Wednesday, April 16, 2014

feeling a little lost

I feel a little lost right now, well really lost.
I have no idea what direction to go.
I don't even what to pray for, what to ask for, what to hope for.
I am empty, lost, blank.

I wish I had a magic eight ball right now. 
Wait, let me rephrase, I wish I had a magic eight ball that would be able to answer my questions truthfully not just randomly like how the eight ball works.

Or maybe I would just like a message in the clouds, you know a billboard with a definite message.

Better yet, a map, or a timeline that could give me some insight for the journey ahead.  A way to show me that here is where things change, here is where you should go, some kind of direction.  It would sure be nice to know if I was on the right path and not wandering in the wilderness.

I have no idea what to do.
I am ready to go back to work full time, or at least I think I am.

I am ready for change, but what am I suppose to do?
Maybe this is where I am suppose to be for a bit longer and I shouldn't follow the first path I come to.

I applied for a job a few months ago, I didn't get it, didn't even get interviewed, I was a little disappointed, but I was a little intimidated by the job if I am honest.

I just applied for another job this week.  I made a list of the pros and cons and the pros out weigh the cons, but I don't know if I really want this job either.  My finances would like it, but would I love it? 

I applied for another job today, one that I applied for last year and also didn't get nor did I get an interview.  I don't think I have a chance since I don't have a doctorate, but what the heck, what if this is what I am suppose to do?  But then again, maybe it isn't.  This job is the job that I really wanted a year ago, heck the job I wanted five years ago, the job I would really like, but I don't want to be disappointed so I am trying to hold it at arm's length away.  Then again, maybe this job isn't as great at I think it is, maybe it is a case of the green grass.

I have a job in my head that I would really like to do, but as of right now it doesn't exist.  I would love to be a science educator, write and create curriculum, work at a nature center type of place, a job that I saw an ad for when I was 9 months pregnant with Lance and never seen again unfortunately.  Well actually there are a lot of jobs I think I would love, an event planner, a caterer, a microbiologist, a gardener, but how do I know what to pursue or even how to begin down those paths.

I just don't know what to do, what to want, what to hope for, what to pray for.
I want a job that I love, not dread going to every morning. 
I want to do what is best for my family, what will allow me to be there for my kids.
I want something different than what is happening now.
I don't want to get my hopes up and get crushed again. 
I especially don't want to be stuck doing something I hate, that is no way to live.

I just want a little glimpse of the future.
Am I to stay, continue doing what I am doing and business at our store will continue to improve and I won't have to go back to work full time ever? (highly unlikely)
Am I to work full time at a high school like I did before the kids?
Am I to work full time in a totally different capacity?  middle school? at a grocery store?
Do I apply for a job in the school system that I use to work for even though the school maybe 30 minutes away and I really don't want to commute?

I feel like I am just wandering and don't know what direction to go and I hate it.
I am wandering in the wilderness and don't know which direction to take and it is hard.

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