Thursday, March 27, 2008

can't sleep

I feel miserable and can't sleep. I have some serious sinus issues and the claritin I took this morning doesn't seem to be working. I could tell this morning that I would have some allergy issues today so I took a claritin this morning and was doing pretty good until I took Lance for a walk this afternoon. Halfway through my eyes started watering, my nose started to run, I could feel the lovely post nasal drip, I felt gross. I convinced Lance to go in after the walk and watch Oprah (it was about hoarding and it was fascinating), I felt better so I gave in and went back out to play until daddy came home (it was hard being in for an hour when every 5 minutes he would walk to the door and try to go outside, but I really need to give my nose a break). We stayed out until dark and my eyes and nose bothered me the whole time (we even ate dinner outside). Then I had Jeff vacuum for me while I picked up the playroom. I lost a foot part to a dresser in Lance's room so I had to search through the vacuum bag that we replaced, I didn't find the lost part I thought I had sucked up by mistake and I am sure digging in all that dust didn't help the allergies much. I went to bed not to bad and woke up a little after 3 am miserable. The right side of my face is all stuffed up and my throat is just nasty. I can't sleep and I am frustrated that I can't take a decongestant for two reasons, they make my heart race and I am pretty sure they aren't safe while pregnant or at least the ones that are make my heart race. I hope things will get better in the morning, we have plans to go out of town to go shopping today, just Jeff and I. I am really nervous because I have never left Lance for longer than a couple of hours and today we will be gone for 10-12 hours. I know that this will be good for both of us and I can't believe that we haven't been apart for more than 6 hours since he was born (and that 6 hour absence occurred when he was 3 months old!). I also hope that my mom can handle him for 12 hours, he loves her to death and with the weather going to be beautiful it should be an easy day for her, all she has to do is sit outside with him and make sure he doesn't go out in the street, I made sure to put a comfy chair for her outside so she can relax and read while Lance plays. I am going to miss my little man, but I know this is a good thing because in 5 months when I am in the hospital with #2 I will be forced to be away for a few days and he needs to be able to handle that, the thought of that makes me sad, but that is a whole other can of worms.
So I can't sleep and when I can't sleep I think, and I came to a few realizations tonight:
1- Going out to eat or eating prepared food is a lot more expensive then groceries and I shouldn't convince myself otherwise. Sometimes I try and rationalize going out to eat and that if we share a meal it can cost the same as preparing it at home and then I realized how wrong I was. The tax for prepared food in the city: 11% and tax (non-prepared food): 2.5%! Hopefully the next time I don't feel like cooking I will remember this realization.
2- I am halfway done with my pregnancy! Despite being frustrated because I have nothing to wear things are better. I am not as sensitive to smells, appearances, grocery stores, mucus, etc. Thank goodness because this week has been rough (lance's first real vomiting experience, one stinky diaper because of his congestion, dealing with lots of mucus thanks to his allergy/cold issue, and my own congestion issues that before would cause gagging).
3- That Lance is 23 months old now which means he is almost 2!!!!! ahhhh, I can't believe I almost have a 2 year old and boy has he been living up to my almost 2 year old expectations with opinions and tantrums. It also makes me a little nervous because he is almost 2 and he still doesn't say much, maybe 3 phrases. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to worry until he was 2, but as we get closer and closer to his birthday my concern keeps growing and growing. I get the feeling he could talk, but he just doesn't want to, he seems to be exerting his autonomy by refusing to speak because he knows how desperately I want him to talk, I could be wrong, but it is just that look he gives me some days when I try and get him to say stuff makes me think he knows he just doesn't want to show me.
4- It seems like us making it another month at the shop is impossible, it doesn't seem like we aren't going to make it another week, yet I am strangely optimistic, maybe my brain has checked out at the door, but there is still so much fight left in Jeff and I just feel that if this isn't what he is suppose to be doing then he would still have the passion and ideas for it. It makes no rational sense, but that still small voice says keep going and until something else comes along we are moving along, barely, but we are moving.
5- It's 4:30 and I wish I could sleep because we have a busy day today. I hate being so sleep sensitive due to being pregnant, now is the time when I should sleep like the dead since there won't be much sleep happening in 5 months. Sometimes I wonder, why did I want to be pregnant, why did I think this was a good thing, and then #2 gives me a swift kick in the stomach and I remember what a gift children are and I need to enjoy every poke because in 7 months I will miss it.

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