change is on the horizon

So a few months ago, I was thirsty for change. 
Change is coming and our wide open summer just got a whole lot shorter.
The biggest of all changes, I got a full time job!
This is bittersweet.
Sweet because it means more income, no more night classes and benefits.
It is bitter because it means no more volunteering at the kids school, Mondays with Jeff, and days home alone to clean, organize, relax.
So after 8 years I am going back to work full time, kind of excited, kind of nervous, kind of sad, kind of happy.
So this new job cuts two weeks off of my summer, I have to attend New Teacher Orientation and Teacher workdays.
I also have to attend an AP conference so that is another week off of summer, this means I will be working all of August.  I decided to take a graduate plant class being offered so I can get that out of the way so that takes a bit out of 3 more weeks of the summer, so I am now left with the month of July.
I like to be busy and since school has ended I have been a little lost without my regular routine so it is good, but it is hard too.
This is the kids last week of school and my last week of freedom, my last week I will ever be home alone.
Life is definitely going to be busy in the future, but it is what we all need.

new year day 1

I usually clean up the Christmas stuff 3 days after Christmas, but since our tree was not dead aka a fire hazard we left it up until today.  So from 9 am until 2 pm I undecorated the house and put everything back in the attic storage.  The frustrating thing is that just when I got all the boxes neatly arranged in our little space I went downstairs and kept finding ornaments, or hooks, so just little things that need to be in a box that is the farthest from the attic door.  I am glad that I waiting until today when Jeff was here to help me haul the boxes up and down and pack everything up.  The Christmas decor is packed away neater than it has ever been and I even thought to make sure to make sure that the Easter decorations were closest to the door so I don't have to do any major rearranging in a couple of months.  So today I am thankful for a clean slate in our living room.  I do love our living room once the tree and Christmas stuff is gone because the room is twice as big.  I don't believe in having a buying a tree that fits our small space, I buy the biggest one that can fit in our house and then complain about the lack of space for three weeks.  So the living room is neat and tidy, unfortunately the rest of the house hasn't caught up, but it will, eventually.
After cleaning up we took the kids on a bike ride.  Despite it being a bit chilly, it was so nice to get out of the house and do something.  If I could go back in time and talk to myself 10 years ago I don't think my 25 year old self would believe that I would willingly go bike riding in 45 degree weather.   Before kids getting fresh air wasn't such a big deal to me, now I can't live without getting outside if even for 20 minutes despite the cold weather.  I am proud of myself, I am way more willing to go outside than I was even 4 years ago and I hope that I will continue to put on my "big girl pants" as I like to say and get outside. 
So 2014 is my year of gratitude.  I am so thankful for my home, even though it is small, it is ours, it is relatively warm and has a lot of love in it.  I am thankful for fresh air and the energy to do something. I am thankful for time off from work and school that we can be together.  I am thankful that I have made it another year. 
So today was good, tomorrow it is suppose to rain and Friday the high is less than 30 degrees and windy, let's see if my gratitude can make it through to the weekend!

the waiting game

All I can do is wait and it is driving me crazy.  I don't like the unknown.  I am a descendant of a family of worriers though I'm trying to fight it, it seems to be in my DNA and in I can't help it.
I hating waiting and I hate the unknown. I also hate waiting on the unknown.
When I quit teaching seven years ago, I swore I was never going back to teaching, I am possibly about to eat my words.  I quit not knowing the economy was going to go downhill in 2008, that our business was going to burn down in 2009 during a lapse of insurance, that health insurance would be more than our mortgage and bills combined, and that we would not be able to live off of the store's income.  I had faith back then that everything would work out and we would prosper.  We haven't prospered, we have survived, barely.  I am so thankful that my mom has been there for us, to pull us up out of the water when we were drowning.  Treading water is not way to live, it is very stressful and having your income dependent on the whims of Internet-loving-customers is darn right scary (but that is a post for another day).  The bottoms line, I am tired of being poor, of getting behind on bills, on not having savings, on being one crisis away from losing it all.  I am so thankful that we haven't had any major health or home crisis, but we are playing roulette and in one instant we could lose it all, and that is a very scary place to be.  So Lily is finishing up her last year of preschool and I am looking for a full time job with benefits because I am tired of being in this place.
These last two years I have been teaching part time at the community college, it is what I have always wanted to do and I love it.  I love the freedom and the diversity and well everything about it.  In the fall I was disappointed because I knew that when Lily started Kindergarten I wanted to find a full time job and since they had just hired a new instructor they weren't going to be hiring when I wanted a job.  Right before Thanksgiving an instructor quit and this gave me an opportunity to teach 3 classes (4 is full time) and an opening this fall.  I applied for the full time position the day the job was posted (March 5th) and have been waiting to hear something since the job closing date (March 25th).  I haven't heard a thing and it is KILLING ME!  It really wasn't bad before this week because I was busy with classes and I really didn't expect for anyone to make a decision until after classes were over with, but now that classes are over with, every day is agony.  The last two days have been rainy and cold and I haven't had anything to do, but worry about getting a job, it has been awful.  I don't think I have ever wanted a job so much.  I am in such agony over the situation because I feel that this is my only chance, if they don't hire me now they never will.  I don't feel good enough for the job, but I want it so badly, I really love teaching biology and teaching it without all the BS that comes with public school.  Speaking of public school, I am applying to teach at the high school as well though there aren't currently any openings.  I don't want to, but I want a job with benefits and honestly I feel like that is all I am good enough for.  So today I am going to focus on getting things together to teach high school again, updating my teaching license, finishing the application essays, and focusing on the positives.  
I hate not knowing what the future holds and what I should do with my life and waiting.  I keep trying to pump myself up for disappointment so maybe it won't hurt so much. 
The reason I hate waiting is because there is nothing I can do, I don't have control over the situation.  I need to let go, bend so I won't break, it shows I still have a lot to learn.

what a week

Saturday there was this:

walk in the woods on a warm day

The weather was sunny and the high was 60.
We went for a walk on the trail and enjoyed the warm, spring like weather.

it is amazing how plants will grow anywhere

 We saw signs on spring, we looked forward to continued warmer temperatures and everything turning green and beautiful.

Then on Sunday, we had this:

as soon as the snow started accumulating lily was out and playing

It started snowing around noon and didn't stop until 10pm that night.

all cozy beneath a blanket of snow

It took awhile for it to stick since it had been so warm the day before.

the yard toys covered with snow

But eventually everything including the roads were covered. We got about 8 inches of snow.
It was crazy, my kids loved it though:

lily loved the snow

Despite running a low grade fever and a bad cough Lily had played outside in the snow, she probably shouldn't have being sick and all, but this is our one and only snow this winter and I couldn't let her miss out.
Monday morning my classes were cancelled so we headed down the street for some fun in the snow before it melted. 

enjoying the sun after a very dreary Sunday snow day

We went out about 9:30 and it is a good thing, by the time we headed in around 11 the snow had melted substantially.

getting ready to head down the hill

It was amazing how 8 inches of snow could disappear so quickly.

lance enjoying the sunny snow day

By late afternoon you won't have known we had gotten more than an inch of snow on the ground.

Then yesterday, Wednesday we had this:

62 degrees 2-3 days after an 8 inch snowfall

and today it is suppose to be 70, it isn't a surprise that everyone is all congested, this weather is quite a roller coaster, we even had a thunderstorm last night, which was quite a surprise.
There are still a few piles of snow hiding out in the shade, somehow surviving the 60 degree weather, it seems weird to see a pile of snow when it is warm enough to be without a jacket.

the remains of our snowman

So it went from warm, spring to snowy winter, back to spring in five days.  Our one and only snow for the winter has come and gone and I am ready for spring and summer, but thankful for our one snowfall because it would be sad if we went a whole winter without one.

On totally unrelated news, to add to this crazy week: our washing machine is broken.  I normally do laundry on Thursdays and the bedsheets on Saturdays but in preparation for Disney and some extra motivation I did a load of laundry last night.  Shortly after starting the load, I realized that the washing machine wasn't not  emptying and spinning.  Upon investigation we discovered a part had broken, the door open sensor. Thanks to the Internet and Google we figured out what was broken with the machine and how to take the washing machine apart to get the broken part.  So today on my laundry day this is what my machine looks like:

Hopefully a local store in town will have the part we need so we don't have to order it.  I am thankful we found the problem and it isn't too big of a problem, but a little disappointed because I would love a front loading machine, I just don't want to spend the money on one especially if I have a working machine.

good-bye 2011

2011 was a pretty good year, first one in a LONG time.  After some rough years I am hoping that we are on the way up and that 2012 will be even better.
2011, the year that. . .
- I finished graduate school!
- I got a job, a class at the community college.
- Lance "graduated" from preschool and started elementary school and is growing and learning so much.
- Lily was potty trained, no more diapers (pull ups at night) and moved from a crib to a bed, the baby phase is gone!  I thought I would be sad about this, but I am really enjoying being done with the baby years.
- Jeff moved his business to a new location and got more into recycle bicycles and sales have been better, not as good as they have been, but better.
- I became an apple fan, the year of apple gadgets, I got a macbook pro, then we all got an ipad 2, and then this fall I got an iphone 4s, we are enjoying all our technology, but with it, we are trying to learn to unplug sometimes too.
-  my grandmother did pass away this year, five days after her 99th birthday, which is sad, but knowing she isn't afraid anymore is comforting.
- we paid off our car, our Subaru is ours!  and I made the last payment of my undergraduate student loans, bad news, I know have to pay off graduate school.
- we got a shed this year and 4 new windows, hopefully the new windows will keep our heating bills down, it has been so mild we haven't been able to tell if there is a difference from the new windows yet.
Did I mention that I got a job?  Shortly after having Lance and quit teaching I thought that I might enjoy teaching at the community college, so two years ago I started on my masters and here I am with a soon to be rewarded graduate degree and I am teaching a class, amazing!  I am so thankful for the opportunity to teach, earn a little bit of money, and stay at home with the kids.
This year we also got to spend a week at the beach, take a spring break trip to Wilmington, NC, and a weekend trip to D.C. this fall. 
It has been a good year and I am sad that it is coming to an end, though next year is looking pretty good too.
We are hoping to go to Disney in March and the beach in July and hopefully a trip to visit family in Michigan sometime over the summer, and having a summer with no graduate school is a bonus.

Though I always break them, I have been thinking about New Year's resolutions or goals and here they are:

1- From 4-6 pm every day be electronics free
2- Get some form of exercise at least 3 days a week (this is easy in spring/summer, hard in winter)
3- Plant a vegetable garden
4- Get debt free and stay that way
5- Paint the house
6- Find affordable health insurance
7- Fence in the backyard
8- Drive my car less and the most fuel efficient that I can
9- Read the entire Bible
10- Start composting and get a rain barrel (for garden)
11- Get up in the morning before the kids
12- Be thankful and content

So good-bye 2011, you were good, Hello 2012, I have big plans for you!

i passed!

Despite being sick with a sinus infection the week leading up to the my comprehensive exam, which lead to me feeling crummy and getting little sleep I passed my comps!  So it is official, I have earned a masters of science teaching.  I assumed I had passed, I felt confident about two of the four questions on my exam and the other two weren't terrible they just weren't as amazing as the other two.  So now grad school is over with and I can't believe it only took 2 years to complete the classes, I had assumed with two kids and life as crazy as mine it would take 5, but it is done so now I can continue to teach at the community college and not just provisionally.  So I am done, it feel good to not having to study or work on projects, granted I am working on school work and grading papers, but it isn't as tough, then again, it is isn't everyday like most of my grad classes were.  So I am done, ready for the next chapter.

Labor Day

Labor Day, the unofficial last day of summer.
One of the more depressing days of the year.
I prefer Memorial Day, with the promise of summer, of new beginnings, with the daylight still increasing, with temperatures increasing, with vacations to countdown to, and things to look forward to.
Even though this summer was non-existent and far from spectacular, I still enjoyed it.
Summer seemed to fly by, but I guess that is what happens when you are in school every day for 7 weeks then vacation for one then back to work two weeks after that.
Even with Gram's passing and quite a few colds and illness, it wasn't horrible, I guess I just deal with things better when I can go lay in the sun at the pool.
Our house feels bigger in the summertime not all closed in and claustrophobic.
It is easier to get up in the morning since it isn't freezing cold and I prefer wearing less than more any day.

And then there is the beach, I love the beach and it just isn't the same when it is in the upper 70's compared to the upper 80's.

There are fun things to do in the fall and things I am looking forward to, I am just going to miss warm summer nights catching lightning bugs when it stays light until almost 8. I dread the days when darkness comes at 5

Looking back this summer, well at least August unlike a lot of the country was not very HOT, we didn't get a lot of pool use these last couple of weeks because it just wasn't hot enough.

But it is nice to be able to go outside with jackets and accessories.
And now that we are in the routine of school, life seems complicated, I miss summer already.
It doesn't help that this week the first week of unofficial fall will have highs in the upper 60's and lower 70's and be rainy so we will be banished to the house, but hopefully summer temperatures will return so we can have a proper goodbye.
I curse myself for complaining about the humidity yesterday, it was very warm and humid and come January 15th, I will long for that weather again.
So today we say good-bye to beach vacations, the pool, mosquitoes and gnats (yay!), playing outside until 8pm in the light, catching lightning bugs, weeknight adventures, the splashground/spraypark, hot and humid weather, warm early mornings spent on the porch, ceiling fans, the smell of rain and fresh cut grass, green leaves on the trees that provide much needed shade, fresh produce from the market, the constant roar of cicadas, and all the little things I take for granted, but miss terribly when they are gone.
I will look forward to pumpkins, apples, Halloween, hikes in the mountains with leaves of various shades, but I will look forward to next Memorial Day with the promise of an amazing summer ahead.
As I sit here on my porch, I am trying to take it all in so come February when I feel trapped inside I can have something to look forward. I can try and remember the purple and pink sky from the sun rising giving everything a pinkish tint (I have a hard time getting up early in the winter so I don't often see the sunrise like I do in summer). I want to remember the sound of the birds chatting in the trees and the cicadas droning on and on. The sound of distant cars driving pass by our neighborhood and occasionally down our street, it sounds different in the now then it will in a couple of hours when cars will be constantly coming and going. I will try and remember how the humid air seems thick, like you could swim or float through it and how the coolness is passing, not lingering all day.
Good-bye summer, don't stay gone forever.

hi ho! hi ho! it's back to work I go

life is so chaotic, only I would get hired to teach 5 days before classes start with no orientation or planning time.
So I finished my application for the community college last week. I got a call yesterday asking when I could start. I explained that I had completed the coursework for my masters just not completed my comprehensive exams, I was told that they would check with HR and call me back. I was not expecting a call back. I got a call back and got a meeting for this afternoon, which I assumed was a job interview.
I was so excited, a possible start teaching at the community college, what I really want to do.
I quickly learned at the meeting/interview that I was basically already hired, I had the classes, I had the experience, we just had to figure out what could work in my schedule.
So we figured something out and I start on Monday.
I am so excited, but yet terrified.
By Monday I have to get materials, read the textbook (that I don't have), plan lectures, make a syllabus, and figure out what in the heck I am doing.
Everything is happening so quickly.
I don't even know where my classroom is or how to long into the programs to check roster or how to copy anything, I know nothing.
This is similar to how I began my first teaching job, just thrown in with no experience and I quickly learned to keep from drowning, barely.
So I am in complete shock that I will be really starting a job on Monday.
and everything is so perfect.
The class is from 11 to 11:50 MWF, so Lily will be in school, so I won't be missing out on her time. I am going to be able to stay at home, yet go back to work.
Now the pay is probably nothing since it is only 1 class, but my foot is in the door, and it is something.
So come Monday, both Lance and I are starting school, I can't believe it.

tomorrow, tomorrow

i'll love you tomorrow
tomorrow is the last day of my physiology class.
tomorrow is the last day of graduate school (until comprehensive exams in november).

I will be DONE!

I can't believe this journey that I started 2 years ago is complete, I thought it would take me at least 3 or 4 years.

I have met some interesting people, some good, some bad. I have learned a lot.

I am so relieved that the stress of school will be behind me tomorrow.

I am sad school is over, I love learning, I love class when we are discussing something I don't know, I love the social interaction.

I worked on this degree so I could teach at the community college, but I think I would like to teach at a college or university.

My dream of getting my doctorate has kind of resurfaced though I don't know how or where.

Since January I have had my sights set on July 29th, and I can't believe it is here.

The big question is what now.
For the last seven weeks I have been kind of in social isolation, even family isolation working on school work and studying so though I look forward to being social and not having to study, I have kind of forgotten what that is like, not having SOMETHING that has to be done. Then again if I think about, there is a lot of stuff that needs to be done.

So today I am going to hopefully enjoy my last class lecture and learn all I can learn. I am going to hopefully getting an A on my last quiz. I am going to study for my last exam for a class which ironically is probably going to be the hardest one of all my classes.
and tomorrow I am going to celebrate, I did it. I managed to complete the coursework for a graduate degree with two small children. I balanced it all and I only got one B+, well hopefully only 1.

kindergarten

I never would have thought I would lose sleep and worry over Kindergarten.
The decision really in the grand scheme of things is small, but it seems to be of Goliath proportion and everyone has an opinion and like so many things when it comes to motherhood, there is no right answer.
To send Lance to Kindergarten or not to, that is the question of the year!
I have been flipping and flopping over what to do for months and with preschool applications this week it has been driving me crazy.
After teaching public school for four years I swore I would never send my kid to public school, I thought I would homeschool, but then I realized that Lance and I don't do well together when it comes to academics, we butt heads, and he won't try, perform, or whatever for me.
He also is a very SOCIAL kid and would hate being home schooled, he needs more socialization. Yes, home schoolers get socialization, but Lance wants DAILY socialization and that is only going to happen in a day long school setting. So despite my desire to shelter and teach my children, I can see that it is not best for Lance, especially since he possibly has a learning disability and I do not have the skills to help him.
So then there is the wait a year or send him.
The preschool teacher recommended waiting and sending him to the 5 day half-day 5 year old class, but would 2 hours and 45 minutes of preschool really be beneficial for him? He doesn't need to mature socially or emotionally, he needs to mature academically which I would think would happen in a Kindergarten classroom. I do fear that he could get overwhelmed in Kindergarten, but even if we wait a year he could get overwhelmed if a learning disability is hindering his learning.
Here's the other thing, if he was in the public preschool there would be no decision, he would automatically be sent to Kindergarten, they don't offer a Pre-K program for 5 year olds. Also, if Lance did not go to preschool at all then I would probably just enroll him in school and not even think twice, basically ignorance is bliss.
Then there is the me to consider. If Lance goes to Kindergarten and Lily preschool, that would allow me to have more time to work on my part-time job from home or work a few mornings out of the house which would help us our financially which would be wonderful for our family. I hate stressing about money, but it is has been the number one stress in our life for the last couple of years and I am honestly tired of treading water, I want to have money in savings and be debt-free and that is only going to happen with me working.
Also, I want desperately for Lance to be normal. He just started really talking this past summer and there may be other problems lurking beside a speech delay and I just want him to be normal. Fortunately, going into Kindergarten he has an IEP, a speech therapist and a special ed teacher so he will receive help hopefully before he is in over his head. Then all this worry makes me feel like I am making Lance out to be incapable of learning, and that isn't true.
I just want what is best for Lance, but also for all of us, and unfortunately there is no right answer. Several people have told me how they waited a year to send there kids to Kindergarten and it was the best decision, but how do they really know? You can't have one child go through both scenarios.
I need to stop questioning everything and just stick with my decision to send Lance to Kindergarten. I am just afraid that I am being selfish or stubborn and oblivious to the writing on the wall.
So the Kindergarten decision, I wish it wasn't so difficult and I wish I could stop questioning myself, it is just so hard when it is 8 months down the road yet you have to figure out what you are doing NOW!
I knew motherhood was going to be tough, I just didn't know how tough the little things can seem to be.

a bittersweet farewell

When a chapter of life ends, when someone dies, when there's a loss;  I expect and want the world to stop with me.  Last Friday, someone important in my life died and yet the world kept going.  Part of me wanted to stop people and say to them, "don't you know, we lost someone special, someone who made a difference, someone who loved me and who I loved, how can you keep going as though this a normal day when it is anything but?"  I wanted for just one second for the world to stop and mourn with me. 

Last week, last Friday, I lost someone who is indescribable, someone who I cared deeply for after many years of trying not to, someone who though not my father was around a lot longer than my own father, someone who taught me so much and who I am afraid never really understood how much I did care and how thankful I was for him. 

I don't exactly know when Charles and my mom became serious,  I think I was in middle school, but for 20 some odd years Charles has been kind of a father figure, but more importantly he has been my mom's companion, her person, her significant figure, her other half, her confidant, her best friend, her fill-in-the-blank. 

Charles and I had a rough start, I hated him, well hate is a strong word, but pretty darn close.  He is not who I would have picked to be my mom's person, my dad's replacement, though he never tried to replace my father, it's just all so complicated.  At the time I resented him, I resented him because my mother would choose him over me, because it wasn't just my mom, sister and I anymore, because everyone knew who he was and it was kind of embarrassing that my mom was dating my former elementary school principal, because he wasn't my father, because I was a teenager and isn't that what you are suppose to do?  It didn't help things that Charles was stubborn, strong-willed, and had a temper just like me and the two of us butted heads more often then not.  But as I got older I realized that he wasn't so bad and I really appreciated him especially his relationship with my mother, though flawed because he has been there for her and cared for her and took some of the pressure that was on me.  He made her happy so I didn't have to.

In the last five years Charles' health has been declining.  Well not really his health, his muscles, his strength and two years ago he sold his house and property and moved himself into a nursing home because he couldn't take care of himself anymore.  A year ago after suffering a stroke his muscle strength weakened even more and the last year has been very difficult since he was been mostly bed ridden.  His Inclusion Body Myositis, the disease affecting his muscles started affecting his ability to swallow and probably cough this summer and he started aspirating and developing pneumonia.  Last week, he was tired of fighting the losing battle and pneumonia took over.  Though we knew the end was near, what we thought would be days took only hours, I guess when you are ready to let go, you do.

His death is so complicated, like everything.  I am thankful he isn't suffering anymore, that he isn't uncomfortable, that he isn't trapped in a bed with a body that doesn't work, but at the same time he's gone.  It is frustrating because with his situation there were no right answers.  He could have fought harder and possibly survived for a little bit longer, but what's the point when the quality of life is so poor?  Death for him is best for him, but not for us who are left, but it is selfish for us to want him to suffer just to have him around.  It is all so difficult.

Even though I resisted for many years, Charles made a large impact in my life and I am thankful.  I hope he knew how appreciative I am and how much I do care and love him.  15 years ago I would never think I would be sitting here crying over the loss of Charles, but I here I am, feeling as though the world is a bit empty because he isn't in it.

Since I love making lists, here's my Charles list- what he brought to my life, what he taught me, what he showed  me, etc:
1-Charles gave me a love for going out to breakfast- he would always take us out to breakfast and we would go to hole-in-the-wall kind of places, like Country Kitchen, Carol's, Clayton's or Waffle House- ones where back in the day the waitresses would be chain smokers and would call you sugar or honey- I still prefer going out to breakfast, but I tend to go to Panera, but I am still up for a good southern hole-in-wall kind of place

2-Charles passed on to me his ability to talk to strangers everywhere and anywhere, funny thing is that use to embarrass me so much and now it is something I do all the time, Charles would talk to everyone everywhere and now I do, I will strike up a conversation with anyone and everyone, it's ironic how the very thing I hated most is now something I do all the time

3-camping and travelling in an RV- camping and travelling was okay, but once Charles got a camper, I loved it- I loved having a bathroom, a kitchen, a table, and most importantly as a teenager a television when we went on trips- it was so much fun travelling in the camper- I have many good memories of camping at the beach and the lake in the camper

4-the opportunity to ride on fast things to fulfill my need for speed- Charles had a 4 wheeler at his house and I loved taking it out into the woods and when we were at the lake he would rent a jet ski for me to play on, it was so much fun and both things are something my mom would never have approved of

5-fishing, specifically surf fishing which always required a bit of skill since you were trying to decide whether the pull was the surf or a fish

6-infomercials-  Charles would buy anything and everything from an infomercial- some of it would be junk, some would be wonderful (the turbie twist hair towels- still love them) but you never know until you get it and Charles passed on his infomercial appreciation to me- I will admit I was overjoyed to receive some ShamWows for Christmas

7-fried chicken from Mitchells and food in general from mom and pop convenient stores- if it wasn't for Charles I would probably never have had food from convenient stores, but I have and survived to tell of it and know it wasn't that bad, especially Mitchell's fried chicken and I don't like fried chicken

and my list could on and will go on
but most importantly he showed me a world outside my bubble/social status/network/whatever you want to call it
Charles was no saint, he wasn't perfect, and probably just as many people disliked him as loved him
but he wasn't above anyone or anything, he was for the most part humble, he cared for people, he made an impact on numerous people, and he expected a lot out of people, he was a teacher.educator through and through
and at times could be described as a grumpy old man, he wasn't a snob, an elitist, he didn't care what other people thought, and I hope one day someone can say the same thing about me, not the grumpy part, but that I loved and cared for all people, that I wasn't a snob, and that there are no such things as strangers, just friends we haven't met yet

So as hard as it is to say good-bye and how time separates us further and further each day, I am thankful for the memories and experiences he gave me and that he is not suffering anymore.




Thank you Charles, thank you for expanding my world further than I would have thought possible, thank you for loving my mother, thank you  for loving me and sticking around despite my best efforts to make you go away, thank you for everything that you have done for us, we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you and though I never said it enough, I love you and will miss you always.   -your Sarah B.

endings

this week has been full of endings.
the end of LOST.
but much more importantly, the end of Lance's first year of preschool.
This year has been an incredible year for Lance.
He increased his vocabulary hundredfold.

He developed his social skills.

He learned about shapes, colors, numbers, letters, nursery rhymes and that is just the stuff I could figure out from his limited vocabulary.

He made a best friend.

He became even more independent.

He made all kinds of art, I now have quite a collection.
He just loved school
and I am so happy for him, but a little sad because he is growing up way too fast.
Can he just stay in preschool forever? you know it is fun, he learns things and there aren't the pressures of tests and the class size is small, it is the perfect learning environment.
What is the Noggin saying about "why can't everyday be like preschool?" it is so true.

the ups and downs and life changes of a decade

A New Year always makes me look back at the previous year and see how life has changed, to figure out whether it is better or worse then the following
A New DECADE, makes me realize how much life has changed.

I remember New Year's Eve 10 years ago with Y2K, we waited in anticipation to see if the computer world really was going to crash and the world as we know it ending- it didn't, a tiny bit disappointing, though a similar change was going to happen a year and half later.

2000

it was an exciting year of changes
I graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology
I worked as a counselor at K-West (Kanakuk Kamps), one of the best places on Earth
I got married, the wedding was extremely special, my grandfather, Pop, walked me down the aisle which had been my dream since I was little, Jeff's best man Rob, was able to be there before him and his family left for China where they have been missionaries for the last 10 years, my dad's parents were able to attend and August 5th was the only day it didn't rain that summer!

2001

was good and bad
we opened Scene 3 Boardshop, our business in 2001 which was quite exciting

(our small group at the grand opening)

we celebrated my grandfather's 90th birthday, which was the last time my mom's side of the family was all together for a happy occasion

(the older woman on the left is my Great Aunt Clara, isn't she cute? my grandmother, Gram is center, and Pop is in the front to the right, he always had a smile)

in the spring, Jeff and I planned to go visit my dad's parents on a trip to Florida, unfortunately, my grandmother passed away a few weeks before our trip
then there was September 11th, I remember watching that second plane crash into the tower live on tv and how they didn't know what was happening, it was quite a scary day, the world as we knew it ended that day
2001 wasn't a bad year, but it ended badly, Pop who was visiting for Christmas fell and broke his hip, this was the beginning of the end

2002
I don't remember much, only that after a month in the hospital and a second surgery, Pop passed away
I was devastated, my dad died when I was eight and Pop was my father figure, he loved life, loved people, was generous, loving, and just a wonderful person
Losing him was extremely difficult, I was blessed with a month of seeing him everyday after his first hip surgery and before his second, but the loss still hurts
after Pop died, my Great Aunt Clara came and spent a month or two with Gram, helping her adjust to life alone,  Clara then passed away six months after Pop, my family seemed to be shrinking before my eyes
In the fall of 2002, I left my nanny job and started teaching high school biology, which was stressful, but I made some wonderful friends
Christy, Erica, Angela and I were the 4 Muskateers, who did almost everything together and had a blast, I am so thankful for their friendship and the good times we had

2003
still had the business, still taught, don't remember much, which isn't a bad thing, i think

2004
we bought our first house!  a little cape cod in a nice neighborhood that I still love 90% of the time

2005
got pregnant with Lance
began my 4th and final year of teaching high school biology
we also moved the store to a new location and saw the business grow
I coached the high school swim team with a friend, but unfortunately due to drama of one student resigned at the beginning of the season, which was probably a good thing since I was preggo

2006
Lance!  he changed our lives completely, it was a rough delivery and adjustment for me, but I can't imagine life without him

we also switched churches in the fall, it was a hard decision to make, but we know we made the best decision and love our one community

2007
life was getting a little tougher financially and it wasn't a good year for us in marriage happiness, but we survived
my sister got married and I got to be her matron of honor, it was fun to be in someone's wedding
I also got pregnant with Lily in the late fall

2008
one of the toughest years financially and for our marriage, but once again we survived
Lily arrived on the scene and though she is quite a handful and very opinionated, I love having a girl

Lance was diagnosed with a speech delay and despite weekly therapy did not make much progress, it was hard having two non-verbal children in the house
When Lily was 5 weeks old, I started a part-time assistant coaching position for a small college's swim team, it was stressful, but also a lot of fun and helped make those first couple of months fly by, despite the stress, I really enjoyed doing something outside of the home
Charles, my stepdad, kind of, moved to a nursing home due to his IBM disease decreasing his muscles in his arms and legs, this move has put a lot of stress on my mother and has been hard to see someone I care about fading away
also, Gram is healthy, but mentally she is gone and doesn't know who I am, it is hard to lose those you love

2009
the toughest year ever

I finished up the coaching position and unfortunately due to drama, things did not end as well as I would have liked, I did spend my last pay check on a DYSON vacuum, that months and months later I still LOVE, I also bought some FLOR, it was nice to blow my last paycheck on something fun and not bills
financially it has been extremely difficult, we had a hard time treading water and then the FIRE that destroyed the business put us on the bottom of the ocean

we re-opened in a new location, but people aren't spending money and times are extremely tough
on a positive, Lance started preschool and loves it, his vocabulary has increased tremendously  and I am so thankful for his teacher and the positive experience school has been so far
I also was accepted to graduate school and took my first class, I hope to get my masters and teach at the community college one day
2009 has been another tough year for our marriage, Jeff's coping mechanism is to hide or pretend there aren't problems and with lots of problems this year things have been rocky
Overall I am ready for 2009 to be over with

So this decade has had its ups and downs, I have changed dramatically as a person and I look forward to the future because I figure we can only go up from here

new title, slighty new look

Ever since Lily arrived on the scene, the title, "life with lance" was just not cutting it, adding and the "lily bean too," was just a temporary addition until a new name could develop
so "embracing chaos" fits life so much better especially all that we have gone through in a year:
-the economic downturn which killed our business and put us in a financial blackhole
-the craziness of having two kids, especially one that is speech delayed so everything is a guessing game
and the big one:
-the fire that destroyed our store, our main source of income
the last couple of years has been really tough and i can say I am learning to embrace the chaos, learning to bend, give, and not let life's craziness make me crazy, though some days I feel like I am going crazy
so life with lance is now embracing chaos,
hopefully life will get calmer, though i doubt it!

the great re-arrange

A week ago Friday we began the Great Re-Arrange. I was really frustrated with our house arrangement and since buying a new one is not an option we decided to rearrange. Our house is a cape cod with two bedrooms upstairs and two bedrooms downstairs, this wasn't a problem until we threw Lily in the mix. For the last 13/14 months lily has been in our bedroom, which was starting to become a problem, she was getting up a lot at night and since we were right there she never could get herself back to sleep. Also with her in our room we were never in there since she was in there asleep a good deal of the time. Also our living areas were divided up, their were toys in Lance's room, in Lily's room (though her bed wasn't there, but my sewing machine was), in the living room, and in the guest/playroom (where my computer was). The house was always a mess and we never had a central location to hang out. I was desperate for change, I couldn't keep everywhere picked up or keep my eye on the kids, someone was always somewhere different. Option 1: just move Lily downstairs, it was the easiest, but I didn't like the thought of her being downstairs by herself and it didn't solve the divided work/play space problem. Option 2: move both kids down which was an option I had liked months ago, but began seeing problems and I was still a little uncomfortable about both kids downstairs. Also it didn't solve the living space issue, we needed more living space that was a combination of adult space and kid space. So we decided on Option 3: we move downstairs, lily moves downstairs and we turn our large bedroom into a playroom/den. Our old bedroom is the same size or bigger than our current living room. We are now in the playroom/guest room and though it is smaller than what we had we really only sleep in a bedroom anymore and don't need extra space. So all the big furniture has been moved and everything has its place except I have to organize the stuff that was in both closets and figure out what to do with my chest of drawers. I love the new arrangement and am thankful that I can sew, pay bills, or work on my graduate work in the same room as most of the kids toys. I miss our big bedroom, but this makes the most sense, we are using the biggest spaces for living spaces that we use the majority of the time, now I can hopefully keep the living room tidy and won't have so much picking up to do, but I'm not crossing my fingers, I do have two small children who can trash a house in no time flat.

fall is in the air

Summer seemed to have disappeared and fall has arrived.
I use to hate fall, but I am starting to really enjoy it, in fact I am excited this year. I can't wait to go to the apple orchard, carve pumpkins, make soup, enjoy being outside without soaking in sweat, and being outside without getting eaten alive by mosquitoes (they have been horrible this summer). I am also excited about fall clothes and getting my warm clothes out of hiding and seeing what I have to wear, especially since a lot of things I couldn't wear last year since I just had a baby and didn't fit into anything. I am not look forward to it getting dark earlier and getting cold. I am really ready for a change, probably since this summer has been really rough with the fire destroying the store as well as our finances, I hope that we will be able to recover and be better than before. Ready for change, bring on fall!

crazy busy

Life has been crazy busy and it is just going to get crazier.
Lance and I are about to start new chapters of our lives, he is over-the-moon excited, I am terrified.
We are both starting school.
Next week Lance is starting preschool. I am so excited for him and he is super excited, every morning he wants to go out with the kids to ride the school bus. I have been explaining to him that he isn't going to ride the school bus, but he is still going to school, in which he exclaims, "ye-haw!" I hope that he will enjoy preschool and that school will help him develop his extremely limited vocabulary and become more verbal, having two non-verbal children is HARD and at times frustrating.
And I start school as well, graduate school. This week I start my first class, Research Methods and Application, doesn't sound that exciting, but it is a required class and I might as well get it over with so then I can take Emerging Infectious Diseases and Applied Genetics. I am afraid though, I just don't know if this brain of mine works in a student-learning way anymore, it feels pretty fried from lack of sleep through the years. I also worry about finding the time to work on school work and everything else in our busy schedule. I know that worrying isn't going to do any good, so I am trying not to think about it, but there are still butterflies in my stomach every time I think about class, fortunately it is only once a week, I can handle once a week.

it's my birthday and i will cry if i want to

So today is my birthday, I am now 31.
Part of me knows that 31 isn't old, but I feel old, Heck, I just got use to the idea, wait, more like accepted the idea that I was 30 and now I am definitely 30-something. I remember in high school, being 30 seemed old, not like senior citizen old, but established with the 2.5 kids and a nice house and a tight group of friends with kids the same age, someone settled. I am not where I thought I would be at 31, I feel more like a 25 year old, trying to get it together. If I feel like this at 31, I don't want to think about how I am going to feel at 40. It is funny when you are young, you can't wait to be 13, a teenager, 16, able to drive a car, 18, an adult, etc and then the upper twenties come and you don't want to get any older, and at some point you want to start subtracting years and not adding to them. I guess it is just one of those situations where "you always want what you can't have." So I will try and embrace 31 and accept that I am now a 30-something and enjoy my young 30s because before I know it I will be 35, heck 40 and that is really old. just kidding, i think, jeff is 36 and he doesn't seem too old.

Lily's first year

Happy Birthday Lily!

I can't believe a whole year has gone by. My baby has grown and changed so much in the last year. It makes me a little sad to look at the pictures of her as a tiny little newborn, I miss that little baby, she grew up way too fast. I do enjoy her now so much, she dances, walks everywhere, thinks her big brother is the coolest, and loves to cuddle up with her blanket and momma.

Lily's year in pictures:

meeting big brother for the first time- a little more than 12 hours old

2 days old-my sweet baby girl

4 days old

1 weeks old

3 weeks old

September- 1 month old

1 month old

October

November

December

January- our first road trip, she was quite a trooper

February

March

April

May

June

July

August- figured out walking super fast