Happiness

Happiness seems to be a theme for me this year and not just because "Happy" by Pharrell Williams is our favorite song.  Speaking of the song "happy" how can you not be happy when listening to and dancing to that song?

So as I have noted before, part of the stuff that I am working through is my comparison to others and always seeing what I don't have instead of what I do.  I can easily fall victim into the the trap of thinking that if we had a bigger house or if I had a full time job and more money that I would be happier.   Part of me knows that these things will not make me happy, but part of me believes it will because there are so many people who live this way and seem happy.

A couple of nights ago we began watching the documentary "Happy" on Netflix.  I was blown away at the scientific explanation on what makes us happy.  50% of our happiness is determined by our genes, some people are genetically happier than others and we all have a happiness setpoint.  40% of our happiness is something we can control through exercise, meditation, showing compassion, giving to others, and other activities that involve giving and being a part of a community, basically being the opposite of self absorbed.  That only leaves 10% of our happiness from our circumstances such as our job, our house, our health, and other material things.

Only 10%.

10%, I am blown away.  That is such a small component of our happiness, yet how many people, myself included try to live or believe that our circumstances determine 90% of our happiness?
Part of me knows that volunteering, loving others, showing compassion, giving to others, making the world a better place, etc is what truly makes us happy, yet I fall for the lie that it is stuff.  People with the big houses, good jobs, nice cars, all seem happy, but are they really?  According to this, they probably aren't, or they aren't based on their stuff, they are happy because of what they do outside of themselves.  The documentary also used the hedonic treadmill as an example of how material things will never bring increase happiness forever because a new material object will initially bring us happiness but there is always something nicer, newer, bigger, and we will return to our original setpoint of happiness over time.

Material things don't bring us happiness.  Where have I heard that before?  Hmmm, the Bible maybe and probably other religious texts.

Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless.  Ecclesiastes 5:10 

side note:  if the word "vapor" is substituted for "meaningless" which is a better translation, the book of Ecclesiastes has a lot more meaning especially when you consider that vapor is fleeting.

There are many verses that mention how you can't love both material possession/money and God.  It makes sense.  God is love, and loving God is showing love to others and making the world a better place.  The science of happiness even supports the the Christian beliefs of piety and service, serving others is just as satisfying to our nervous system as other pleasures.  I know the truth, now if I can just live this way I probably can be a lot happier.

I love when faith and science support each other instead of contradict.

you win some, you lose some

So we are halfway through January and so far we have been able to stick to our meal plan for the month.  There have been some winners, some losers, and some we need to try again.  Wednesday night I made Colorado Chicken Chili, it was a new recipe I have been wanting to try and so I finally broke it down and made it.  It smelled good, it tasted good, it just didn't look good.  I didn't want to say anything while we were eating because I didn't want to gross anyone out, turns out I wasn't the only one who thought the chili looked like vomit.  The next afternoon, Jeff and I were talking about leftovers and he informed me that he would NOT being eating the chili leftovers and did not want to try again with that recipe.  He told me he almost gagged when cleaning up after dinner because that soup looked so digusting.  I then confessed that I came to that same conclusion while eating dinner, we had a good laugh about it and have crossed that meal off our to try list.  Not only was the soup a loser, but the homemade roll recipe that I tried to make a half portion was a flop too, I learned a half an egg makes a big difference. 
Tonight, was a we need to try it again meal, not a total loser, but not really a winner either.  I tried a crockpot teriyaki pork tenderloin recipe that I found on pinterest, the flavor of the tenderloin was really good, the meat was just overcooked and it was more shredded, chewy, dry pork bbq, then a nice tender, juicy, pork tenderloin.  The pork received thumbs up from the family on flavor, but next time I need to use a different cooking method.  We also tried quinoa tonight, it was a loser, but we aren't giving up on the grain itself.  I overcooked it as well, I started cooking it an hour before it was dinner time.  I had just finished reading a book and glanced at the time on my Kindle.  It said it was 5:50, I panicked and ran to the kitchen and started preparing the quinoa.  Then I realized when I was setting the timer, it was only 4:50, the quinoa was already in hot water so I continued to prepare it, by the time it was actually close to 6, it was cold and I had to reheat it which dried it out.  It wasn't terrible, we are definitely going to try it again, but maybe a recipe with a little less rosemary.  
So I came to some conclusions this week.  I am afraid of failure, even failure when it comes to cooking dinner.  I like to play it safe.  I cooked one dinner that none of us liked and we all survived, no one was upset, it was adventure and we have something to laugh about.  I kind of failed again tonight.  Pizza of one variation or another (take-out, frozen, or homemade) is our usual Friday night meal.  I tried something new and different tonight and though it wasn't as good as pizza would have been, it was not a total disaster.   The food wasn't the best I ever, but it was food, it satisfied our hunger and made for an interesting dinner: we all had to try something new, try the broccoli, try the meat and vote on whether we wanted it again. 
I have really enjoyed trying new recipes this month and making some dinners that I haven't in months.  I really hope I can continue the variety and trying new things in the coming months, I like the variation and not playing it safe with sloppy joes on Tuesday, pizza on Friday, pork chops on Thursday, etc.  Change is good, failure is NOT final and dinner will be better tomorrow.

I'm an addict

Hello, my name is Sarah and I am a book addict.

I love books. this is just part of my stack of books that I have beside my bed.  These are my piles of to-read books.  My stack of read books is quite small and I can't ever seem to grow it, partly because if a book is good I pass it along to another fellow addict or if is really, really good it gets to go in a place on honor on a bookshelf.  Not all of these books are mine, some are borrowed from a friend who is also a book addict.  It is hard not to pass up a cheap book at a yard sale or one with an interesting cover at the used book store.  And yes, I judge books by their covers and have found some great books from their great covers.  And yes, as you an see from my stack I haven't read Harry Potter yet, but I will, eventually.  It is hard to get through my stack because I get in book funks when I can't get into a book or struggle to finish because I hate to NOT finish a book.  I also have to move away from my stack for new books from the library from my favorite authors or the book club book of the month.  I sometimes get on a Kindle kick and only read from my Kindle. I am constantly scanning for good book deals so my Kindle is also filled with books waiting to be read.  It is a good thing that there are very few books you can lend to a friend on the Kindle or I would never get to a book in my piles.  I keep hoping to knock out on of my three piles, but instead the piles keep growing.  I also had this awesome idea within my book club, we are going to have a summer book swap so if I don't get this pile knocked out by Memorial Day it is just going to get even bigger.  So it is out there now, I am a collector of books, I love getting caught up in a story, I particularly love historical fiction. but I can't ever put a mystery/crime down nor a Michael Crichton (love some science books).  So I am thankful for books that have opened my eyes to much of the world and people without ever having to leave my warm bed or sofa.  I need to go read and see if I can get this stack a little smaller.

in mourning

I am in mourning, though I really should not be, it is quite pathetic actually.
This morning I returned my DVR and got rid of cable television.
We still have the basic channels, but no more Bravo, Discovery, Animal Planet, Weather Channel, MSNBC, ABC Family, and TLC. 
So no more Real Housewives, Whale Wars, Mythbusters, Switched At Birth, and Sister Wives right after they air. 
As much as I miss the opportunity to watch these shows and more, it just wasn't worth the $50 plus $10 for the DVR a month.  $50 doesn't seem like a lot, but over the course of a year that is $600.
$600 that would be:
2 new replacement windows with some extra.
a 3 day trip to D.C. by train with hotel and food
a new ipad
apple TV and a new television
a new couch (not that I need one)
money in savings
and probably a lot more.
So though I am sad it makes a lot of sense, we did use the cable TV, just not $50 worth, so we cut the cable.
Also, since we got the ipad we don't really watch much live TV.  The kids watch their shows on netflix all the time.   I love that I can watch my favorite shows where ever: the porch, the kitchen, the bedroom, and I can move about while watching, I am not confined to one room.  I just wish the Discovery related channels and Bravo were available online (Bravo is, just not consistently). 
So though I will have to wait a bit longer for my favorite shows, in the end it is good, less TV is never a bad thing.

walk don't run

Why is there not enough time in the day? 
I know why. . .
because I run and don't walk.
I was reminded of this last night as I sat in the Paramount and listened to Rob Bell's stories during his Fit to Smash Ice Tour.
I seem to have a short attention span these days, I can barely make it through 1 hour and 45 minutes of church, but last night, Rob Bell's talk that was a hair under 2 hours was too short, I could have stayed all night.
I can't begin to explain how amazing his gift for speaking is and how he can use simple stories, parables really, to reveal the heart of God.
He is very controversial, many people strongly dislike him, especially after his Love Wins book.  In fact a few individuals were heckling people who were coming to the event and passing out tracts and trying to convert them, it is sad that how these individuals don't understand love.  In contrast, everyone in the theater for the tour was very friendly, polite, it was kind of weird being around so many genuinely friendly, nice people.  So it is kind of ironic, if Rob Bell and his followers are "evil" and the hecklers and anti- Rob Bell people are holy, then why were the "evil" ones so much nicer and genuine than the "holy" Christians who think Rob Bell is a false prophet? 
I was reminded of so much last night, it was so refreshing and amazing.

Here's what I don't want to forget:
-failure is not final

- control is an illusion

-walk don't run

-a lamp only illuminates the next step
-the sabbath is important it reminds us that we are to be a human being not a human doing and that our worth is not in our doing
- to forgive is to give up the right to revenge, to drop the jawbone
-our greatest fear is that we will be exposed, and that grace frees us to embrace our shadows and that God will embrace us because the poor in spirit are those that don't have it all together
- your job is to be you and not caught up into who we aren't because there will always be someone better, smarter, faster, richer, etc.
-find your gorilla mask, find your one move and just own it
-we don't want to end up before God one day and him say "Why were you not more like _______ (fill in your name)
-there are burning bushes all around
so though it may not make sense to anyone except those who were there, I hope to remember what I learned so it won't go in one ear and out the other

Last night was kind of like a revival, a hipster kind of revival I suppose, but it revived this soul who has been rushing through life who hasn't stopped to see the burning bushes all around.

P.S. because the friends we went with know him we got to meet him, have our picture taken, and talk for a few minutes, very cool!

true story

Friday night I was at my mother's house helping her prepare for her yard sale.  My mom and the kids had left to go grab some fast food for dinner so I had a few things I needed to get done while they were out so I was working as quickly as possible.  I finished the signs and I needed to superglue a knob onto a dresser.  I had a new bottle of superglue and I kept trying to open it but was having problems.  When I finally got it open it spilled out onto my hands.  I thought it was just two fingers on my left hand so I figured no big deal and went downstairs to glue the knob to the dresser.  I glued the knob down and then realized I also had superglue on my right hand.  Superglue had poured out of the bottle and I had superglued three fingers to the bottle.  Fortunately I had remembered from something I had seen on TV that acetone and ran to find some.  It was difficult opening my mother's bedroom door and cabinet with one completely nonworking hand (right hand was glued to superglue bottle) and one had which had two fingers superglued together, but I managed to find the acetone without gluing myself to anything else and headed downstairs.  I poured the acetone in a small plastic container and soaked my one hand in until my fingers came free. I felt confident that my other hand would be free just as easily, but pride comes before the fall.  I did not put the cap back on the superglue so when I put my hand in the acetone, the superglue in the bottle reacted with the acetone and my fingers did not come free.  I dipped a paper towel in fresh acetone and began working to free my fingers.  It took a lot longer to get the bottle and my fingers unstuck, I was almost near panic that I was stuck forever glued, but it finally came free.  My family did get a good laugh because they returned to see me trying to get the bottle off of my fingers, in hindsight I wish I would have taken a picture so I could remember my lesson to take my time.  I was in such a rush to get it done, but in the end it took longer to do then if I would have just been slow and methodical to begin with.  So yesterday I was sticking picking glue on my hands, and I had quite an exfoliating shower because the glue on my hands were quite rough when I was washing my face.  The good news is the glue worked on the dresser and everything cleaned up in the end.
My facebook status Friday night: 'bottle of acetone $0.99, bottle of superglue $1.99, staying calm after superglueing my fingers to the bottle, priceless."  so it wasn't entirely true since I did have a small moment of panic, but I did know what to do right after it happened and hopefully I won't do that again.

a long bus ride

I feel like a terrible parent because Lance is going to ride the bus home from school.  I feel terrible because it is a 30 minutes bus ride though it is only a 5-8 minute car ride.
I feel like a terrible parent, but then I feel terrible picking him up to.
Pros for riding the bus
-lily can take a long of a nap as she wants, i won't have to wake her up to go pick up lance and since she will have a long day at preschool this will be crucial for the rest of the afternoon
-it save my gas and time, I don't have to make an extra trip and wait in the carpool line, it is a 30 minute bus ride, it is 20 minutes of my time to drive over, wait in line, and drive home
-isn't it better for the environment, the bus is already going so why use my car
-it is better for my mental health, I am a bit fed up with parents behaving badly in carpool line, cutting in line, parking their car and holding up the line, etc.

Cons for riding the bus
-his bus is one of the last ones to arrive at school
-it is a 20-30 minute bus ride, we usually get home 15-20 minutes before the bus gets to our house
-he's my innocent sweet baby and there might be mean 5th graders and I am not there to protect him from mean children or from feeling afraid, this will be his first bus ride
-did i mention it was a long bus ride

Really the pros out weigh the cons especially since I will be picking Lily up from preschool between 1 and 1:30 which puts her down for nap around 2 which may not be enough time for rest if I have to get her up at 3:20 to go get Lance.

The thing I don't understand is why I feel so horrible about having him ride the bus.  He might actually like it.  Why do I feel like a bad mother?  Well we are going to try it tomorrow, I hope that he likes it, it would make life a bit easier some days, especially Wednesdays.

kindergarten

I never would have thought I would lose sleep and worry over Kindergarten.
The decision really in the grand scheme of things is small, but it seems to be of Goliath proportion and everyone has an opinion and like so many things when it comes to motherhood, there is no right answer.
To send Lance to Kindergarten or not to, that is the question of the year!
I have been flipping and flopping over what to do for months and with preschool applications this week it has been driving me crazy.
After teaching public school for four years I swore I would never send my kid to public school, I thought I would homeschool, but then I realized that Lance and I don't do well together when it comes to academics, we butt heads, and he won't try, perform, or whatever for me.
He also is a very SOCIAL kid and would hate being home schooled, he needs more socialization. Yes, home schoolers get socialization, but Lance wants DAILY socialization and that is only going to happen in a day long school setting. So despite my desire to shelter and teach my children, I can see that it is not best for Lance, especially since he possibly has a learning disability and I do not have the skills to help him.
So then there is the wait a year or send him.
The preschool teacher recommended waiting and sending him to the 5 day half-day 5 year old class, but would 2 hours and 45 minutes of preschool really be beneficial for him? He doesn't need to mature socially or emotionally, he needs to mature academically which I would think would happen in a Kindergarten classroom. I do fear that he could get overwhelmed in Kindergarten, but even if we wait a year he could get overwhelmed if a learning disability is hindering his learning.
Here's the other thing, if he was in the public preschool there would be no decision, he would automatically be sent to Kindergarten, they don't offer a Pre-K program for 5 year olds. Also, if Lance did not go to preschool at all then I would probably just enroll him in school and not even think twice, basically ignorance is bliss.
Then there is the me to consider. If Lance goes to Kindergarten and Lily preschool, that would allow me to have more time to work on my part-time job from home or work a few mornings out of the house which would help us our financially which would be wonderful for our family. I hate stressing about money, but it is has been the number one stress in our life for the last couple of years and I am honestly tired of treading water, I want to have money in savings and be debt-free and that is only going to happen with me working.
Also, I want desperately for Lance to be normal. He just started really talking this past summer and there may be other problems lurking beside a speech delay and I just want him to be normal. Fortunately, going into Kindergarten he has an IEP, a speech therapist and a special ed teacher so he will receive help hopefully before he is in over his head. Then all this worry makes me feel like I am making Lance out to be incapable of learning, and that isn't true.
I just want what is best for Lance, but also for all of us, and unfortunately there is no right answer. Several people have told me how they waited a year to send there kids to Kindergarten and it was the best decision, but how do they really know? You can't have one child go through both scenarios.
I need to stop questioning everything and just stick with my decision to send Lance to Kindergarten. I am just afraid that I am being selfish or stubborn and oblivious to the writing on the wall.
So the Kindergarten decision, I wish it wasn't so difficult and I wish I could stop questioning myself, it is just so hard when it is 8 months down the road yet you have to figure out what you are doing NOW!
I knew motherhood was going to be tough, I just didn't know how tough the little things can seem to be.

materialism? guilty

The wind was fierce last night, so bad that we allowed Lance to sleep down in our room because we knew it would be waking him up and we just wanted a good night sleep. Part of me also was scared a large branch of a tree might fall on the house. Anyways, I digress.  It was so windy it was difficult to sleep so I had time to think in the early hours of this morning.  All this thinking opened my eyes to my materialism and how I am guilty for falling for it hook line and sinker.
Before middle school I was carefree and did not care about labels or brands or anything trendy.  I entered middle school still carefree until one day someone made fun of my outfit, the outfit I thought was cool, looking back I question my judgment, but doesn't everyone who lived in the late 80's and early 90's question their fashion?  Something changed then, my eyes were opened to brands and trends and I became paranoid about having the right everything.  At the time Tretorns, the shoes, were really popular and I wanted a pair, but unfortunately my feet were too narrow for them, I was so bummed.  I also became desperate for a pair of Guess? jeans because they too were in fashion, my mom finally got me a pair, and you know what I did feel good for awhile, but honestly I did not like them.  By the end of my freshman year of high school I was tired of chasing trends and trying to keep up.  I was once again carefree and didn't conform to the trends and fads and whatever, unfortunately I lost some friends in the process, but whether they were real friends is debatable.  I was definitely not in the "popular" crowd like I had tried to be in during middle school, but I was heck of a lot happier and content.  I remained carefree and a non-conformist in college.  I had self-worth and a high self-esteem.  I graduated from college, started working, teaching high school and still was comfortable in my own skin.  Then I had Lance and something changed.
The change happened after Lance not before.  I suddenly felt that I needed to have the best baby gear and I was disappointed that I didn't.  Somewhere I made a connection between having the best and being the best mother, but the catch is, we don't have a lot of money, so I never get the "best"and thus I felt less of a person.  I know that it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it is my reality.  Something changed in me, I lost some self-esteem, I lost some self-worth.  I became envious of people, especially people who are not wealthy, who have the nice stuff: the expensive jogging strollers (mine from the second hand store or craigslist and not the "in" brand), or expensive baby carriers in pretty fabrics, or Britax car seats, or toddler chairs (Stokke Tripp Trapp), sippy cups (BPA free), pregnancy pillows (I had a enormous body pillow),  and the list goes on and on.  Then it hit me this morning while I was lying in bed listening to the window blow.  In ten years, none of that matters.  My children will not care or probably even know what brand their car seat was or what kind of high chair they sat in.  In ten years, all of this stuff that I feel so inadequate because I don't have will be worthless and won't matter.  It isn't going to make my children any better children.  Having the "right" brand of stroller isn't going to make walks better.  None of it matters.
Then I started thinking of things in more general terms.  The wind stopper fleece that I have wanted from the outdoor store or Merrell boots, in ten years won't matter.  My wind stopper fleece from Target may not say "Mountain Hardware" on it and might not look as cool, but if it does its job so who cares.  All of this stuff can't go to heaven with me, heck it may not even be around in 10 years so why do I care?
And then it really hit me.  One day I am going to stand before God and He is going to ask me what I did with what He gave me.  If I spent His money on temporary stuff for me to make me feel better that would be pretty darn embarrassing especially since feeling good about what you have only lasts until the next trend comes out.  I want to spend money on things that last longer than ten years, stuff that brings people together, edifies them, helps them, heals them, anything but make them feel the way sometimes, that I am missing something and I am not good enough.  So I realized that something changed in me and my self-worth is in stuff and my focus is what I don't have.  It is silly I know and I see truth right now, but in a few weeks I can easily fall back into the trap of materialism.  So materialism is my idol, my weakness.  and that is my confession