I tend to do that if I eat a little more than usual) and unfortunately I was puking by 11:30.
I was afraid it was a stomach bug or the salmon we had at dinner, but an hour after my ordeal I was starving and I never had any other symptoms associated with either or more episodes in teh bathroom. The whole ordeal was miserable because I really didn't have anything in my stomach to get rid of which made things rough and I really didn't feel better afterwards.
So here I am 2 days before 14 weeks and this whole morning/evening/all day sickness is getting worse and not better! I never actually got sick with Lance, I felt like it, but never did. This baby better be a girl because I don't think I can deal with this again and take care of two kids. As I keep saying, this pregnancy has been a lot harder than mine with Lance, by this time with him I was loving food and life (and I am normally not much of a food lover). I am terrified I am going to be one of those women out there who are ill their entire pregnancy.
Fortunately I felt not too bad this morning, despite being really tired because I couldn't fall asleep and Lance heard me up and about and ended up sleeping with us which makes for a rough night sleep. Lance and I were able to go for a walk with a friend before the cold rain started. Our warm weather days are coming to an end for a while and it makes me sad, I love warm sunny days and I am looking forward to spring!

there should be a rule

No one should get any gray hairs until at least age 35.
Last night when washing my hands I noticed in the mirror a very shiny, wild hair strand.
Upon closer examination I noticed it was gray. I tried to pull it out, but I couldn't, I even enlisted Jeff's help, but no such luck. I shouldn't have gray hair, I am not even 30 yet, and this must be a new one because I just had my hair colored a little over a month ago. The sad thing is, it was quite thick and makes me wish all of my hair was that thick, I hate my limp fine hair sometimes.
While I am on the subject of hair, I thought your hair stopped falling out when you were pregnant (let me rephrase, you didn't lose as much while you are pregnant). Now I know you lose some, but I sure haven't noticed a reduction in hair loss yet, I seem to have lots of the negatives of pregnancy, but none of the positives yet: my hair is still falling out as usual, those that were deflated from nursing have not been inflated yet, my skin is not glowing (if anything extremely itchy), and I have no cute maternity clothes to show off my bump (but hopefully Tuesday we will purchase a few items from Gap, the only clothes that I have found that fit). While thinking about pregnancy, the gagging and dry heaving is getting worse and not better, I only have a week left of the first trimester and things are getting worse and not better, I want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy and not moan and groan the whole time.
Enough whining, there is finally a tv show that isn't a repeat on tonight! Yeah! Lost after almost a year will be back on, finally something other than reality or Nintendo ( i think i am almost over it), now if I can just stay awake to watch it.

it still hasn't sunk in yet

This morning I finally had my first OB appointment and ultrasound, about time. I am exactly 12 weeks pregnant today according to the ultrasound and everything looked good, as good as what little you could see, we did see the little heart beating away, a little leg, and of course the head and body.
It is amazing how much two weeks makes in size, lance at the first appointment was only 2.2 cm and looked liked a blob, this baby is 5.3cm and looks like, well, two blobs with a growth (its leg). It still hasn't really sunk in yet even as I sit here staring at the pictures hanging up.

So my due date is August 11th, the ultrasound calculated it to be August 9th, but they aren't changing it since it is close enough. Jeff came with me this morning, it was nice for him to take off, he seemed more excited then me about all this.

A belly shot at 12 weeks, not a good picture, but if I didn't do it now I never would.

Right now I am a little scared about having to go through with birth and late pregnancy again as well as a little sad because we aren't planning on anymore so this is my last pregnancy, sad for lance that he won't be the only child anymore, and anxious for spring to come so we can enjoy warm weather and hopefully some cute maternity clothes.

On a total random note:
This is lance crying, more like screaming and hiding:
Why is he hiding out on what use to be a plant stand? What is he so afraid of that makes him run and hide?
the vacuum!
When is he going to get over this? It has gotten worse. He won't walk by the vacuum anymore by himself and he screams when I turn it on, sometimes even when I am holding him, it is driving me crazy! I can't vacuum when he is asleep and it is an ordeal when he is awake and to make matter worse his new favorite pastime is throw food on the floor and step on it!