the waiting game

All I can do is wait and it is driving me crazy.  I don't like the unknown.  I am a descendant of a family of worriers though I'm trying to fight it, it seems to be in my DNA and in I can't help it.
I hating waiting and I hate the unknown. I also hate waiting on the unknown.
When I quit teaching seven years ago, I swore I was never going back to teaching, I am possibly about to eat my words.  I quit not knowing the economy was going to go downhill in 2008, that our business was going to burn down in 2009 during a lapse of insurance, that health insurance would be more than our mortgage and bills combined, and that we would not be able to live off of the store's income.  I had faith back then that everything would work out and we would prosper.  We haven't prospered, we have survived, barely.  I am so thankful that my mom has been there for us, to pull us up out of the water when we were drowning.  Treading water is not way to live, it is very stressful and having your income dependent on the whims of Internet-loving-customers is darn right scary (but that is a post for another day).  The bottoms line, I am tired of being poor, of getting behind on bills, on not having savings, on being one crisis away from losing it all.  I am so thankful that we haven't had any major health or home crisis, but we are playing roulette and in one instant we could lose it all, and that is a very scary place to be.  So Lily is finishing up her last year of preschool and I am looking for a full time job with benefits because I am tired of being in this place.
These last two years I have been teaching part time at the community college, it is what I have always wanted to do and I love it.  I love the freedom and the diversity and well everything about it.  In the fall I was disappointed because I knew that when Lily started Kindergarten I wanted to find a full time job and since they had just hired a new instructor they weren't going to be hiring when I wanted a job.  Right before Thanksgiving an instructor quit and this gave me an opportunity to teach 3 classes (4 is full time) and an opening this fall.  I applied for the full time position the day the job was posted (March 5th) and have been waiting to hear something since the job closing date (March 25th).  I haven't heard a thing and it is KILLING ME!  It really wasn't bad before this week because I was busy with classes and I really didn't expect for anyone to make a decision until after classes were over with, but now that classes are over with, every day is agony.  The last two days have been rainy and cold and I haven't had anything to do, but worry about getting a job, it has been awful.  I don't think I have ever wanted a job so much.  I am in such agony over the situation because I feel that this is my only chance, if they don't hire me now they never will.  I don't feel good enough for the job, but I want it so badly, I really love teaching biology and teaching it without all the BS that comes with public school.  Speaking of public school, I am applying to teach at the high school as well though there aren't currently any openings.  I don't want to, but I want a job with benefits and honestly I feel like that is all I am good enough for.  So today I am going to focus on getting things together to teach high school again, updating my teaching license, finishing the application essays, and focusing on the positives.  
I hate not knowing what the future holds and what I should do with my life and waiting.  I keep trying to pump myself up for disappointment so maybe it won't hurt so much. 
The reason I hate waiting is because there is nothing I can do, I don't have control over the situation.  I need to let go, bend so I won't break, it shows I still have a lot to learn.

the perfect day, followed by a not so perfect day

Yesterday was perfect, today, not so much.
Yesterday morning, got up made breakfast (eggs, bacon, and muffins).
We logged onto northpoint online and had church over breakfast and on the couch in our living room.  It was really nice to do "church" from home with the kids sitting with watching or playing quietly nearby.   We then got ready for the day, packed a picnic lunch, and headed to the mountains to go hiking.

almost to the top

taking in the view at Buzzard's Roost

 We hiked 1.5 miles up to the summit of the Sharp Top and had a picnic lunch.
The day was warm and sunny and absolutely beautiful. 

the view at the top

Abbott Lake below, where we got married

 After the hike we walked around the lake at the bottom of the Peaks and then headed to a nearby city for an early dinner at our favorite restaurant, Chipotle.  After dinner we walked over to the Fresh Market and grabbed some goodies before heading home. 

Sharp Top in the background, can't believe Lily made it all the way up there

we strolled along the lake after hiking 3 miles, we decided we need to come back and explore more on a day when we weren't tired from hiking

It was the perfect day.
Today was not that day.
This morning Lance did not want to go to school, he said he was sick, he said his throat hurt, his head hurt and he couldn't go to school (he was sick on Friday with fever, headache, and sore throat).  We told him he was not sick and he was going since he didn't have a fever.  He then complained that he was very itchy and we then looked down at his legs and realized he wasn't going to school, at least not right away.  He looked like he had leprosy, his legs were covered in pink welts, it looked awful.  We first thought it was poison ivy from our hike yesterday, but then we discovered some welts on his back and shoulders where he would not have had contact with poison ivy.  I did a quick google search of hives and poison ivy and neither really looked like his rash, then I read about scarlet fever and got a little nervous (sore throat, headache, rash, all his symptoms once again the rash didn't match).  I called the doctor as soon as the office opened since we needed to find out what to do about his rash, he couldn't go to school and it looked too awful to wait it out, we got an appointment 45 minutes later.  We took Lily to school and headed over to the doctor.  By the time we saw the doctor at 9:45 his rash had practically disappeared, we were very frustrated, how was the doctor suppose to figure out what was wrong if there was no rash to show him?  The doctor did look at the few spots that remained, took his blood pressure, listened to his chest, and did a thorough exam and then gave us the typical doctor answer: Hives with unknown cause.  Hives caused by a virus, an allergen, or just a fluke.  Since he hadn't had any new medication or new food, there was no way to tell what caused the hives.  He said that they would come and go for the next couple of days or they might stay gone, no telling, not the answer I was hoping for.  I shouldn't say that, I am thankful that it wasn't something serious like scarlet fever, but it is never fun either to get the "it's just a virus" response.  So we left the office and took Lance to school.   That morning Lily had been complaining that her tongue hurt and that she was sick and could not go to school.  We hadn't really paid much attention to her because we just thought she was copying Lance like she does, but when I picked her up from nursery school, I noticed she felt warm and after taking her temperature I soon discovered she was running  a low fever.  I wasn't surprised Lily was ill since Lance was just running a fever Thursday and Friday.  So I now have one child with hives and one with a fever.  The good news is we might be able to find out if the hives is caused by a virus if  Lily breaks out on Thursday or Friday or we may never know.  So today was not the perfect day Sunday was, but then days like today make days like Sunday perfect.

star wars birthday bash

Lance decided awhile ago he wanted a Star Wars birthday party this year.   Thanks to Pinterest I got a lot of great ideas and was able to have a party without spending a lot of money and needing an inflatable or another form of paid entertainment.  I had a great time and look forward to more party planning in the future.

the invitation, I was so thankful I found a Jedi font that made everything easy

We made light sabers out of pool noodles, Jedi robes from fabric on sale, and Jeff dressed up as Darth for the final battle at the party

 So the week before the party I was very busy sewing robes and taping up light sabers for the kids.

Lance was my pattern

Since I had to make 13 robes, I needed something quick and easy so I did not use a standard pattern.  I measured Lance from shoulder to feet, doubled the measurement, cut the fabric folded it so the fold was at the top and then folded again to make a mirror image so when I cut it out the sides would be the same.  I cut a straight line from his hand to his armpit and then at an angle from the armpit to the corner (I also cut along the crease to it was a robe and not a tunic.  I then sewed up the sides and hemmed all edges (yeah I am a perfectionist).  I then cut out a rectangle and made a hood, attaching the hood was the most difficult part and unfortunately hoods 9-13 were much better looking then hoods 1-4.  I kind of used the instructions from here as a guide. 
The light sabers were a lot easier to make and so cheap, I found light sabers from the dollar store, cut them in half with a bread knife and then wrapped duct and electrical tape around one end and I had a light saber that was better than the inflatable ones you can purchase at Target and soft enough to not hurt anyone to badly.
I also made a black Darth Vader robe for Jeff, but actually it was more of a long vest since I didn't make sleeves because the fabric wasn't wide enough, if I had more time I would have put in more effort, but it worked so I wasn't disappointed.

the girls had white Princess Leia robes, the boys Jedi robes

My goal for the party was to keep the kids busy.  We had four activities other than food and cake to keep them busy.  These activities made up the "Jedi training."  The first activity was an obstacle course.  The kids had to show their agility and speed by throwing bean bags through a circle (bicycle tire), jump over hot lava, walk across a balance beam to avoid the hot lava, crawl through a tunnel, cross the monkey bars, down the slide of the swing set, and duck under the hot lava hanging from the top of the swing set (hot lava was red tablecloths).  When they had completed the obstacle course they "earned" their Jedi robe.   I unfortunately did not get a picture of the obstacle course, I was really thrown off by the weather that day and was setting up the course a few minutes before the party started and never got around to taking pictures. 

Lance practicing part of the obstacle course

After earning their robes, they came inside and used the "force" while blindfolded to place a blaster on a spaceship (pin the tail on the donkey).  After demonstrating their ability to use the force aka peek through the blindfold they earned their light saber.    The next activity was to work on saber skills and this was the favorite activity of the party. It was also amazing to see 10 boys who went from screaming, running, and fighting to concentrating and quiet.  Each child was given a balloon and was told to keep their balloon in the air because if it hit the ground it would pop.  The kids had a blast and took this game VERY SERIOUSLY! 

Lily trying to keep her pink balloon in the air

After the light saber skills the kids were ready for the ultimate Jedi training test, battling Darth Vader.

getting ready to battle Darth

Jeff was a great sport and let all the kids surround me and whack the heck out of him. 

battling Darth

The kids also got to battle Darth separately and they did a great job sitting and waiting for their turn.

trying to keep a balloon in the air

The original plan was to have a picnic outside but unfortunately the weather did not cooperate.  The sunny, 10% chance of rain, and high of 63 was really: cool, wet and 49, it was quite chilly so we ate inside which was quite crazy.

the cupcakes

After pizza, light saver pretzel rods, carrot sticks, and grapes on a light saber it was time for cake.

the cupcake toppers from Williams-Sonoma

The kids liked being able to pick out their favorite figure.

cake time

So despite the weather and trying to squeeze 13 kids in my living room, the party was in the words of Lance "AWESOME."   I wish I had taken more pictures, but I was so busy enjoying the party and corralling kids I didn't get many.  I am kicking myself that I didn't get a group shot with everyone with their robes and light sabers.  Oh well, they had fun and that is all that mattered. 

feline foe

I have never been a "cat" person, but now I am on the brink of being a cat hater.
The neighbor's cat has lost all sympathy, cool points, any emotion other than disdain from me.  It has crossed the line and it has got to go, and the neighbor too.
Let me start at the beginning.  Back in February, back when it was really cold, one Sunday night there was a poor little kitten sitting in front of our door shivering and whining to come it.  We had seen the kitten hanging around for a few weeks and we was starting to get concerned that the kitten was a stray and not going to survive the cold.  We got a cat carrier, caught the cat, and kept it inside overnight with the plan to take it to the Humane Society the next morning.  Unfortunately the Humane Society is closed on Mondays so we let it out the next morning with the plan to get catch it again that night and take it in on Tuesday.  The kitten was so cute and sweet, we thought about keeping it and just getting it spayed.  Well Monday night I went outside to find the kitten and right when I stepped outside the neighbor two houses down arrived home and I noticed the cat followed him in his house.   We didn't know if the cat was his so we waited until the next morning and asked him as he was fetching his newspaper if the cat was his.  He said it was and at that moment a cat that looked similar but larger ran around the side of the house so we realized that there were two cats hanging around not just one.   (we had been hearing a cat at night whining, I think under our house)
Flash forward two weeks ago, Lily and I decided to have a picnic lunch in the fort on the swing set.  As I was climbing in I noticed that there was poop on my shoe, I walked all around the yard looking for the pile and then I discovered the pile was actually in the mulch under the monkey bars of the swing set.  I didn't realize at the time it was cat, but I was still quite upset that our yard despite being pet-free has lots of poop in it. 
Flash forward one week ago, the kids were playing in the sand box and we went in to eat, after dinner we came back out and noticed one of the neighbor's cats (the one with one ear) was in the lid of the sandbox circling around, we quickly shooed him out. 
Then on Saturday, at about 8 am, we heard two cats fighting out on our deck, we immediately went out and one eared cat was on the deck stalking birds trying to come to our feeder.  It was then we noticed that it also vomited on the deck railing, not cool, we chased it off immediately and were starting to get irritated that this cat was quickly becoming a pest.
Saturday the kids and I planted strawberry plants in the yard.  Sunday afternoon I went out to show Jeff our new plants and I bent down to see how they were doing; I noticed one plant was kind of covered up with dirt, I thought the kids had done it in planting so I tried push away the dirt and quickly discovered I had raked my hands through cat poop.  I was MAD.
I should also note that Saturday afternoon the kids and I were playing on the swingset and I had to remove poop that was buried in the mulch. (I then realized the other mulch by the swing set was also cat poop).
So the total is 3 poops, 1 vomit, and who knows how many urines.
Monday, Jeff and the kids were playing outside, they went in to get something and when they came back (within 5 minutes) they discovered the cat had peed in the opened sandbox and pooped in the mulch by the swingset.
That was the last straw, when I got home from book club Monday night it was about 8:30 and since the neighbor was home I went down to his house and rang his doorbell.
I told him we were having a major problem with one of his cats, it was peeing, pooping, and vomiting in our yard and it was unacceptable. 
I should note that in the last couple of weeks we had not seen the kitten and our next door neighbor thought both cats were gone because bad neighbor was kind of getting back with his wife and never home.
The neighbor apologized and said he would keep the cat inside during the day and not let her out all day like he had been. 
I should also note that neighbor has been gone for days at a time and left the cats out the entire time, but I digress.
He also mentioned that the kitten had just had kittens a week ago.
I was livid, the guy who can't take care of 2 cats, now he has 5.
How I wish the Humane Society was open on Mondays, that cat would have been spayed and our neighborhood would have 3 less cats. 
The conversation ended with the neighbor saying that he would not let the cat out during the day and he was sorry for the problems.
Well I quickly found out how sincere he was.
Next morning, Lance and I left for school and what should we see in the backyard?
Yup, you guessed it, the cat squatting beside the sandbox peeing.
I was so angry, the neighbor's car was gone, he had already left for work, so much for not letting the cat out all day.
Last night Jeff went for a bike ride and what did he discover when he got home, the cat, stalking some poor cardinals trying to build a nest in our bushes.
Today when I got home from work, guess who I saw in the corner of our yard?
The cat.
So frustrated.  What do I do?
Do I catch the cat and take it to the Humane Society of someone who will take a cat missing an ear?
Or do we use the cat for BB gun practice?
Do I buy the expensive cat deterrent spray and pray it works?
Do I eat a bunch of oranges and leave the rinds all over since cats supposedly don't like citrus?
Do I scoop up all the bodily fluids and return to neighbor on their front porch?
Something has got to change, I hate that we can't play outside without worrying about what lovely gifts the cat has left for us and then what do we do about the sandbox?  Dump the sand and start over or what?

no time

so there are so many thing to write about, but so little time.
I am a bit behind in my class, I kind of know what I am doing tomorrow in lecture, but after that, nothing.
I have a big work project for my other job and that project is 1 step forward, 2 steps back and I just want to get my first portion finished, i keep having to going back and changing things and for awhile things weren't saving correctly, anyways, I have that hanging over my head.  On the positive, the longer it takes, the more money I make.
Next week is the kids consignment sale and I have been trying to get the kids old clothes and toys ready for that, as though I need more on my plate.
Then it is Thursday which is laundry day and clean house day.  The laundry is mostly done, just not put away, but the only thing I did cleaning today was organize the laundry room, my to-do list is HUGE!
Then let's see the weather also has been amazing so I have been trying to get outside as much as possible, but since what I need to do is inside, it has been tough being productive.
So much to say, so little time, hopefully I can get caught up this week.  I kind of have to and find a way to hang out with the kids, life is complicated.  I need a spring break.

love thursdays

I love Thursdays.  Thursdays are my favorite day of the week.  Thursday are the days that I feel I am a real stay at home mom.  I cook, I clean, I play, I don't have no where I have to go, I can just stay at home, I love it.  I do though sometimes get a little overwhelmed when I have a lot of things I need to get done and my morning isn't as productive as I hoped.  Today is one of those overwhelmed days, I cleaned out a closet, but I also have to do laundry, would like to vacuum and mop the floors, prep dinner, clean the laundry room, ebay some stuff, and online yard sale some others, and spend time with Lily.  So Lily is taking a nap so I should get productive so I can check some stuff of my to-do list.

Disney

For over a year now I have been wanting to go to Disney World and go to sooner rather than later.  This fall I decided that we were going to try and go in June after everyone was out of school.  I guess it was around Thanksgiving when I was thinking about and planning for the spring semester I realized that my spring break at the community college would be the ideal time to go to Disney World, it would not be too hot, it would not be the busiest, and it would be sooner rather than later.  I convinced my mom to consider it and then asked my sister and her husband if they would like to go, my sister, thankfully really wanted to go.  My sister and her husband found out after Christmas that they could take off to go, so I am in the middle of planning a trip to Disney World for the first week of March.  It is kind of stressful because I don't have a lot of time, most people plan a trip 6 months to a year or more before they go, me two months, if even that.  It is also hard because we have so many people going, seven, maybe 8 depending if my mom's best friend joins us.  It would be cheaper to get separate rooms, but I think it would be nicer to get a Villa where we all could stay.  The other advantages to having a villa are the washer/dryer, and kitchen, I am prefer to make my own food instead of eating out all the time so the kitchen would be wonderful.  So I have to convince my mom the more expensive Villa is worth it, my one point is, we would all be together in one place and not as separated as we would in 3 different hotel rooms and who knows if we will ever be able to coordinate everyone going again so we should splurge, it has been several years since we have all vacationed together so who knows if we will ever do it again. 
Finding a place to stay isn't the only thing I have to figure out, I have to plan our schedule, which fortunately I think I have figured out:
Friday night: drive as far south as we can
Saturday: get to FL
Sunday: Sea World
Monday: Magic Kingdom
Tuesday: day off, hopefully meet up with friends and family who live in FL and we never get to see
Wednesday: Animal Kingdom
Thursday: Magic Kingdom
Friday: head to home
Saturday: get home
Our schedule is not as intensive as many people going to Disney would be, but Lily is only 3 and we want to have fun and not overwhelm her, Disney and Lily seem like it is a bad combination, but I hope she will prove us wrong.
So I have the schedule down, I know where I would like to stay, but I have to do some convincing, then there is the meal plan or not meal plan, the park hopper or not park hopper tickets, character breakfast or not, finding a place to stay near Sea World, and driving route planned, and before I know it, hopefully packing up.  Despite being overwhelmed with all of the decisions, I am super excited and can't wait to go.

a long bus ride

I feel like a terrible parent because Lance is going to ride the bus home from school.  I feel terrible because it is a 30 minutes bus ride though it is only a 5-8 minute car ride.
I feel like a terrible parent, but then I feel terrible picking him up to.
Pros for riding the bus
-lily can take a long of a nap as she wants, i won't have to wake her up to go pick up lance and since she will have a long day at preschool this will be crucial for the rest of the afternoon
-it save my gas and time, I don't have to make an extra trip and wait in the carpool line, it is a 30 minute bus ride, it is 20 minutes of my time to drive over, wait in line, and drive home
-isn't it better for the environment, the bus is already going so why use my car
-it is better for my mental health, I am a bit fed up with parents behaving badly in carpool line, cutting in line, parking their car and holding up the line, etc.

Cons for riding the bus
-his bus is one of the last ones to arrive at school
-it is a 20-30 minute bus ride, we usually get home 15-20 minutes before the bus gets to our house
-he's my innocent sweet baby and there might be mean 5th graders and I am not there to protect him from mean children or from feeling afraid, this will be his first bus ride
-did i mention it was a long bus ride

Really the pros out weigh the cons especially since I will be picking Lily up from preschool between 1 and 1:30 which puts her down for nap around 2 which may not be enough time for rest if I have to get her up at 3:20 to go get Lance.

The thing I don't understand is why I feel so horrible about having him ride the bus.  He might actually like it.  Why do I feel like a bad mother?  Well we are going to try it tomorrow, I hope that he likes it, it would make life a bit easier some days, especially Wednesdays.

tomorrow, tomorrow

i'll love you tomorrow
tomorrow is the last day of my physiology class.
tomorrow is the last day of graduate school (until comprehensive exams in november).

I will be DONE!

I can't believe this journey that I started 2 years ago is complete, I thought it would take me at least 3 or 4 years.

I have met some interesting people, some good, some bad. I have learned a lot.

I am so relieved that the stress of school will be behind me tomorrow.

I am sad school is over, I love learning, I love class when we are discussing something I don't know, I love the social interaction.

I worked on this degree so I could teach at the community college, but I think I would like to teach at a college or university.

My dream of getting my doctorate has kind of resurfaced though I don't know how or where.

Since January I have had my sights set on July 29th, and I can't believe it is here.

The big question is what now.
For the last seven weeks I have been kind of in social isolation, even family isolation working on school work and studying so though I look forward to being social and not having to study, I have kind of forgotten what that is like, not having SOMETHING that has to be done. Then again if I think about, there is a lot of stuff that needs to be done.

So today I am going to hopefully enjoy my last class lecture and learn all I can learn. I am going to hopefully getting an A on my last quiz. I am going to study for my last exam for a class which ironically is probably going to be the hardest one of all my classes.
and tomorrow I am going to celebrate, I did it. I managed to complete the coursework for a graduate degree with two small children. I balanced it all and I only got one B+, well hopefully only 1.

approaching burn out

Halfway through class today will mark halfway through my physiology class.
The glass half full side of me says, almost done, on the home stretch.
The glass half empty says, I have still have to complete and do well on 5 more quizzes, 1 take home exam and one CUMULATIVE exam, the worst is still to come.
My motivation to study, read, learn, make flashcards is decreasing, if I don't understand something I am not very motivated to try and figure it out, this is dangerous. I have made A's in all my classes except one and I want to make an A in this one. 8 more days.
8 more days of spending my whole morning in class.
8 more days of spending part of my afternoon and evening studying.
1 more weekend working on a long, take home test.
Home stretch, halfway there, maybe it would help if we were done with muscles and the cardiovascular system.

the home stretch

so day 3 of my last 3 week class.
I will be done with graduate school in 16 days.
I can't believe it.
What am I going to do with myself?
I am currently drowning in studying, working housework, etc.
I can't wait.
16 more days.

mean girls

Yesterday I was a mean girl especially to my kids, I was stressed. I was suppose to have a take home quiz for my genetics class and I was ready to take it at 2 pm, but unfortunately the professor did not publish it until 5:45 which then I worked on it trying to entertain the kids before dinner, talking with my mom and sister who had stopped by after getting back from the trip to Indiana, while the kids were playing after dinner and when Lily needed to be held before going to sleep. Never would have thought a five problem take home quiz would take HOURS and even if I could just concentrate on the quiz it would have taken a good chunk of time.
Yesterday was a bad day.
I got nothing accomplished, yet that wasn't from not trying. Everything I did was undid seconds later by the kids. I don't understand, the children have a zillion toys but they won't play with their toys they insist on finding my school snack in my bag and dumping it on the floor and smashing it into little pieces in the kitchen while I am vacuuming the living room rug or throwing books down the stairs while I am trying to clean up the kitchen mess. Is just asking them to play in the playroom with their toys such a difficult request? Or for Lily to take a two hour nap and Lance to play quietly in his room, I should have just let them watch a movie, but I hate that, shouldn't they be able to play?
I also desperately needed to go to the grocery store because the meal planning on the fly that we have been doing recently is not working and we never seemed to have anything to eat and I was stopping by the grocery every 2 days and spending way too much money. Though I dreaded taking two kids to the grocery store right before dinner, both kids have been HORRIBLE lately at the store and I did not have the patience to deal with coupons, sales, list, and two cranky kids. So yesterday afternoon I attempted to moderate the children and meal plan, and planned on going after dinner, but I couldn't concentrate because I was overwhelmed and when I get overwhelmed I can't seem to accomplish anything and I was also working on the take home quiz that took FOREVER.
I got nothing to show for yesterday:
my house is still trashed
the inherited furniture still needs completing
the groceries still need to be bought
Quicken still needs to be set up so I can know where our money is going
I need to finish my resume for a neighbor to look at
I need to renew my teaching license
I need to find climate data for my scientific paper for my ecology class
I need to create a curriculum unit for my ecology class
I need to create a lesson plan for genetics
I had a work project to complete
did I mention laundry because Lance is out of underwear and pjs, again
I can't keep up.
So yesterday I yelled at my kids and my husband, wanted to cry at the log list of to dos that didn't get accomplished and counted down the days until grad school is finished- 33 more days, actually only 25 more days of class, I think I can. Today is a new day, hopefully today will be productive and I won't be a mean girl.
and maybe I get something accomplished and not feel so darn overwhelmed.

overwhelmed

I need a summer beach vacation about now.
I am extremely overwhelmed.
The bills are overwhelming.
The kids and the lack of outside play time is overwhelming.
My graduate class is a lot of work and time, thank goodness this weekend is the last one, at least until March 1 when hopefully another class with start and in April when I have present my project from this class.
Which reminds me I am overwhelmed trying to jump through hoops to get signed up for the class that starts March 1 and I need to get signed up ASAP so I can have financial aid!
Then Jeff is considering moving the store location to a new space and that is a bit overwhelming, we will need more business to support the large rent, but it is a nicer space, but it might have problems on its own.
I am just overwhelmed and feel like I am drowning, not a good feeling.
I just wish I had an easy button.

kindergarten

I never would have thought I would lose sleep and worry over Kindergarten.
The decision really in the grand scheme of things is small, but it seems to be of Goliath proportion and everyone has an opinion and like so many things when it comes to motherhood, there is no right answer.
To send Lance to Kindergarten or not to, that is the question of the year!
I have been flipping and flopping over what to do for months and with preschool applications this week it has been driving me crazy.
After teaching public school for four years I swore I would never send my kid to public school, I thought I would homeschool, but then I realized that Lance and I don't do well together when it comes to academics, we butt heads, and he won't try, perform, or whatever for me.
He also is a very SOCIAL kid and would hate being home schooled, he needs more socialization. Yes, home schoolers get socialization, but Lance wants DAILY socialization and that is only going to happen in a day long school setting. So despite my desire to shelter and teach my children, I can see that it is not best for Lance, especially since he possibly has a learning disability and I do not have the skills to help him.
So then there is the wait a year or send him.
The preschool teacher recommended waiting and sending him to the 5 day half-day 5 year old class, but would 2 hours and 45 minutes of preschool really be beneficial for him? He doesn't need to mature socially or emotionally, he needs to mature academically which I would think would happen in a Kindergarten classroom. I do fear that he could get overwhelmed in Kindergarten, but even if we wait a year he could get overwhelmed if a learning disability is hindering his learning.
Here's the other thing, if he was in the public preschool there would be no decision, he would automatically be sent to Kindergarten, they don't offer a Pre-K program for 5 year olds. Also, if Lance did not go to preschool at all then I would probably just enroll him in school and not even think twice, basically ignorance is bliss.
Then there is the me to consider. If Lance goes to Kindergarten and Lily preschool, that would allow me to have more time to work on my part-time job from home or work a few mornings out of the house which would help us our financially which would be wonderful for our family. I hate stressing about money, but it is has been the number one stress in our life for the last couple of years and I am honestly tired of treading water, I want to have money in savings and be debt-free and that is only going to happen with me working.
Also, I want desperately for Lance to be normal. He just started really talking this past summer and there may be other problems lurking beside a speech delay and I just want him to be normal. Fortunately, going into Kindergarten he has an IEP, a speech therapist and a special ed teacher so he will receive help hopefully before he is in over his head. Then all this worry makes me feel like I am making Lance out to be incapable of learning, and that isn't true.
I just want what is best for Lance, but also for all of us, and unfortunately there is no right answer. Several people have told me how they waited a year to send there kids to Kindergarten and it was the best decision, but how do they really know? You can't have one child go through both scenarios.
I need to stop questioning everything and just stick with my decision to send Lance to Kindergarten. I am just afraid that I am being selfish or stubborn and oblivious to the writing on the wall.
So the Kindergarten decision, I wish it wasn't so difficult and I wish I could stop questioning myself, it is just so hard when it is 8 months down the road yet you have to figure out what you are doing NOW!
I knew motherhood was going to be tough, I just didn't know how tough the little things can seem to be.

stressed

I have no good excuse but I have one week until I have due:
1- a paper about the book Isaac Storm
2- a curriculum unit on a meteorology topic (never taught Earth Science so starting from scratch)
3- a scientific study paper and activity for the classroom (haven't finished the study yet start it)
4- a curriculum unit for an ecology topic (started this but I just need to sit down and organize everything)
5- a classroom demonstration on something from the ecology curriculum unit
then to add to it, I am working all day today so I won't have a Saturday afternoon to work and yesterday afternoon the kids didn't nap so I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now- 10 days for 5 things- that is 2 days a thing- Yikes!

full plate

Life has been ridiculously crazy.
Let's see:
Lance has school Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
Lily has school Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Friday morning before school is Lance's speech appointment.
Wednesday mornings Lily and I go to a small group Bible study while Lance is at school.
Thursday nights I have an Intro to Env Sci and Earth Sci class which is more work then I originally thought.
Once a month I have a meteorology class, but I do have meteorology work every week to do.
I also have book club once a month, this month is my pick Eat, Pray, Love, and I am trying to get it done by next week's meeting.
I am also preparing crafts for a craft show for next month,
Then there is also work, work.
As well as the normal, cook, clean, laundry, hang with the kids, all the chores that come with being a wife, mother, and domestic engineer.
So life is quite a balancing act and I am looking forward to a little break though I don't see an end in sight.

life's a beach

Tomorrow we leave for a week at the beach, for  our yearly beach vacation that I have been looking forward to since July 5th of last year when our week was up.  One day I would like to live closer to the coast, or at least have a beach house we can visit regularly.  I hope and pray that everyone will stay healthy and safe and despite having two wild and crazy kids, that Jeff and I can find time to relax, because we so desperately need time to spend together and let go of all the stress of life right now.  The kids and I need to relax so we can get ready for the crazy month ahead when we get back home.  Earlier this week I looked at our July calendar and there is hardly time to breathe, or well in the mornings/daytime!  The week we get back is set with playgroup, storytime, and a playdate, then the week after that is vacation bible school for both kids while I am taking a graduate class during the day (I'll be gone 3 days from 8am to 6pm, a very long day!), then Lance has preschool summer camp the following week while I finish my second week of a graduate class, then the first week of august I am in a new class every day all day (9am to 5pm) and someone different will be watching the kids and they will have storytime at the library and playgroups.  So as much as I can't wait for tomorrow and going to the beach and getting away for a week, I can't wait for the second week of August when I can really relax after  3 weeks of graduate school and 4 weeks of busy, busy, busy.  I thought the summer was a time to slow down and relax?  Maybe next year!

balance

I having a hard time finding balance and haven't had time for anything lately.
After a month of nothing I have been getting project after project for the job I accepted in April, the work is great because we really really need the income right now it is just a lot of work and every available Lily free moment has been spent working on it.  I also had an anatomy exam last Tuesday so every other available second was studying and trying to learn all of the origins, inserts, innervations, and actions of all the muscles of the back, trunk, abdomen, and arm, well not all, 53 give or take.  So if every Lily free moment has been spent on work or studying the laundry has not been folded, the floors have not been moped, the rugs have not been vacuumed, the bathroom hasn't been cleaned and the list goes on and on.  So by this weekend the house was a disaster especially since the kitchen got a bit behind in cleanliness since I am in class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and a certain male figure lacks the ability to clean up after dinner and watch the kids.  I keep telling myself that this busyness is just a short situation, especially since Anatomy will be over in a week and every project for work could be the last one for awhile, but in the moment it is hard to find balance and the whole process has got me thinking about how time management is so important and I have got to figure out how to best manage my time so that I can get things done but also be there for the kids not just there in the physical sense, but there mentally.  Kind of ironic, you always want what you can't have, I wanted projects for work and wanted to take graduate school classes, but now that I have and am, I don't really, well at least not at the same time.  Why is it that life seems to be all or nothing sometimes?  Oh and did I mention my goal of waking up early has failed to help me get on track because the kids are now getting up early?   In fact, right now Lance is calling for me from the other room, no rest for the weary, 18 more days till our week at the beach, after the chaos of life right now I can't wait, especially if I will have my work paycheck by then.

Top Ten Really Interesting Things I Have Learned in Anatomy

 Actually the title should be Top 10 Interesting Things I Have Learned in Anatomy that Aren't Going to be On the Exam

Human Anatomy is kicking my butt, there is so much information and so many body parts it is ridiculous.  My first exam is Thursday, it was tonight, but thankfully the professor pushed it back a class period.  The exam is 104 questions plus 1 critical thinking essay (he will injure a body area and we have to explain body parts affected, i'm scared!). 104 questions that cover the anatomical body regions/cavities, the skin, the nervous system, cranial and spinal nerves, the cardiovascular system, including tons of arteries and veins to major areas of the body, the skeleton, and tonight we will cover joints.  So through 3 hours of lecture twice a  week I have learned some really interesting stuff so here's my top 10 really interesting things I have learned in Anatomy that probably won't be on the exam, but I have learned it and probably won't forget it:

10- that mammary glands are modified sweat glands, though they are very different knowing they are similar is kind of weird after nursing two kids

9- at age 40 you have completely ossified, basically it takes 40 years for your skeleton to be complete!

8- you are born with approximately 270 bones, by age 40 you have only 206 (bones fuse together and not just in the skull)

7- one nerve cell can be 2 meters long such as in a really tall basketball player where a nerve can run from their toe to their spinal cord

6- your spinal cord is the length of the vertebral column when you are a child, but it ends at lumbar vertebrae 1 as an adult and so nerves have to stretch to reach their origin openings once the spinal cord stops growing, I thought it was the length of the vertebral column

5- the hypoid bone is in the neck and isn't attached to any other bones, in a CSI situation if it is broken you were strangled

4-the fibula's purpose is to stabilize the ankle, it can be used a donor bone if needed and you can still walk/run fairly normally even it is removed (fibula is in the lower leg)

3- a doctor or health professional could identify the location of a spinal injury based on touching different areas the skin and a lack of touch and making it according to the dermatome would identify the area of injury, basically areas of the body are divided into dermatomes (regions of nerve sensitivity) and lack of sensitivity can pinpoint where damage to the spinal cord/vertebral column is, fascinating stuff

2- despite how complicated we are there are two options for body organs they either contract or secrete, seems so easy yet we are so complicated

1- that blood from organs in the abdominal cavity (mainly organs associated with digestion) gets filtered through the liver before it returns to the heart, the liver filters out toxins as everyone knows, but it also filters out excess glucose.  the liver is glucose storage for the brain, it stores about 12 hours of glucose so the brain will have glucose (food energy) for the fast of night or anytime we aren't eating, after 12 hours are body starts breaking down fats, never thought about how the body adapts to sleep/resting periods or times when food might not be consumed

So Anatomy is the one of the hardest classes I have taken, a lot of information really fast, and I haven't mentioned the worst part- cadavers, it has been three weeks and I am still uncomfortable and next week we begin dissection, this is only a 7 week class, almost halfway through, I think I can, I think I can.

there are worse things

I know there are worse things then your child not measuring up to their peers and being label special ed, but it still is a little upsetting.
Lance has been receiving speech therapy through the city school system for a year and a half now and his progress has been slow especially at preschool.  Lance's speech therapist wanted him evaluated to make sure there wasn't any other problems other than a speech delay so after a visit to the developmental pediatrician, a battery of intelligence tests, several observations, and telephone interviews we had an eligibility meeting for Lance and he was found eligible for additional special education services.  So now in addition to weekly speech therapy, he will have weekly sessions with the occupational therapist (to develop his fine motor skills especially the correct way to hold a pencil) and help in the preschool classroom with a special education teacher (hopefully to improve his language skills with his peers as well as adaptive classroom skills).  Lance will be 4 next week, but his expressive language is that of a 2.5 year old.  This delay in expressive language is starting to impact his social and classroom skills which is concerning.  I hope that his current struggles are not a indication of his learning abilities in the future because we have a whole lot of school ahead of us.  So though it could be worse, I am still upset at the struggles Lance faces and that he isn't the normal practically 4 year old boy.  School is difficult especially for boys and starting out behind everyone doesn't make things any easier especially with No Child Left Behind or in other words: No Child Shall Be Left Untested.