the waiting game

All I can do is wait and it is driving me crazy.  I don't like the unknown.  I am a descendant of a family of worriers though I'm trying to fight it, it seems to be in my DNA and in I can't help it.
I hating waiting and I hate the unknown. I also hate waiting on the unknown.
When I quit teaching seven years ago, I swore I was never going back to teaching, I am possibly about to eat my words.  I quit not knowing the economy was going to go downhill in 2008, that our business was going to burn down in 2009 during a lapse of insurance, that health insurance would be more than our mortgage and bills combined, and that we would not be able to live off of the store's income.  I had faith back then that everything would work out and we would prosper.  We haven't prospered, we have survived, barely.  I am so thankful that my mom has been there for us, to pull us up out of the water when we were drowning.  Treading water is not way to live, it is very stressful and having your income dependent on the whims of Internet-loving-customers is darn right scary (but that is a post for another day).  The bottoms line, I am tired of being poor, of getting behind on bills, on not having savings, on being one crisis away from losing it all.  I am so thankful that we haven't had any major health or home crisis, but we are playing roulette and in one instant we could lose it all, and that is a very scary place to be.  So Lily is finishing up her last year of preschool and I am looking for a full time job with benefits because I am tired of being in this place.
These last two years I have been teaching part time at the community college, it is what I have always wanted to do and I love it.  I love the freedom and the diversity and well everything about it.  In the fall I was disappointed because I knew that when Lily started Kindergarten I wanted to find a full time job and since they had just hired a new instructor they weren't going to be hiring when I wanted a job.  Right before Thanksgiving an instructor quit and this gave me an opportunity to teach 3 classes (4 is full time) and an opening this fall.  I applied for the full time position the day the job was posted (March 5th) and have been waiting to hear something since the job closing date (March 25th).  I haven't heard a thing and it is KILLING ME!  It really wasn't bad before this week because I was busy with classes and I really didn't expect for anyone to make a decision until after classes were over with, but now that classes are over with, every day is agony.  The last two days have been rainy and cold and I haven't had anything to do, but worry about getting a job, it has been awful.  I don't think I have ever wanted a job so much.  I am in such agony over the situation because I feel that this is my only chance, if they don't hire me now they never will.  I don't feel good enough for the job, but I want it so badly, I really love teaching biology and teaching it without all the BS that comes with public school.  Speaking of public school, I am applying to teach at the high school as well though there aren't currently any openings.  I don't want to, but I want a job with benefits and honestly I feel like that is all I am good enough for.  So today I am going to focus on getting things together to teach high school again, updating my teaching license, finishing the application essays, and focusing on the positives.  
I hate not knowing what the future holds and what I should do with my life and waiting.  I keep trying to pump myself up for disappointment so maybe it won't hurt so much. 
The reason I hate waiting is because there is nothing I can do, I don't have control over the situation.  I need to let go, bend so I won't break, it shows I still have a lot to learn.

it's official

I have a masters degree!  I passed my comprehensive exam in November and the semester was over in the middle of December, but they don't grant degrees until January.  So it is finally official, I have a masters of science education and I can keep working at the community college!

Disney

For over a year now I have been wanting to go to Disney World and go to sooner rather than later.  This fall I decided that we were going to try and go in June after everyone was out of school.  I guess it was around Thanksgiving when I was thinking about and planning for the spring semester I realized that my spring break at the community college would be the ideal time to go to Disney World, it would not be too hot, it would not be the busiest, and it would be sooner rather than later.  I convinced my mom to consider it and then asked my sister and her husband if they would like to go, my sister, thankfully really wanted to go.  My sister and her husband found out after Christmas that they could take off to go, so I am in the middle of planning a trip to Disney World for the first week of March.  It is kind of stressful because I don't have a lot of time, most people plan a trip 6 months to a year or more before they go, me two months, if even that.  It is also hard because we have so many people going, seven, maybe 8 depending if my mom's best friend joins us.  It would be cheaper to get separate rooms, but I think it would be nicer to get a Villa where we all could stay.  The other advantages to having a villa are the washer/dryer, and kitchen, I am prefer to make my own food instead of eating out all the time so the kitchen would be wonderful.  So I have to convince my mom the more expensive Villa is worth it, my one point is, we would all be together in one place and not as separated as we would in 3 different hotel rooms and who knows if we will ever be able to coordinate everyone going again so we should splurge, it has been several years since we have all vacationed together so who knows if we will ever do it again. 
Finding a place to stay isn't the only thing I have to figure out, I have to plan our schedule, which fortunately I think I have figured out:
Friday night: drive as far south as we can
Saturday: get to FL
Sunday: Sea World
Monday: Magic Kingdom
Tuesday: day off, hopefully meet up with friends and family who live in FL and we never get to see
Wednesday: Animal Kingdom
Thursday: Magic Kingdom
Friday: head to home
Saturday: get home
Our schedule is not as intensive as many people going to Disney would be, but Lily is only 3 and we want to have fun and not overwhelm her, Disney and Lily seem like it is a bad combination, but I hope she will prove us wrong.
So I have the schedule down, I know where I would like to stay, but I have to do some convincing, then there is the meal plan or not meal plan, the park hopper or not park hopper tickets, character breakfast or not, finding a place to stay near Sea World, and driving route planned, and before I know it, hopefully packing up.  Despite being overwhelmed with all of the decisions, I am super excited and can't wait to go.

good-bye 2011

2011 was a pretty good year, first one in a LONG time.  After some rough years I am hoping that we are on the way up and that 2012 will be even better.
2011, the year that. . .
- I finished graduate school!
- I got a job, a class at the community college.
- Lance "graduated" from preschool and started elementary school and is growing and learning so much.
- Lily was potty trained, no more diapers (pull ups at night) and moved from a crib to a bed, the baby phase is gone!  I thought I would be sad about this, but I am really enjoying being done with the baby years.
- Jeff moved his business to a new location and got more into recycle bicycles and sales have been better, not as good as they have been, but better.
- I became an apple fan, the year of apple gadgets, I got a macbook pro, then we all got an ipad 2, and then this fall I got an iphone 4s, we are enjoying all our technology, but with it, we are trying to learn to unplug sometimes too.
-  my grandmother did pass away this year, five days after her 99th birthday, which is sad, but knowing she isn't afraid anymore is comforting.
- we paid off our car, our Subaru is ours!  and I made the last payment of my undergraduate student loans, bad news, I know have to pay off graduate school.
- we got a shed this year and 4 new windows, hopefully the new windows will keep our heating bills down, it has been so mild we haven't been able to tell if there is a difference from the new windows yet.
Did I mention that I got a job?  Shortly after having Lance and quit teaching I thought that I might enjoy teaching at the community college, so two years ago I started on my masters and here I am with a soon to be rewarded graduate degree and I am teaching a class, amazing!  I am so thankful for the opportunity to teach, earn a little bit of money, and stay at home with the kids.
This year we also got to spend a week at the beach, take a spring break trip to Wilmington, NC, and a weekend trip to D.C. this fall. 
It has been a good year and I am sad that it is coming to an end, though next year is looking pretty good too.
We are hoping to go to Disney in March and the beach in July and hopefully a trip to visit family in Michigan sometime over the summer, and having a summer with no graduate school is a bonus.

Though I always break them, I have been thinking about New Year's resolutions or goals and here they are:

1- From 4-6 pm every day be electronics free
2- Get some form of exercise at least 3 days a week (this is easy in spring/summer, hard in winter)
3- Plant a vegetable garden
4- Get debt free and stay that way
5- Paint the house
6- Find affordable health insurance
7- Fence in the backyard
8- Drive my car less and the most fuel efficient that I can
9- Read the entire Bible
10- Start composting and get a rain barrel (for garden)
11- Get up in the morning before the kids
12- Be thankful and content

So good-bye 2011, you were good, Hello 2012, I have big plans for you!

i passed!

Despite being sick with a sinus infection the week leading up to the my comprehensive exam, which lead to me feeling crummy and getting little sleep I passed my comps!  So it is official, I have earned a masters of science teaching.  I assumed I had passed, I felt confident about two of the four questions on my exam and the other two weren't terrible they just weren't as amazing as the other two.  So now grad school is over with and I can't believe it only took 2 years to complete the classes, I had assumed with two kids and life as crazy as mine it would take 5, but it is done so now I can continue to teach at the community college and not just provisionally.  So I am done, it feel good to not having to study or work on projects, granted I am working on school work and grading papers, but it isn't as tough, then again, it is isn't everyday like most of my grad classes were.  So I am done, ready for the next chapter.

seasons

we had a playdate at a friend's house yesterday and they have the play set of all play set and so the kids of course wanted to go outside and play so we did and it was so strange.
It is August and it was hot like August, but there was no humidity so it felt like fall, and it was nice and it got me excited for fall (the strange part).
I hate winter, so I say I love summer, but really I think I love all seasons except winter though Christmas is fun.
Yesterday was apple orchard weather, it was dry, but warm and felt like summer time and got me kind of excited about Fall. I guess now that our beach trip is over with I am ready to move on so it will be summer again and have a beach trip to look forward to. I started thinking about all the nice things Fall has, trips to the apple orchards, hiking in the mountains when the leaves are all different colors, going to the pumpkin patch and carving pumpkins, and going to corn mazes and other fall festivals, sounds like fun.
Then I burst the bubble by thinking about having to wear long sleeves and long pants, I love summer dresses.
Cold weather and losing daylight, I love the warm, summer evenings, when it stays light past 8 instead of 5 or 6 like in the winter.
So like everything in life, there is good with the bad and nothing seems to be fully one or the other.
It is suppose to be cool for these next few days so when it gets hot and humid again next week (assuming it will be), I will enjoy both and appreciate the last remaining days of summer before the cool weather and dark nights chase the fireflies away until next summer.

1.5 weeks left

before Lance goes to Kindergarten!
I am excited for him and sad and everything all rolled up into one.
Lance is going to public school which is ironic because 5 years ago I would have never considered it, but now it is our best option.
I had wanted to homeschool, because I wanted to protect Lance from the children that would be bad influences on him and might hurt him and for him to learn efficiently because the material can be covered in a lot less time, but Lance and I just don't work well together. Doing speech homework or working on workbooks is a struggle and a fight, it is pulling teeth and one of us gets mad at the other and it is just not effective. Then there is his speech delay and possible learning disabilities that are a struggle. No one has been able to figure out how he learns and what problems he may have and is he is just learns differently and he needs different teaching strategies that I just do not have. And then he is just so darn social, it would kill him to not go to school because he just loves people, this summer has been rough for him in the weeks that he didn't have summer camp or many playdates, I can't blame him, he gets it from me. So I have realized over the past two years that homeschooling is not an option for Lance, or myself. Yes there are co-ops that meet once a week for extra lessons, but once a week is not enough for Lance, he really is ready for all day school, though I am not ready for him to be.
I considered for awhile private school, but looking at the prices, over $500 a month, that is too much money to be spending on education when we are barely making it, have to pay for college one day, and do not have any savings, yes we could borrow money, but I don't want more debt. Then there is some consideration that a small percentage of the children that are in private school (usually the upper grades) are the very kids I am afraid of in the public school. The kids that get the boot from public school or so out of control that their parents send them to private school to hopefully get them away from the bad influences or reform them. I know of countless people who have sent their kids to a private, Christian school in town after their child was expelled from public school or gotten in trouble or is out of control in hopes of reforming them. And also with private school, the special ed services for students is non-existent or can't compare to public school so why pay tuition for a school that might not even be able to even help Lance because of lack of special education services?
So after ruling out homeschooling and private school, public was the only option left. Fortunately we live in the school zone for a very nice, small elementary school that is in competition for students of a very nice private school. I am not looking forward to the upper crust snobbery of the school, but I am thankful for it being small with great teachers and students (I went there and I turned out fine).
So how to school your children is another one of those choices of motherhood that are often judged just like vaccines, breastfeeding, and natural childbirth, and I am going against the flow that many I know are. Some may think I am throwing Lance in the lion den, but it would be far worse if I tried to homeschool him because he probably would not learn anything and hate me, so I am making the best decision for all of us, but it is hard knowing that some people would judge me for it. I ran into a woman a few weeks ago, she homeschools, but she admitted to me she wasn't very good at it and her middle child is extremely social and craves social groups and I thought, are you really helping your children? Are you really protecting them or giving them the best when you admit you don't think you are doing a good job and one of your children is lacking what she needs? Is private or public school really that evil or is it just the pressure of everyone else? Which reminds me, why do people pressure other people when their choices are unlike their own? Homeschooling is HUGE around here and it seems like EVERYONE does it, but does that really make it the best?

tomorrow, tomorrow

i'll love you tomorrow
tomorrow is the last day of my physiology class.
tomorrow is the last day of graduate school (until comprehensive exams in november).

I will be DONE!

I can't believe this journey that I started 2 years ago is complete, I thought it would take me at least 3 or 4 years.

I have met some interesting people, some good, some bad. I have learned a lot.

I am so relieved that the stress of school will be behind me tomorrow.

I am sad school is over, I love learning, I love class when we are discussing something I don't know, I love the social interaction.

I worked on this degree so I could teach at the community college, but I think I would like to teach at a college or university.

My dream of getting my doctorate has kind of resurfaced though I don't know how or where.

Since January I have had my sights set on July 29th, and I can't believe it is here.

The big question is what now.
For the last seven weeks I have been kind of in social isolation, even family isolation working on school work and studying so though I look forward to being social and not having to study, I have kind of forgotten what that is like, not having SOMETHING that has to be done. Then again if I think about, there is a lot of stuff that needs to be done.

So today I am going to hopefully enjoy my last class lecture and learn all I can learn. I am going to hopefully getting an A on my last quiz. I am going to study for my last exam for a class which ironically is probably going to be the hardest one of all my classes.
and tomorrow I am going to celebrate, I did it. I managed to complete the coursework for a graduate degree with two small children. I balanced it all and I only got one B+, well hopefully only 1.

kindergarten

I never would have thought I would lose sleep and worry over Kindergarten.
The decision really in the grand scheme of things is small, but it seems to be of Goliath proportion and everyone has an opinion and like so many things when it comes to motherhood, there is no right answer.
To send Lance to Kindergarten or not to, that is the question of the year!
I have been flipping and flopping over what to do for months and with preschool applications this week it has been driving me crazy.
After teaching public school for four years I swore I would never send my kid to public school, I thought I would homeschool, but then I realized that Lance and I don't do well together when it comes to academics, we butt heads, and he won't try, perform, or whatever for me.
He also is a very SOCIAL kid and would hate being home schooled, he needs more socialization. Yes, home schoolers get socialization, but Lance wants DAILY socialization and that is only going to happen in a day long school setting. So despite my desire to shelter and teach my children, I can see that it is not best for Lance, especially since he possibly has a learning disability and I do not have the skills to help him.
So then there is the wait a year or send him.
The preschool teacher recommended waiting and sending him to the 5 day half-day 5 year old class, but would 2 hours and 45 minutes of preschool really be beneficial for him? He doesn't need to mature socially or emotionally, he needs to mature academically which I would think would happen in a Kindergarten classroom. I do fear that he could get overwhelmed in Kindergarten, but even if we wait a year he could get overwhelmed if a learning disability is hindering his learning.
Here's the other thing, if he was in the public preschool there would be no decision, he would automatically be sent to Kindergarten, they don't offer a Pre-K program for 5 year olds. Also, if Lance did not go to preschool at all then I would probably just enroll him in school and not even think twice, basically ignorance is bliss.
Then there is the me to consider. If Lance goes to Kindergarten and Lily preschool, that would allow me to have more time to work on my part-time job from home or work a few mornings out of the house which would help us our financially which would be wonderful for our family. I hate stressing about money, but it is has been the number one stress in our life for the last couple of years and I am honestly tired of treading water, I want to have money in savings and be debt-free and that is only going to happen with me working.
Also, I want desperately for Lance to be normal. He just started really talking this past summer and there may be other problems lurking beside a speech delay and I just want him to be normal. Fortunately, going into Kindergarten he has an IEP, a speech therapist and a special ed teacher so he will receive help hopefully before he is in over his head. Then all this worry makes me feel like I am making Lance out to be incapable of learning, and that isn't true.
I just want what is best for Lance, but also for all of us, and unfortunately there is no right answer. Several people have told me how they waited a year to send there kids to Kindergarten and it was the best decision, but how do they really know? You can't have one child go through both scenarios.
I need to stop questioning everything and just stick with my decision to send Lance to Kindergarten. I am just afraid that I am being selfish or stubborn and oblivious to the writing on the wall.
So the Kindergarten decision, I wish it wasn't so difficult and I wish I could stop questioning myself, it is just so hard when it is 8 months down the road yet you have to figure out what you are doing NOW!
I knew motherhood was going to be tough, I just didn't know how tough the little things can seem to be.

a fresh start

Life has been running at warp speed and there has no time for anything, especially blogging.  I finished up the fall semester of grad school, nine hours, 3 classes, all A's!  I worked some at a deli a couple of weekends this fall and worked from home aligning state standards to standardized tests, one thing I hated about teaching, but it pays bills and took up a lot of time.  I shuttled the kids between school, play dates, and everywhere in between.  2010 is done and hopefully the chaos is done with it.
I want to find more balance this year.  I love that every year we can start fresh, start over on day 1 and set goals and work towards being the person we were created to be.
I hate January, I hate winter, unless it is snowing, but I love the new beginning January 1st brings.
The slate is wiped clean and I can set goals and work towards them.
2011 will hopefully be a good year.
No more diapers for Lily- we've been working all week on this one, potty training Lance was WAY easier, but there is no turning back now!
I will finish grad school this summer and hopefully will start teaching part time and earn more income.
I will drink more water and get up early for some alone time every day.
I will tithe and save more.
I will be credit card debt free.
I will read the whole Bible again.
and who knows what else will strike my fancy today.
So my New Year's toast- is "to new beginnings!"

the ups and downs and life changes of a decade

A New Year always makes me look back at the previous year and see how life has changed, to figure out whether it is better or worse then the following
A New DECADE, makes me realize how much life has changed.

I remember New Year's Eve 10 years ago with Y2K, we waited in anticipation to see if the computer world really was going to crash and the world as we know it ending- it didn't, a tiny bit disappointing, though a similar change was going to happen a year and half later.

2000

it was an exciting year of changes
I graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology
I worked as a counselor at K-West (Kanakuk Kamps), one of the best places on Earth
I got married, the wedding was extremely special, my grandfather, Pop, walked me down the aisle which had been my dream since I was little, Jeff's best man Rob, was able to be there before him and his family left for China where they have been missionaries for the last 10 years, my dad's parents were able to attend and August 5th was the only day it didn't rain that summer!

2001

was good and bad
we opened Scene 3 Boardshop, our business in 2001 which was quite exciting

(our small group at the grand opening)

we celebrated my grandfather's 90th birthday, which was the last time my mom's side of the family was all together for a happy occasion

(the older woman on the left is my Great Aunt Clara, isn't she cute? my grandmother, Gram is center, and Pop is in the front to the right, he always had a smile)

in the spring, Jeff and I planned to go visit my dad's parents on a trip to Florida, unfortunately, my grandmother passed away a few weeks before our trip
then there was September 11th, I remember watching that second plane crash into the tower live on tv and how they didn't know what was happening, it was quite a scary day, the world as we knew it ended that day
2001 wasn't a bad year, but it ended badly, Pop who was visiting for Christmas fell and broke his hip, this was the beginning of the end

2002
I don't remember much, only that after a month in the hospital and a second surgery, Pop passed away
I was devastated, my dad died when I was eight and Pop was my father figure, he loved life, loved people, was generous, loving, and just a wonderful person
Losing him was extremely difficult, I was blessed with a month of seeing him everyday after his first hip surgery and before his second, but the loss still hurts
after Pop died, my Great Aunt Clara came and spent a month or two with Gram, helping her adjust to life alone,  Clara then passed away six months after Pop, my family seemed to be shrinking before my eyes
In the fall of 2002, I left my nanny job and started teaching high school biology, which was stressful, but I made some wonderful friends
Christy, Erica, Angela and I were the 4 Muskateers, who did almost everything together and had a blast, I am so thankful for their friendship and the good times we had

2003
still had the business, still taught, don't remember much, which isn't a bad thing, i think

2004
we bought our first house!  a little cape cod in a nice neighborhood that I still love 90% of the time

2005
got pregnant with Lance
began my 4th and final year of teaching high school biology
we also moved the store to a new location and saw the business grow
I coached the high school swim team with a friend, but unfortunately due to drama of one student resigned at the beginning of the season, which was probably a good thing since I was preggo

2006
Lance!  he changed our lives completely, it was a rough delivery and adjustment for me, but I can't imagine life without him

we also switched churches in the fall, it was a hard decision to make, but we know we made the best decision and love our one community

2007
life was getting a little tougher financially and it wasn't a good year for us in marriage happiness, but we survived
my sister got married and I got to be her matron of honor, it was fun to be in someone's wedding
I also got pregnant with Lily in the late fall

2008
one of the toughest years financially and for our marriage, but once again we survived
Lily arrived on the scene and though she is quite a handful and very opinionated, I love having a girl

Lance was diagnosed with a speech delay and despite weekly therapy did not make much progress, it was hard having two non-verbal children in the house
When Lily was 5 weeks old, I started a part-time assistant coaching position for a small college's swim team, it was stressful, but also a lot of fun and helped make those first couple of months fly by, despite the stress, I really enjoyed doing something outside of the home
Charles, my stepdad, kind of, moved to a nursing home due to his IBM disease decreasing his muscles in his arms and legs, this move has put a lot of stress on my mother and has been hard to see someone I care about fading away
also, Gram is healthy, but mentally she is gone and doesn't know who I am, it is hard to lose those you love

2009
the toughest year ever

I finished up the coaching position and unfortunately due to drama, things did not end as well as I would have liked, I did spend my last pay check on a DYSON vacuum, that months and months later I still LOVE, I also bought some FLOR, it was nice to blow my last paycheck on something fun and not bills
financially it has been extremely difficult, we had a hard time treading water and then the FIRE that destroyed the business put us on the bottom of the ocean

we re-opened in a new location, but people aren't spending money and times are extremely tough
on a positive, Lance started preschool and loves it, his vocabulary has increased tremendously  and I am so thankful for his teacher and the positive experience school has been so far
I also was accepted to graduate school and took my first class, I hope to get my masters and teach at the community college one day
2009 has been another tough year for our marriage, Jeff's coping mechanism is to hide or pretend there aren't problems and with lots of problems this year things have been rocky
Overall I am ready for 2009 to be over with

So this decade has had its ups and downs, I have changed dramatically as a person and I look forward to the future because I figure we can only go up from here

new beginnings

The new shop location has an occupancy permit and is ready to go, well almost, but we have enough to get started. Last night we went by and hung up the skateboard decks to see what they looked like on the new rack Jeff built.

Jeff wants the new shop to have a artsy feel to it and the way the decks are arranged, I think he pulled it off. The decks look more like art then skateboard decks that will be destroyed after purchase.


Lance even has a favorite and would be very sad if we sell it too soon.


Lance trying to help with his favorite deck:

So tomorrow the new shop will be open, we still have a long ways to go, but we have a space, have some product and have a start. I am excited to get everything completed and get back to normal.

get smart

After four years teaching high school biology I was burned out.
Though having the summers and snow/ice days off was nice, it was really hard and I really don't want to go back.
I can't handle the parents, but I love biology and teaching.
I need flexibility with having small children because I don't want to go back to work full time and be gone all day.
I don't really want to work at all, but it would help to bring in some income and we are talking a job a few years down the road, not in the next year.
I have wanted to teach at the community college level for some time now and with Lily getting older and no plans right now for more children I decided to pursue my goal of getting my graduate degree (though my actual goal from high school was a doctorate, a masters is a step in that direction).
This afternoon I called up the community college to ask them what type of masters degree or requirements I would need to teach Biology at the community college. Then I called a small college in town and requested information on their graduate program, one that hopefully might have the required 18 credit hours in Biology I would need for community college.
They are having an information session next Tuesday and I am signed up to go.
I am excited about possibly pursuing a job with flexibility and using my degree again.
I am nervous about trying to handle graduate level biology classes, my degree is in Biology, but I also graduated 9 years ago, I am a little rusty and so much has changed, thanks Human Genome Project.
I am also a bit nervous about trying to complete the work with two small children running around, Biology is a lot of facts, lab time, and studying in the lab and not necessarily at home.
I am excited though about learning again, about using my brain, because lately it has been a bit fried. I might actually have something to talk about at dinner or with friends other than how many dirty diapers I changed that day.
I have a long way to go, I look forward to the journey.

my thinking chair

isn't really a chair at all, my best thoughts take place in the shower.
strange, but i think really well in the shower, probably because it is one of the few places that I usually can be all by myself, well most of the time.
This morning's thoughts- my mom's wish for me.
When I was pregnant with Lance my mom was disappointed that I was having a boy (though I was overjoyed about a boy). She had hoped that I would have a girl. She also wanted a me for me, a daughter like me for me, does that make sense? Anyways, my mom and I were talking about an upcoming wedding this fall, on her birthday in fact, her 60th birthday which got me thinking about her wish of a daughter for me. I then realized that though Lily is my second child and I'm the firstborn, Lily is my me, she might just be my mom's wish for me. With my mom turning 60 this year, I realized that she had me when I was 29. I keep thinking I was 30 when Lily was born, but she actually arrived days before my 30th birthday, so I too was 29 when I had my girl, just like my mom. So my mom's wish for me to have a me, might just be with Lily, my sweet pea!

the quest for the perfect rug

Ever since we have moved into our house we have been on the quest for the perfect floor covering for our living room. This quest has taken almost five years and I hopefully have found the perfect floor covering solution, thanks to my large end of season swimming paycheck! FLOR! I discovered FLOR almost eight years ago when I was a nanny because the family received the FLOR catalog. One day while bored I flipped through and thought it was cool, but didn't give it much thought until I had my own house and kids. We bought our home and and had kids and discovered how one cup of coffee, one bit of chocolate anything, and dirt can leave a stain that always seems to be blaring at you, basically ruining a whole carpet. I wanted something that would be like carpet without wall-to-wall carpeting, small enough to be washable, thick and soft enough to sit and play on, durable, something that won't show dirt and stains, and something that would match my funky green living room walls and FLOR seems to meet my requirements.

RUG #1

Rug number 1 was striped, from Crate and Barrel, was used to pick out a paint color for our living room (herb cornucopia, a funky shade of green that changes color with the time of day), and had a bit too much white in it. At the time Jeff was welding as a part-time job and he tracked black stuff onto my rug and after two odd years the rug was unsightly. It also wouldn't lay flat, wasn't thick and carpet like, and use to be nice looking, but not very practical, especially with babes so it was replaced.

Rug #2

While recovering from Lance's delivery I found another rug from Crate and Barrel that was one sale (dirt cheap, 60 bucks and it was a 5x7), was a smaller size than rug before (other one was too big though this one was smaller than I would have liked), it was thicker than rug 1, it appeared to be softer, and was the right color scheme for our living room. Rug number 2 has made it almost 3 years but it needs to be replaced (longer than rug 1), it is looking rough, it is stained, it is coming unwoven, it just isn't soft enough for play and it doesn't vacuum well, the unwoven parts get sucked up and it never seems to be clean.

Jeff would love carpet, but I want something funky so we have a compromise, modular carpet, a.k.a. FLOR. Besides, my new vacuum needs something new to vacuum right? Well if I was going to be spending money on a new floor covering and I have such a funky wall color I need to make sure that the floor and walls would coordinate because it is very easy to find something that clashes so I ordered some FLOR samples and they arrived today!


Oh, I am so excited! I love the brown, and the green, and the blue, they are all so yummy. I can't wait for Jeff to get home and help me decide what color scheme we are going to do. I wish I could have ordered more sample colors, there was a cool fuchsia pink, a funky orange, a cool turquoise, but then I don't do well with too many options and I may have never decided on a rug so I limited my samples and the samples cost money. I can't wait! I am not as excited as I was over the vacuum, but excited that I may finally have something that will work and can be used for years even if we move and is changeable because I love to rearrange.
Because I love lists:
Why FLOR?
-it is carpet
-you can customize your colors
-they are squares so you can constantly rearrange
-when they get dirty you can pick up the dirty squares and clean or replace without having to replace the whole thing
-you can add to or take away from the rug
-because it is just so darn cool!

bitter-sweet

Bitter-Sweet
this describes a situation we are in right now though bitter might be to strong a word, i am not bitter more like disappointed, but there is also a sweet side too. i am not suppose to say and know anything, but i don't think anyone who isn't suppose to know will read and find out so i am safe, i hope. okay, too much rambling. first off, there is a Christian organization (church and other entities) that owns the property where my church and three other organizations meet and use for church, classes, etc. We have been blessed with not having to pay any rent for the space, which is good because there isn't modern heating and cooling, it is a horrible location, and several other reasons that I can't think of right now. This Christian organization owns a lot of property and a business is interested in the spot that we currently occupy (and probably additional space too). This business offered a good price for the spot (fair market value), the groups (my church included) offered a price to stay, well the money was better from the business and we are getting the boot. Why I am disappointed, for this Christian organization, money is more important than supporting other Christians. It frustrates me because our church supports their students, we also are trying to make the surrounding neighborhoods better by loving them, helping out where we can, doing service projects for neighbors, etc. We want to make the area a better place and not just occupy space in the area. We also can bring traffic to nearby business which need traffic because there are always people coming and going every day of the week because one of the four groups is meeting in the space every day. So I am disappointed that money is more important then loving people, but there is a very sweet side to the story and I may be glad that this Christian organization cares more about money in the long run. Because of getting the boot, a new home needs to be found and a location has been found, but there are spaces that need to be filled to pay the rent for this spot. One space is perfect for Jeff's shop. With money being non-existent, we can't really afford to stay in the high rent space that we are in and want to move to somewhere cheaper, but most cheaper places are not in great locations and not looked promising. This space is the same size as what we have now plus it has some warehouse space where Jeff could put ramps and have events, his own mini-skatepark! I haven't seen the space yet, I will this morning, but it already sounds perfect. Because the space isn't finished he will be able to kind of custom fit it with the builder so it will be just the way he wants it without a lot of work on his part. Did I mention he would get more space for half the price? Also, it would be in the same building as a coffee shop, a dance studio, and our church. It is also centrally located, easy to get to off of the expressway, and easier to find. Though I haven't seen it, it sounds like it has everything both of us wants! I am excited to see the space and hope it works out, so it is sweet and in a way I am glad that the Christian organization loved money more, it may help us out a lot, we will see. So there you have it, my bitter-sweet tale, that in the long run will hopefully be all sweet, but I am still disappointed when money is more important than making a difference.

2009 here we come

So today is the first day of the new year, a fresh start.
I am always a little sad to let go of the previous year, I guess because every year is farther away from memories and people. 2008 was the year of Lily and though I don't know what the future holds, she may be my last baby and that is kind of sad. Also, it will be 7 years this February when we lost my grandfather, Pop, and every year is more distance away from him, I miss him so much and wish he was hear to celebrate all of life's moments, he loved to celebrate. Also, every year we are getting older and time just seems to fly by so quickly.
Okay, my new year's resolutions:
1- make it more of a priority to spend some time alone, a quiet time every day, it may mean getting up earlier
2- save more money, starting a retirement account and having emergency money in a savings account
3- get out of debt, we made progress in 2007, but we still have a ways to go
4- be less busy and be more intentional about spending special time with lance and lily individually
5- give more away, time, things, money, whatever, but give more
6- learn to let go, if the house isn't perfect it is okay, life is about relationships and I need to let go
on that note, I am off to play with lance

update:
as I am trying to organize the playroom/guest room/office/extra bedroom I realized another resolution:
7- I will update Lance and Lily's baby books, get photos into albums, make photo books and get organized, I am so way behind

ready for a change

The talk of New Year's resolutions has begun.
This past year was good, we had a great summer and Lily arrived, but the year financially for us was horrible.
Looking back at last year's resolutions, I didn't really accomplish what I had hoped.
I am drinking more water now, but that is because I am breastfeeding, I hope that I will continue to drink more water this year, it does a body so good.
Walking, well last spring and summer I was good about getting out, but after Lily and then starting the coaching job I didn't really get out and go walking as much as I would have liked, I hope that this spring I will be able to again.
Saving for retirement, unfortunately that didn't happen at all this year, but we will try again this year.
Get rid of debt, closer, we finished paying off one loan, we are close on several others, but we added a bit more- medical debt from having Lily, but we are closer to being debt free then we were at this time last year.
Save more, didn't really happen because we were so low on money that we used savings to pay bills.
Looking at last year's post I had hoped that 2008 would be a better year for us financially, turns out it wasn't, but we survived. I have learned a lot and I have cut back more. Hopefully it is just up from here.
I am ready for a change. I am tired to getting frustrated about the same old things. I am tired of not being content and wanting life to be so much more. I am ready for a change and I am going to set some realistic goals for 2009 and resolutions. 2009 is going to be the year for us!

growing up too fast

I feel like I am always lamenting on how fast my babies are growing up, but they are! Today was a sad day, we packed up the bassinet and have moved Lily to her crib. It is just one of many steps away from newborn to independent child that make me a little sad. Jeff and I both commented on how we were putting away the bassinet and may not ever get it back out again since Lily may be our last. With Lance I was excited for him to grow up, but Lily I want to keep her little forever, especially since she is such an easy baby, I hate to lose this stage. I also feel bad because I don't think I always have time to enjoy her because there is housework, Lance, my job, Jeff, family, friends. I know that I take her for granted and don't give her tons of attention, but I am so thankful for her and hope that I will be able to make more of a point to spend time with her and enjoy every moment before she is grown and its too late. Though she is in a crib and not right beside the bed, she isn't too far. Her bedroom is downstairs, in the coldest room of the house and I don't feel comfortable with her being so far away and in a cold room so we have moved her crib upstairs. We had a hard time trying to figure out where to put her crib, whether in Lance's room or ours and ours seemed to make the most sense because we didn't want the kiddos to disturb each other's sleep. So Lily has graduated to her crib, but fortunately she is too little to be on her own so she is in our room, which makes things not that hard. If moving her to her crib from the bassinet is this hard, I can't imagine how difficult it will be to move her from the crib to the bed, fortunately that is a ways off.
Also on a sad note, we undecorated the Christmas tree. I usually take down the tree and decorations on New Year's but unfortunately our tree stopped drinking water about a week and half ago and was very dry, losing tons of needles, and it was a FIRE hazard, and since we don't want to lose our house so the tree came down, sad, but we also could use the space the tree was taking up because we have a small living room and need every inch of room we can get. So despite the saddest I am excited to get the house back to normal because I have had the hardest time trying to keep things organized and clean. I have almost finished our room, one room down, 9 more to go.

looking forward to the week ahead

I can't say that I have been looking forward any particular week in a long time (I guess since we went to the beach), but I can honestly say I am looking forward to this week.
Why?
Several reasons:
1- we aren't traveling so we will actually be able to stay at home and relax, haven't done that in ages (I was a wee stressed about the packing, traveling in the car with Ms. Screamer, trying to figure out where lance would sleep, and generally just being away from home with two kids)
2-because we were planning on going out-of-town and it a holiday we have no commitments this week!!!
3-Jeff has a whole day off and we have nothing going on (well thanksgiving dinner)
4- no swim practice wednesday-friday nights, so I will actually be home in the evenings
5- small group is breakfast monday morning and my friend Meredith will be joining us and with Lance hanging out with the other kids it will be a lot of fun
6- next week is the week it is officially appropriate to decorate for Christmas and listen to Christmas music
7-i think it is suppose to be a tad bit warmer so Lance can get some outside time in
8- this coming week is the official start to the Christmas shopping season and I hope business will pick up at the shop so we can get ahead
9- did i mention no swim practice, i am so burned out I badly need the break
10-my stress level will be greatly decreased due to a quiet week where I will hopefully get caught up on housework, i work best in the morning so if I don't get started early it doesn't get done
so i am happy it is turkey day and it will be low key