Proud mama

Tonight was Evening of the Arts at Lance's school and part of the evening was the Kindergarten play. 

Lance is the pink pig

Lance was a pig and the pigs did a dance and Lance was center stage and did such a great job.  He has come along way, in preschool, during sing-a-longs, he would just stand like a statue and stare. I was a bit worried tonight he would see all the people and freeze, but he danced and he sang and he was great!

The pig dance, Lance is the pig in the middle

  I can't get over how much he has grown this past year and not in size but in confidence and independence as well as academically.    He isn't my little baby anymore, he is growing up too fast. 
This afternoon and this evening I helped get the kids ready, I was in charge of painting noses and applying blush.  It was very cute how excited the kids were to get makeup on, especially the boys, they all wanted pink blush cheeks.  It was so much fun talking to all the different kids and seeing how excited they were to perform for everyone. 
Kindergarten is such a fun and magical year, I am sad the year is almost over with.   I hope 1st grade won't be too much work and will still be fun and that he will love school as much as he does now.  Time is moving too fast and tonight was a great reminder of what is important and how to make sure my priorities are in the right place, especially with Spring Break next week, I have a week of no school, even though I have school I hope I can enjoy the time and not stress over the unimportant things like having a clean and neat house.

St. Patties Day

I have a huge to-do list, why do I set myself up like this, with way too much on my plate and trying to do it all? The maddening thing is, this week is harried but in two months I might have nothing. Despite needing to get my to do list knocked out we spent done tim outside, it is gorgeous out. Despite crying and whining and lots of protesting, Lance went for a bike ride on the trail. He hadn't been on his bike in months so I was worried it would.be like starting over, but it came back quickly and he did better than he ever had. He was a rockstar and I am so proud of him. Lily also was awesome, she actually stayed in the stroller, normally she wants to get out and push. So Lance has mastered going and stopping, now we just have to work on starting, riding to the pool this summer might actually happen, do excited!

we timed it perfectly and saw a train cross the trestle

lance getting the hanging of it again

he got his confidence back and took off

how lily rolled

tomorrow, tomorrow

i'll love you tomorrow
tomorrow is the last day of my physiology class.
tomorrow is the last day of graduate school (until comprehensive exams in november).

I will be DONE!

I can't believe this journey that I started 2 years ago is complete, I thought it would take me at least 3 or 4 years.

I have met some interesting people, some good, some bad. I have learned a lot.

I am so relieved that the stress of school will be behind me tomorrow.

I am sad school is over, I love learning, I love class when we are discussing something I don't know, I love the social interaction.

I worked on this degree so I could teach at the community college, but I think I would like to teach at a college or university.

My dream of getting my doctorate has kind of resurfaced though I don't know how or where.

Since January I have had my sights set on July 29th, and I can't believe it is here.

The big question is what now.
For the last seven weeks I have been kind of in social isolation, even family isolation working on school work and studying so though I look forward to being social and not having to study, I have kind of forgotten what that is like, not having SOMETHING that has to be done. Then again if I think about, there is a lot of stuff that needs to be done.

So today I am going to hopefully enjoy my last class lecture and learn all I can learn. I am going to hopefully getting an A on my last quiz. I am going to study for my last exam for a class which ironically is probably going to be the hardest one of all my classes.
and tomorrow I am going to celebrate, I did it. I managed to complete the coursework for a graduate degree with two small children. I balanced it all and I only got one B+, well hopefully only 1.

kindergarten

I never would have thought I would lose sleep and worry over Kindergarten.
The decision really in the grand scheme of things is small, but it seems to be of Goliath proportion and everyone has an opinion and like so many things when it comes to motherhood, there is no right answer.
To send Lance to Kindergarten or not to, that is the question of the year!
I have been flipping and flopping over what to do for months and with preschool applications this week it has been driving me crazy.
After teaching public school for four years I swore I would never send my kid to public school, I thought I would homeschool, but then I realized that Lance and I don't do well together when it comes to academics, we butt heads, and he won't try, perform, or whatever for me.
He also is a very SOCIAL kid and would hate being home schooled, he needs more socialization. Yes, home schoolers get socialization, but Lance wants DAILY socialization and that is only going to happen in a day long school setting. So despite my desire to shelter and teach my children, I can see that it is not best for Lance, especially since he possibly has a learning disability and I do not have the skills to help him.
So then there is the wait a year or send him.
The preschool teacher recommended waiting and sending him to the 5 day half-day 5 year old class, but would 2 hours and 45 minutes of preschool really be beneficial for him? He doesn't need to mature socially or emotionally, he needs to mature academically which I would think would happen in a Kindergarten classroom. I do fear that he could get overwhelmed in Kindergarten, but even if we wait a year he could get overwhelmed if a learning disability is hindering his learning.
Here's the other thing, if he was in the public preschool there would be no decision, he would automatically be sent to Kindergarten, they don't offer a Pre-K program for 5 year olds. Also, if Lance did not go to preschool at all then I would probably just enroll him in school and not even think twice, basically ignorance is bliss.
Then there is the me to consider. If Lance goes to Kindergarten and Lily preschool, that would allow me to have more time to work on my part-time job from home or work a few mornings out of the house which would help us our financially which would be wonderful for our family. I hate stressing about money, but it is has been the number one stress in our life for the last couple of years and I am honestly tired of treading water, I want to have money in savings and be debt-free and that is only going to happen with me working.
Also, I want desperately for Lance to be normal. He just started really talking this past summer and there may be other problems lurking beside a speech delay and I just want him to be normal. Fortunately, going into Kindergarten he has an IEP, a speech therapist and a special ed teacher so he will receive help hopefully before he is in over his head. Then all this worry makes me feel like I am making Lance out to be incapable of learning, and that isn't true.
I just want what is best for Lance, but also for all of us, and unfortunately there is no right answer. Several people have told me how they waited a year to send there kids to Kindergarten and it was the best decision, but how do they really know? You can't have one child go through both scenarios.
I need to stop questioning everything and just stick with my decision to send Lance to Kindergarten. I am just afraid that I am being selfish or stubborn and oblivious to the writing on the wall.
So the Kindergarten decision, I wish it wasn't so difficult and I wish I could stop questioning myself, it is just so hard when it is 8 months down the road yet you have to figure out what you are doing NOW!
I knew motherhood was going to be tough, I just didn't know how tough the little things can seem to be.

a bittersweet farewell

When a chapter of life ends, when someone dies, when there's a loss;  I expect and want the world to stop with me.  Last Friday, someone important in my life died and yet the world kept going.  Part of me wanted to stop people and say to them, "don't you know, we lost someone special, someone who made a difference, someone who loved me and who I loved, how can you keep going as though this a normal day when it is anything but?"  I wanted for just one second for the world to stop and mourn with me. 

Last week, last Friday, I lost someone who is indescribable, someone who I cared deeply for after many years of trying not to, someone who though not my father was around a lot longer than my own father, someone who taught me so much and who I am afraid never really understood how much I did care and how thankful I was for him. 

I don't exactly know when Charles and my mom became serious,  I think I was in middle school, but for 20 some odd years Charles has been kind of a father figure, but more importantly he has been my mom's companion, her person, her significant figure, her other half, her confidant, her best friend, her fill-in-the-blank. 

Charles and I had a rough start, I hated him, well hate is a strong word, but pretty darn close.  He is not who I would have picked to be my mom's person, my dad's replacement, though he never tried to replace my father, it's just all so complicated.  At the time I resented him, I resented him because my mother would choose him over me, because it wasn't just my mom, sister and I anymore, because everyone knew who he was and it was kind of embarrassing that my mom was dating my former elementary school principal, because he wasn't my father, because I was a teenager and isn't that what you are suppose to do?  It didn't help things that Charles was stubborn, strong-willed, and had a temper just like me and the two of us butted heads more often then not.  But as I got older I realized that he wasn't so bad and I really appreciated him especially his relationship with my mother, though flawed because he has been there for her and cared for her and took some of the pressure that was on me.  He made her happy so I didn't have to.

In the last five years Charles' health has been declining.  Well not really his health, his muscles, his strength and two years ago he sold his house and property and moved himself into a nursing home because he couldn't take care of himself anymore.  A year ago after suffering a stroke his muscle strength weakened even more and the last year has been very difficult since he was been mostly bed ridden.  His Inclusion Body Myositis, the disease affecting his muscles started affecting his ability to swallow and probably cough this summer and he started aspirating and developing pneumonia.  Last week, he was tired of fighting the losing battle and pneumonia took over.  Though we knew the end was near, what we thought would be days took only hours, I guess when you are ready to let go, you do.

His death is so complicated, like everything.  I am thankful he isn't suffering anymore, that he isn't uncomfortable, that he isn't trapped in a bed with a body that doesn't work, but at the same time he's gone.  It is frustrating because with his situation there were no right answers.  He could have fought harder and possibly survived for a little bit longer, but what's the point when the quality of life is so poor?  Death for him is best for him, but not for us who are left, but it is selfish for us to want him to suffer just to have him around.  It is all so difficult.

Even though I resisted for many years, Charles made a large impact in my life and I am thankful.  I hope he knew how appreciative I am and how much I do care and love him.  15 years ago I would never think I would be sitting here crying over the loss of Charles, but I here I am, feeling as though the world is a bit empty because he isn't in it.

Since I love making lists, here's my Charles list- what he brought to my life, what he taught me, what he showed  me, etc:
1-Charles gave me a love for going out to breakfast- he would always take us out to breakfast and we would go to hole-in-the-wall kind of places, like Country Kitchen, Carol's, Clayton's or Waffle House- ones where back in the day the waitresses would be chain smokers and would call you sugar or honey- I still prefer going out to breakfast, but I tend to go to Panera, but I am still up for a good southern hole-in-wall kind of place

2-Charles passed on to me his ability to talk to strangers everywhere and anywhere, funny thing is that use to embarrass me so much and now it is something I do all the time, Charles would talk to everyone everywhere and now I do, I will strike up a conversation with anyone and everyone, it's ironic how the very thing I hated most is now something I do all the time

3-camping and travelling in an RV- camping and travelling was okay, but once Charles got a camper, I loved it- I loved having a bathroom, a kitchen, a table, and most importantly as a teenager a television when we went on trips- it was so much fun travelling in the camper- I have many good memories of camping at the beach and the lake in the camper

4-the opportunity to ride on fast things to fulfill my need for speed- Charles had a 4 wheeler at his house and I loved taking it out into the woods and when we were at the lake he would rent a jet ski for me to play on, it was so much fun and both things are something my mom would never have approved of

5-fishing, specifically surf fishing which always required a bit of skill since you were trying to decide whether the pull was the surf or a fish

6-infomercials-  Charles would buy anything and everything from an infomercial- some of it would be junk, some would be wonderful (the turbie twist hair towels- still love them) but you never know until you get it and Charles passed on his infomercial appreciation to me- I will admit I was overjoyed to receive some ShamWows for Christmas

7-fried chicken from Mitchells and food in general from mom and pop convenient stores- if it wasn't for Charles I would probably never have had food from convenient stores, but I have and survived to tell of it and know it wasn't that bad, especially Mitchell's fried chicken and I don't like fried chicken

and my list could on and will go on
but most importantly he showed me a world outside my bubble/social status/network/whatever you want to call it
Charles was no saint, he wasn't perfect, and probably just as many people disliked him as loved him
but he wasn't above anyone or anything, he was for the most part humble, he cared for people, he made an impact on numerous people, and he expected a lot out of people, he was a teacher.educator through and through
and at times could be described as a grumpy old man, he wasn't a snob, an elitist, he didn't care what other people thought, and I hope one day someone can say the same thing about me, not the grumpy part, but that I loved and cared for all people, that I wasn't a snob, and that there are no such things as strangers, just friends we haven't met yet

So as hard as it is to say good-bye and how time separates us further and further each day, I am thankful for the memories and experiences he gave me and that he is not suffering anymore.




Thank you Charles, thank you for expanding my world further than I would have thought possible, thank you for loving my mother, thank you  for loving me and sticking around despite my best efforts to make you go away, thank you for everything that you have done for us, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you and though I never said it enough, I love you and will miss you always.   -your Sarah B.

endings

this week has been full of endings.
the end of LOST.
but much more importantly, the end of Lance's first year of preschool.
This year has been an incredible year for Lance.
He increased his vocabulary hundredfold.

He developed his social skills.

He learned about shapes, colors, numbers, letters, nursery rhymes and that is just the stuff I could figure out from his limited vocabulary.

He made a best friend.

He became even more independent.

He made all kinds of art, I now have quite a collection.
He just loved school
and I am so happy for him, but a little sad because he is growing up way too fast.
Can he just stay in preschool forever? you know it is fun, he learns things and there aren't the pressures of tests and the class size is small, it is the perfect learning environment.
What is the Noggin saying about "why can't everyday be like preschool?" it is so true.

a weekend of celebration

trains, trains and even more trains

this past weekend we celebrated Lance's 4th birthday and the theme of course was Trains

On Thursday Lance celebrated his birthday at school with a special train shaped treat and the birthday crown

Then Saturday six of his friends came over for a birthday party, the weather was a little less then ideal, cloudy and chilly the kids still had fun playing out in the yard

The kids really liked the look of the train cake, but didn't really eat much of it, not enough icing for most 3/4 year olds

Lance had a great time with all his friends

and all his new toys, especially the nerf dart gun, not my favorite, but he is being so good about not aiming it at other people, I hope he will continue to obey that rule

Sunday evening was a party with the family and he got his big present, he came over to help Gigee get the presents out of the van

and he was shocked to discover there was a PowerWheel inside for him

it took him a second to realize it really was for him, very cute

and his birthday wishes all came true

It was a jam packed weekend, but we were able to stop and enjoy ourselves.  I am a little sad my little baby boy is such a big boy, time flies and I can't believe how much he has grown and changed.  I am so thankful for him and had a great time celebrating 4 years of Lance.

the ups and downs and life changes of a decade

A New Year always makes me look back at the previous year and see how life has changed, to figure out whether it is better or worse then the following
A New DECADE, makes me realize how much life has changed.

I remember New Year's Eve 10 years ago with Y2K, we waited in anticipation to see if the computer world really was going to crash and the world as we know it ending- it didn't, a tiny bit disappointing, though a similar change was going to happen a year and half later.

2000

it was an exciting year of changes
I graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology
I worked as a counselor at K-West (Kanakuk Kamps), one of the best places on Earth
I got married, the wedding was extremely special, my grandfather, Pop, walked me down the aisle which had been my dream since I was little, Jeff's best man Rob, was able to be there before him and his family left for China where they have been missionaries for the last 10 years, my dad's parents were able to attend and August 5th was the only day it didn't rain that summer!

2001

was good and bad
we opened Scene 3 Boardshop, our business in 2001 which was quite exciting

(our small group at the grand opening)

we celebrated my grandfather's 90th birthday, which was the last time my mom's side of the family was all together for a happy occasion

(the older woman on the left is my Great Aunt Clara, isn't she cute? my grandmother, Gram is center, and Pop is in the front to the right, he always had a smile)

in the spring, Jeff and I planned to go visit my dad's parents on a trip to Florida, unfortunately, my grandmother passed away a few weeks before our trip
then there was September 11th, I remember watching that second plane crash into the tower live on tv and how they didn't know what was happening, it was quite a scary day, the world as we knew it ended that day
2001 wasn't a bad year, but it ended badly, Pop who was visiting for Christmas fell and broke his hip, this was the beginning of the end

2002
I don't remember much, only that after a month in the hospital and a second surgery, Pop passed away
I was devastated, my dad died when I was eight and Pop was my father figure, he loved life, loved people, was generous, loving, and just a wonderful person
Losing him was extremely difficult, I was blessed with a month of seeing him everyday after his first hip surgery and before his second, but the loss still hurts
after Pop died, my Great Aunt Clara came and spent a month or two with Gram, helping her adjust to life alone,  Clara then passed away six months after Pop, my family seemed to be shrinking before my eyes
In the fall of 2002, I left my nanny job and started teaching high school biology, which was stressful, but I made some wonderful friends
Christy, Erica, Angela and I were the 4 Muskateers, who did almost everything together and had a blast, I am so thankful for their friendship and the good times we had

2003
still had the business, still taught, don't remember much, which isn't a bad thing, i think

2004
we bought our first house!  a little cape cod in a nice neighborhood that I still love 90% of the time

2005
got pregnant with Lance
began my 4th and final year of teaching high school biology
we also moved the store to a new location and saw the business grow
I coached the high school swim team with a friend, but unfortunately due to drama of one student resigned at the beginning of the season, which was probably a good thing since I was preggo

2006
Lance!  he changed our lives completely, it was a rough delivery and adjustment for me, but I can't imagine life without him

we also switched churches in the fall, it was a hard decision to make, but we know we made the best decision and love our one community

2007
life was getting a little tougher financially and it wasn't a good year for us in marriage happiness, but we survived
my sister got married and I got to be her matron of honor, it was fun to be in someone's wedding
I also got pregnant with Lily in the late fall

2008
one of the toughest years financially and for our marriage, but once again we survived
Lily arrived on the scene and though she is quite a handful and very opinionated, I love having a girl

Lance was diagnosed with a speech delay and despite weekly therapy did not make much progress, it was hard having two non-verbal children in the house
When Lily was 5 weeks old, I started a part-time assistant coaching position for a small college's swim team, it was stressful, but also a lot of fun and helped make those first couple of months fly by, despite the stress, I really enjoyed doing something outside of the home
Charles, my stepdad, kind of, moved to a nursing home due to his IBM disease decreasing his muscles in his arms and legs, this move has put a lot of stress on my mother and has been hard to see someone I care about fading away
also, Gram is healthy, but mentally she is gone and doesn't know who I am, it is hard to lose those you love

2009
the toughest year ever

I finished up the coaching position and unfortunately due to drama, things did not end as well as I would have liked, I did spend my last pay check on a DYSON vacuum, that months and months later I still LOVE, I also bought some FLOR, it was nice to blow my last paycheck on something fun and not bills
financially it has been extremely difficult, we had a hard time treading water and then the FIRE that destroyed the business put us on the bottom of the ocean

we re-opened in a new location, but people aren't spending money and times are extremely tough
on a positive, Lance started preschool and loves it, his vocabulary has increased tremendously  and I am so thankful for his teacher and the positive experience school has been so far
I also was accepted to graduate school and took my first class, I hope to get my masters and teach at the community college one day
2009 has been another tough year for our marriage, Jeff's coping mechanism is to hide or pretend there aren't problems and with lots of problems this year things have been rocky
Overall I am ready for 2009 to be over with

So this decade has had its ups and downs, I have changed dramatically as a person and I look forward to the future because I figure we can only go up from here

it's my birthday and i will cry if i want to

So today is my birthday, I am now 31.
Part of me knows that 31 isn't old, but I feel old, Heck, I just got use to the idea, wait, more like accepted the idea that I was 30 and now I am definitely 30-something. I remember in high school, being 30 seemed old, not like senior citizen old, but established with the 2.5 kids and a nice house and a tight group of friends with kids the same age, someone settled. I am not where I thought I would be at 31, I feel more like a 25 year old, trying to get it together. If I feel like this at 31, I don't want to think about how I am going to feel at 40. It is funny when you are young, you can't wait to be 13, a teenager, 16, able to drive a car, 18, an adult, etc and then the upper twenties come and you don't want to get any older, and at some point you want to start subtracting years and not adding to them. I guess it is just one of those situations where "you always want what you can't have." So I will try and embrace 31 and accept that I am now a 30-something and enjoy my young 30s because before I know it I will be 35, heck 40 and that is really old. just kidding, i think, jeff is 36 and he doesn't seem too old.

Lily's first year

Happy Birthday Lily!

I can't believe a whole year has gone by. My baby has grown and changed so much in the last year. It makes me a little sad to look at the pictures of her as a tiny little newborn, I miss that little baby, she grew up way too fast. I do enjoy her now so much, she dances, walks everywhere, thinks her big brother is the coolest, and loves to cuddle up with her blanket and momma.

Lily's year in pictures:

meeting big brother for the first time- a little more than 12 hours old

2 days old-my sweet baby girl

4 days old

1 weeks old

3 weeks old

September- 1 month old

1 month old

October

November

December

January- our first road trip, she was quite a trooper

February

March

April

May

June

July

August- figured out walking super fast