So today I broke it down and finally did a big grocery store trip to Walmart. I hate going so I have been putting it off for a week now and today I finally just went. As I was getting food for this week's menu and food that worked with my fast, all I could see was what I couldn't eat. I have been so focused these last three days on all the things I can't eat, that I am totally overlooking the things I can eat. A few of the women in the group are only eating 7 things all week, only 7 things and they are only using salt, pepper, and olive oil to make their food tasty. It hit me in the dairy section, why am I whining about my 7 missing things, when I have hundreds of other options?
Tonight for dinner we are having turkey burgers, olive oil french fries, baked beans, and macaroni and cheese. I am lamenting on my lack of bun and fries but I can still eat the beans, macaroni, and the burger itself. Why is the lack of bun my main focus and not on the fact that I can eat a whole and filling meal, where some of my others friends are eating beans and rice or bland chicken for the third night.
Focusing on what I don't have and not what I do is something that I am totally guilty of every single day. I am not a glass full person when it comes to myself and my life, for you I totally am, but not for me. I realized today that I look at the negatives in my life and do not always celebrate the positives and I don't know how to change that. I don't know how I got so focused on the negatives and what I don't have especially in comparison to others. Comparison kills, I know that, yet I am stuck in a cycle and can't seem to break the habit.
I want to be a glass half full kind of person and truly grateful, I am in some areas, but not in a lot of others. The negatives or the things I lack seem so loud and blaring and the positives so quiet and minuscule. I need to change, I just don't know how to start.
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Saturday, March 22, 2014
7 Fast- Day 2- overwhelmed
I made it through day 2. Yesterday was a crazy day and thanks to some planning the night before and Jeff being awesome by making me bacon and eggs for breakfast the day flew by and I wasn't the total whiner I was Thursday. I had bacon and eggs for breakfast, I missed my muffin or toast and glass of OJ, but it was a good start to the day. By 11 though I was starving, didn't quite see that coming because I thought the all protein breakfast would keep me satisfied a bit longer. So after lab I had my "lunchable" that I had bought at the grocery the night before. An apple, raw almonds, a slice of cheddar cheese, and carrots. I felt quite healthy and full of myself enjoying my very healthy lunch. By 2:30, I was starving AGAIN so I had a bag of pretzels. Two hours later I was starving again and had peanut butter crackers and due to a consignment sale I didn't get dinner, homemade chicken nuggets, strawberries and a tiny bit of vanilla yogurt until close to 8pm.
So Day 2 wasn't the total disaster that Day 1 was. There were lots of temptations to cheat, but I stuck with the fast and glad to make it through another day. I really don't like to think so much about food and what I should or should not eat. I also realized when I was eating my lunch that I could easily become prideful on the "healthy" and "whole" foods that I was consuming and potentially look down at others who don't make "good choices." I firmly believe everything in moderation and give me any food and I can tell you how it is bad for you, we live in an imperfect world, everything can kill you and I try not to get obsessed.
Day 2 conclusions:
I still believe that I am a spoiled brat when it comes to food and I am really appreciate of all the options that we have. Think about it, the options are ridiculous, even crackers, say butter crackers: you have the name branded Ritz, you have the store brand, then there are the whole grain, the no salt, the reduced fat, the roasted vegetable, the garlic butter, the honey butter, there's even bacon flavored.
Is bacon flavored for real?
We have over 10 different options of Ritz crackers! Crackers people! I don't even want to think about how many crackers become stale and get thrown out especially when 7.1 billion people are undernourished and would love our stale crackers. I feel drawn to make a difference, but I am not sure what that looks like and how little me can make a difference. I don't necessarily want to move to a third world country and eat rice and beans for the rest of my life. I also want to make a difference in this country where 1 in 6 people go hungry and who knows how many additional people are getting by but not always making the best food options because a lot of times an apple cost more than a bag of chips. The food situation in the world and in our country is overwhelming and I feel silly lamenting this morning that due to the 7 fast I am not having pancakes.
So Day 2 wasn't the total disaster that Day 1 was. There were lots of temptations to cheat, but I stuck with the fast and glad to make it through another day. I really don't like to think so much about food and what I should or should not eat. I also realized when I was eating my lunch that I could easily become prideful on the "healthy" and "whole" foods that I was consuming and potentially look down at others who don't make "good choices." I firmly believe everything in moderation and give me any food and I can tell you how it is bad for you, we live in an imperfect world, everything can kill you and I try not to get obsessed.
Day 2 conclusions:
I still believe that I am a spoiled brat when it comes to food and I am really appreciate of all the options that we have. Think about it, the options are ridiculous, even crackers, say butter crackers: you have the name branded Ritz, you have the store brand, then there are the whole grain, the no salt, the reduced fat, the roasted vegetable, the garlic butter, the honey butter, there's even bacon flavored.
Is bacon flavored for real?
We have over 10 different options of Ritz crackers! Crackers people! I don't even want to think about how many crackers become stale and get thrown out especially when 7.1 billion people are undernourished and would love our stale crackers. I feel drawn to make a difference, but I am not sure what that looks like and how little me can make a difference. I don't necessarily want to move to a third world country and eat rice and beans for the rest of my life. I also want to make a difference in this country where 1 in 6 people go hungry and who knows how many additional people are getting by but not always making the best food options because a lot of times an apple cost more than a bag of chips. The food situation in the world and in our country is overwhelming and I feel silly lamenting this morning that due to the 7 fast I am not having pancakes.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
7 Food Fast- Day 1- I am a spoiled brat
So during this season of Lent I am doing a Bible/book study on Jen Hatmaker's book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. I read the book last spring, absolutely loved it, tried a few fasts, possessions and spending (no Target for a month!) and jumped at the opportunity to really experience the lessons in the book with others. What was I thinking?????
So the first week was introduction. This week is food. The ideal would be only eating 7 items for a week, but I have young kids, a limited budget and little time and would not be able to make 2 separate dinners each night, so I decided to eliminate 7 items from my diet for a week. I chose 7 items that I love/ eat regularly and even though I am only 2 meals and 1 snack in, I am hating this.
The 7 items I have eliminated:
- eating out, no restaurant food (not too hard usually)
- chocolate (there goes my chocolate/almond morning granola bar)
- dessert (oh how I crave something sweet)
- bread (my favorite, I love bread, the challenging one)
- sweet breakfast/bakery items (muffins and pancakes)
- french fries (do tater tots count?)
- anything to drink other than water (i.e. the occasional soda that I can crave when I cut out chocolate)
So I am 2 meals down, 19 more meals to go. I am already grumpy and craving all the things that are on my list. I am regretting my meal planning because the meals I planned before I knew I was going to fast includes all my favorites. Not only am I regretting the food choices, I haven't made a real shopping trip in over a week so our food stash is low and the options are sparse especially when you get rid of the regulars i.e. bread. No rolls, no bread for sandwiches, no bun for hot dogs or turkey burgers, no fun.
So here I am whining and complaining and missing certain foods. Wow! What a small little world I live in. I am cutting out these foods for 1 week. 1 week! That is 1.92% of a year. Say if I live to be 80 years old (4,160 weeks), my fasting from my favorites would only be 0.02% of my life, that isn't even half a point! What a spoiled brat I am.
There are some people who never get to eat fresh out-of-the-oven homemade chocolate chip cookies or a loaf of french bread. I have a tendency to compare myself to others, well actually to the haves, not the have- nots, and so my life seems lacking, yet it really isn't. Even with my elimination, I will have plenty of food to eat and next week I can go back to my chocolate and bread, but some people in the world's poorest countries would take my simplest, 7 free foods any week.
I also have to admit that I am amazed at how I went from eating when hungry to obsessed about food overnight. I didn't think I would be. I am not a foodie. I am not constantly thinking about food, when I am hungry, I eat, usually what sounds good and don't really give it much thought. Yes, I am someone who can forget to eat, food is not usually a weakness for me, or so I thought. Maybe food is a bigger deal and I just didn't realize it because I always had what I wanted. I have never been without food. I don't know what it is like to go hungry, yes we have struggled to pay bills, but we have never gone hungry and even with my eliminated food choices, I will not go hungry.
So today I have realized that I am rich, not necessarily by American standards, but compared to most of the world, I got it good.
Just some food for thought.
So the first week was introduction. This week is food. The ideal would be only eating 7 items for a week, but I have young kids, a limited budget and little time and would not be able to make 2 separate dinners each night, so I decided to eliminate 7 items from my diet for a week. I chose 7 items that I love/ eat regularly and even though I am only 2 meals and 1 snack in, I am hating this.
The 7 items I have eliminated:
- eating out, no restaurant food (not too hard usually)
- chocolate (there goes my chocolate/almond morning granola bar)
- dessert (oh how I crave something sweet)
- bread (my favorite, I love bread, the challenging one)
- sweet breakfast/bakery items (muffins and pancakes)
- french fries (do tater tots count?)
- anything to drink other than water (i.e. the occasional soda that I can crave when I cut out chocolate)
So I am 2 meals down, 19 more meals to go. I am already grumpy and craving all the things that are on my list. I am regretting my meal planning because the meals I planned before I knew I was going to fast includes all my favorites. Not only am I regretting the food choices, I haven't made a real shopping trip in over a week so our food stash is low and the options are sparse especially when you get rid of the regulars i.e. bread. No rolls, no bread for sandwiches, no bun for hot dogs or turkey burgers, no fun.
So here I am whining and complaining and missing certain foods. Wow! What a small little world I live in. I am cutting out these foods for 1 week. 1 week! That is 1.92% of a year. Say if I live to be 80 years old (4,160 weeks), my fasting from my favorites would only be 0.02% of my life, that isn't even half a point! What a spoiled brat I am.
There are some people who never get to eat fresh out-of-the-oven homemade chocolate chip cookies or a loaf of french bread. I have a tendency to compare myself to others, well actually to the haves, not the have- nots, and so my life seems lacking, yet it really isn't. Even with my elimination, I will have plenty of food to eat and next week I can go back to my chocolate and bread, but some people in the world's poorest countries would take my simplest, 7 free foods any week.
I also have to admit that I am amazed at how I went from eating when hungry to obsessed about food overnight. I didn't think I would be. I am not a foodie. I am not constantly thinking about food, when I am hungry, I eat, usually what sounds good and don't really give it much thought. Yes, I am someone who can forget to eat, food is not usually a weakness for me, or so I thought. Maybe food is a bigger deal and I just didn't realize it because I always had what I wanted. I have never been without food. I don't know what it is like to go hungry, yes we have struggled to pay bills, but we have never gone hungry and even with my eliminated food choices, I will not go hungry.
So today I have realized that I am rich, not necessarily by American standards, but compared to most of the world, I got it good.
Just some food for thought.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
you can have it all, it is such a lie
Life is a series of choices, but really trade-offs is more like it.
We can't have it all.
It is a lie to think we can.
You can't have it both ways.
And here I sit at a crossroads, there are two ways, I can't have them both.
I am tired of being where I am in life. Now that Lily is in Kindergarten I am ready to go back to working full time. I have applied for a job and may apply for others, but I don't know if this is what I should be doing. My current part time job is a lot of work for little money and no benefits. I feel like I am working for nothing, oh wait I am. Since both kids are in school full time, working full time makes sense now. I am tired of being "poor." I am tired of living on the edge of financial ruin. We don't have any of margin, I know, it happens when you own a business and at the mercy of everyone else.
I realize that working full time would be giving up stuff, time I spend volunteering at my kids' school and seeing my kids during the school day. They love having me there and I know there will be a time when they won't want to see me, so I am grateful to be there now when it matters. I enjoying having lunch with them and their friends, being story reader, teaching lessons on plants, and being there when crisis hits. I was at the school and stayed with Lily and her class when there was a bomb threat and they were outside in the cold for over 30 minutes and then on a bus for an hour. Even though I complain about it, I love that I can be in charge of costumes for the 2nd grade play, I love creating stuff like that. I love being a part of their school life which couldn't happen if I was teaching full time or working anywhere full time.
So there it is, the choice, the trade-off.
I can work full time and have more financial freedom or I can continue to make sacrifices and be there for my kids at school.
I can't have it both ways.
I can't have it all.
But the truth is, the choices are stuff or relationships?
What really matters more money or being with my kids?
It is hard to not get wrapped up in stuff and remember what is really important.
I have been called to love God and love people. I can do that working full time, but I can also do it with the kids in my children's school and that maybe that is what I should be focused on and doing since I am loving my kids and their peers. And if I am really honest here, loving students that aren't mine that I have to see everyday are a lot easier.
I need to remember that I am not pursuing stuff, but relationships and time and that is what really matters and hopefully in the grand scheme of things, that will matter more than the size of my house or bank account.
It is so easy to get focused on the things that don't matter instead of what really does, people, or in my case, kids. So many people have the Bible verse Matthew 6:19-20 memorized, but how many people really live that out?
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
We are to live our lives loving others, not acquiring stuff, though the world is constantly telling us the opposite. Even the church with the prosperity gospel seems to be preaching that we need more and bigger and better. Life is about love and people and community, not stuff and not money. I have this tension in my life between materialism and relationships/time/serving. I want bigger and better, but I feel called to give more. Someone once said being in the tension is good, they must not have been there.
We can't have it all.
It is a lie to think we can.
You can't have it both ways.
And here I sit at a crossroads, there are two ways, I can't have them both.
I am tired of being where I am in life. Now that Lily is in Kindergarten I am ready to go back to working full time. I have applied for a job and may apply for others, but I don't know if this is what I should be doing. My current part time job is a lot of work for little money and no benefits. I feel like I am working for nothing, oh wait I am. Since both kids are in school full time, working full time makes sense now. I am tired of being "poor." I am tired of living on the edge of financial ruin. We don't have any of margin, I know, it happens when you own a business and at the mercy of everyone else.
I realize that working full time would be giving up stuff, time I spend volunteering at my kids' school and seeing my kids during the school day. They love having me there and I know there will be a time when they won't want to see me, so I am grateful to be there now when it matters. I enjoying having lunch with them and their friends, being story reader, teaching lessons on plants, and being there when crisis hits. I was at the school and stayed with Lily and her class when there was a bomb threat and they were outside in the cold for over 30 minutes and then on a bus for an hour. Even though I complain about it, I love that I can be in charge of costumes for the 2nd grade play, I love creating stuff like that. I love being a part of their school life which couldn't happen if I was teaching full time or working anywhere full time.
So there it is, the choice, the trade-off.
I can work full time and have more financial freedom or I can continue to make sacrifices and be there for my kids at school.
I can't have it both ways.
I can't have it all.
But the truth is, the choices are stuff or relationships?
What really matters more money or being with my kids?
It is hard to not get wrapped up in stuff and remember what is really important.
I have been called to love God and love people. I can do that working full time, but I can also do it with the kids in my children's school and that maybe that is what I should be focused on and doing since I am loving my kids and their peers. And if I am really honest here, loving students that aren't mine that I have to see everyday are a lot easier.
I need to remember that I am not pursuing stuff, but relationships and time and that is what really matters and hopefully in the grand scheme of things, that will matter more than the size of my house or bank account.
It is so easy to get focused on the things that don't matter instead of what really does, people, or in my case, kids. So many people have the Bible verse Matthew 6:19-20 memorized, but how many people really live that out?
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
We are to live our lives loving others, not acquiring stuff, though the world is constantly telling us the opposite. Even the church with the prosperity gospel seems to be preaching that we need more and bigger and better. Life is about love and people and community, not stuff and not money. I have this tension in my life between materialism and relationships/time/serving. I want bigger and better, but I feel called to give more. Someone once said being in the tension is good, they must not have been there.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
stuck in a rut
We have been stuck in a dinner rut and that is not a good place to be. I have found that the last month or two I have been basically preparing the same meals over and over and I am bored with cooking. So I decided to start the new year off with a challenge because I love challenges and I usually can complete them when I set my mind to it. So I have a 30 day dinner challenge. I made a list of meals that I cook regularly, have cooked before, and want to try and then I planned a different meal for the entire month of January. I even took in consideration my sister's birthday which will include a birthday dinner out and Thursday nights which can be hectic because of cub scouts and lab. Now I know life happens and illness can totally wreck havoc on my schedule, but I am going to try my best to stick to my plan. So on Day 2 we are off to a good start. Last night we started our month out with crab cakes, something I hadn't attempted to make in, ummm, at least 8 years. Tonight is another fairly new recipe, Bacon, Cheese, and Potato Chowder that I attempted to make years ago, but I used the wrong the type of potato and never tried it again until now. My goal is to try a new recipes that I have pinned over the last year and bookmarked but never gotten around to adding them to our meal rotation. So 1 day down, 30 more to go. If this works I wonder how long I can keep it going? Some meals are just so darn easy and everyone them.
So today is cold and now it is rainy and I haven't gone outside today, there is still time this evening for a walk in the rain. I have been cleaning off my desk and I went through my file cabinet and cleaned it out and organized it, something I have needed to do for a long time. My desk is no longer a mountain of junk and hopefully I can keep it that way, at least for a few days.
I found some old newspaper clippings and photos while cleaning out and I realized that I have a mountain of paperwork I need to hold onto. The large folder on the bottom of the stack is all of Lance's special education paperwork. They are progress reports (not report cards), child studies, individualized education plans, doctor reports, etc. I can only imagine what his permanent record looks like and he is only in second grade. The amount of paperwork required for special education services is crazy and that is not all, I don't have the copy of my rights that I get every time we set up an IEP.
So today I am thankful I made a dent in the paper build up that is in my corner of the house. I am thankful that I have desk space for my computer. I am thankful for my paper shredder which helps me get rid of paper that I really don't want to hold onto anymore. I am thankful that I didn't have to go out in the cold and rain today, I really hate winter. Now I need to go get my potato chowder cooking and get motivated for a walk in the rain tonight, I am on a roll and don't want to stop.
So today is cold and now it is rainy and I haven't gone outside today, there is still time this evening for a walk in the rain. I have been cleaning off my desk and I went through my file cabinet and cleaned it out and organized it, something I have needed to do for a long time. My desk is no longer a mountain of junk and hopefully I can keep it that way, at least for a few days.
 |
| one of these is not like the other |
So today I am thankful I made a dent in the paper build up that is in my corner of the house. I am thankful that I have desk space for my computer. I am thankful for my paper shredder which helps me get rid of paper that I really don't want to hold onto anymore. I am thankful that I didn't have to go out in the cold and rain today, I really hate winter. Now I need to go get my potato chowder cooking and get motivated for a walk in the rain tonight, I am on a roll and don't want to stop.
Update: the soup was blah. Both kids tried it and neither liked it. I ate a whole bowl hoping that I would like it more but it was just blah. It may not have been good due to the burnt bacon I sprinkled on top, but regardless the sticky note bookmark has been removed from the food and family magazine that contained the recipe.
On a positive note, we did take a walk after dinner so we are on a 4 day streak of getting outside and moving. Due to the rain and temps in the mid-30s it was a short walk, but getting out was worth layering up and braving the cold.
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