the waiting game

All I can do is wait and it is driving me crazy.  I don't like the unknown.  I am a descendant of a family of worriers though I'm trying to fight it, it seems to be in my DNA and in I can't help it.
I hating waiting and I hate the unknown. I also hate waiting on the unknown.
When I quit teaching seven years ago, I swore I was never going back to teaching, I am possibly about to eat my words.  I quit not knowing the economy was going to go downhill in 2008, that our business was going to burn down in 2009 during a lapse of insurance, that health insurance would be more than our mortgage and bills combined, and that we would not be able to live off of the store's income.  I had faith back then that everything would work out and we would prosper.  We haven't prospered, we have survived, barely.  I am so thankful that my mom has been there for us, to pull us up out of the water when we were drowning.  Treading water is not way to live, it is very stressful and having your income dependent on the whims of Internet-loving-customers is darn right scary (but that is a post for another day).  The bottoms line, I am tired of being poor, of getting behind on bills, on not having savings, on being one crisis away from losing it all.  I am so thankful that we haven't had any major health or home crisis, but we are playing roulette and in one instant we could lose it all, and that is a very scary place to be.  So Lily is finishing up her last year of preschool and I am looking for a full time job with benefits because I am tired of being in this place.
These last two years I have been teaching part time at the community college, it is what I have always wanted to do and I love it.  I love the freedom and the diversity and well everything about it.  In the fall I was disappointed because I knew that when Lily started Kindergarten I wanted to find a full time job and since they had just hired a new instructor they weren't going to be hiring when I wanted a job.  Right before Thanksgiving an instructor quit and this gave me an opportunity to teach 3 classes (4 is full time) and an opening this fall.  I applied for the full time position the day the job was posted (March 5th) and have been waiting to hear something since the job closing date (March 25th).  I haven't heard a thing and it is KILLING ME!  It really wasn't bad before this week because I was busy with classes and I really didn't expect for anyone to make a decision until after classes were over with, but now that classes are over with, every day is agony.  The last two days have been rainy and cold and I haven't had anything to do, but worry about getting a job, it has been awful.  I don't think I have ever wanted a job so much.  I am in such agony over the situation because I feel that this is my only chance, if they don't hire me now they never will.  I don't feel good enough for the job, but I want it so badly, I really love teaching biology and teaching it without all the BS that comes with public school.  Speaking of public school, I am applying to teach at the high school as well though there aren't currently any openings.  I don't want to, but I want a job with benefits and honestly I feel like that is all I am good enough for.  So today I am going to focus on getting things together to teach high school again, updating my teaching license, finishing the application essays, and focusing on the positives.  
I hate not knowing what the future holds and what I should do with my life and waiting.  I keep trying to pump myself up for disappointment so maybe it won't hurt so much. 
The reason I hate waiting is because there is nothing I can do, I don't have control over the situation.  I need to let go, bend so I won't break, it shows I still have a lot to learn.

you know you are officially an adult when. . .

you ask for a thermostat for Christmas and are so excited when you actually get it.
Yes a thermostat.  I am not officially a hippie geek.
Before December 25th, we had a programmable thermostat that was never really worked.  We should earn an A for effort, but the programming was hard to set up and once the batteries quit so did we.  For the last several years we just would turn it up or down when necessary, so basically our house stayed the same temperature, not good for energy efficiency.
Now we have a Nest and we are very aware of our energy usage, the temperature in the house, the humidity in the house, and how to be the most efficient. 
I LOVE IT!  I honestly never thought I could get excited over a thermostat, but I am.
Our nest tracks our energy usage and we try and earn leaves:

 As you can see we didn't do so good Tuesday, but it was REALLY cold.  We did earn a leaf Sunday since we were out-of-town.  The leaf indicates energy efficiency and hopefully will teach us to lower the thermostat more to save energy and money.  It is too early to tell yet whether we have actually saved any money, but we are much more aware of the heat and when it is on and only using it when we are home and awake which hopefully will pay off in the end.  Even the kids have gotten in the game, they are curious if the temperature will earn us a leaf or not.  I love that it is more than just a programmable thermostat, it learns our patterns and adjusts accordingly, after a week of turning the thermostat up to 70 at 7am, it now has the house at 70 degrees at 7am, it is so nice not waking up to freezing cold temperatures.
So last year's experiment was homemade laundry detergent, this year, energy efficiency in heating and cooling.   Yes, I am yet one more step closer to becoming a hippie or maybe an just an energy nazi.

homemade laundry detergent revisisted

So one year ago and 17 days ago I made my first batch of homemade laundry detergent. 
I wanted to try it after seeing it on Pinterest and wanting an alternative to the expensive detergents at the store and to find something that would stop ruining my clothing.  All of my shirts were getting holes in them and after a google search I suspected that it was an anti-pilling agent in the detergent that was causing the holes in my clothes so I decided to try homemade, it was safer and maybe less holey.
A year later. . .
I am still making it and using it and LOVE IT!
I went from having at least 8 shirts with holes with no holes, or I should say no new holes.
It is so easy to make and so much cheaper.  I also don't like a lot of smells so this is perfect for me.
I even made a liquid detergent to use when I wash cold because a few times I had problems with the powder not dissolving.
It also gets out stains better than I expected.  It was and still is hard to get use to the fact that you only need 1 Tablespoon of detergent.  I know that most people use way more detergent than they need, but 1 Tablespoon seems like nothing.
So I am officially a convert!
I have also quit using dryer sheets because of the waste and thankfully Method came out with a fabric softener for when I want a little sent and softness though I don't need it.  I also use a lightly balled up piece of aluminum foil to prevent static.
So I have made the switch and haven't looked back since.
I am turning into a hippie one day at a time.

so little time

I have had so many posts sitting in my head, but never the time to stop and type them out.
Life is very busy, I keep thinking it will slow down and instead it speeds up.
I went from one class last year, to two classes this fall, and now I am teaching three classes, one class less than full time.  I had my night class routine down, and now I have day and night classes with everyday different, it is a little maddening trying to keep up.
So on days I don't have day classes I have to do laundry, go to the grocery, hang out with Lil', and work on school work.  I have also been looking for a full time teaching job since Lily will be going to Kindergarten in the fall and having a job with benefits would be amazing. 
The future is all up in the air, my babies are growing up, life which is thought was at warp speed is now moving even faster and I haven't had the chance to stop and pause, hopefully I can be more intentional, probably not, but it is worth a try.

Oops

So I didn't have time to blog yesterday so I didn't make it 30 days. It has been like pulling teeth trying to find time and something to write about. I have a lot to say, but just figuring it all out has been tough. I don't want to offend too much, I don't want to complain too much. Maybe it is the to give it all up.

projects

It's that time of year again, and I have been busy completing projects for Christmas gifts on Snapfish.  I have already made a Florida and Topsail album so now I am working on calendars for the grandparents.   As I am choosing pictures for the calendar I am also deleting and editing the photos from the past year.  I have a tendency to just upload pictures but not edit or delete.  Tonight while going through May pictures I stumbled upon this neat one that Lily took:

I knew she had my camera but I had no idea she actually took one when I was taking this one:

She's a creative one and a lot of fun.

Cats

A neighbor had 2 cats then being the irresponsible pet owner that he is, he let his 2 female un-spayed cats roam. As a result a tomcat provided 1 cat with 2 litters of 3 and then 4 kittens, and the other a litter of 3. So 2 cars turned into 12. At first the kittens stayed inside, but now that they are older irresponsible pet owner lets them roam and our yard is there litter box. So the question now is, round them up and take them to the humane society or file a complaint with the district court for nuisance feline. It is so sad how we can't play on our swinger without first checking for poop. Yesterday I collected six piles of it around our yard and all but one had not been there two days ago. I tried cat spray to repellent, but it doesn't seem to do anything unless sprayed daily and it stinks. So what can you so when over half a dozen cats have designated your landscaping as their litter box and how is it that this individual can be irresponsible and take away my right to enjoy a yard free of cat feces? I should note that he never seems to be home and probably not even properly caring for the 8 or so cars he owns (another neighbor has been feeding them). So here I am suffering the consequences of someone who is too irresponsible to spay or neuter their animal.

Disappointed

Not in the election results, but bad attitudes and negative comments from individuals who supposedly love God and love people. So much talk about wrath and judgement, and disrespect for our president. I may not always agree with our leaders and they may not always be right, but they deserve respect and it is sad how people don't respect leaders, authority, or one another anymore. We need to love more, in the last 24 hours, the Jesus and God so many believers have been talking about is small and hateful and judgmental and not someone I would want to follow. The hymn title " they will know we are Christians by our love" does not describe many Christians during and after this election. It just saddens me how much ugliness there is in our hearts.

things taken for granted

I get irritated at my children sometimes, who doesn't?  I get annoyed when they won't get dressed, or put on their shoes, or whatever task they say they can't do, but we all know they just don't want to.  Today the kids and I went to lunch and at a table at the restaurant was a child in a wheelchair who mother had to feed her, and wipe her mouth, and basically do all the things that I take for granted.  I realized that I so easily forget how blessed or how lucky I am.  I have two children who do have struggles, Lance especially with his speech and learning disability in school, but their struggles are so miniscule in comparison to the struggles that some parents face.  I feel like a spoiled brat after getting irritated at Lily for not getting her seat belt on in the car.  I need to remember the little girl in the wheelchair to keep me humble and thankful, because I have so much more than I could ever deserve and I need to always remember that.

As soon as its paid for

We paid off our Forrester last fall. We took it in to the dealer shorter thereafter and spent $600 on maintenance. Now a year later we have taken to a repair shop for an oil leak and looking at $750 worth of work for a new timing belt and gaskets to fix the leak and prevent more problems. You never get a break, you are either paying a car payment or maintenance. Which is worse?