Tuesday, September 20, 2011

nervous eye twitch

I have been up for two hours now and I am a bit nervous, so much so I think I could develop an eye twitch.  This morning I have an appointment to see if I am a candidate for corrective eye surgery, Lasik.  I am terrified.  Even though I have shoved a hard piece of plastic into each eye for the last 20 years the thought of eye surgery makes me queasy, I have a hard time putting in eye drops.  For years I prayed that one day I would wake up and would be able to see, so just maybe this is the answer to my prayers.  I have wanted eye surgery for years, but I have been too terrified, but I decided it is now or never and I have an initial evaluation today.  If I pass the tests then I will have to go without my contacts for six weeks.  Six weeks, that is a long time and it is going to be rough and after several weeks it will be no going back since the callous on my eye will go away and wearing contacts will be unbearable.  The thought of being able to open my eyes in the middle of the night and being able to see, or to open my eyes underwater, or to be able to see clearly at night seems like a miracle, and I think worth the fighting the fear.  I have had glasses since I was four years old, so basically I haven't been able to see most of my life and not having glasses or contacts is a totally new concept for me.   I really want to get this done and hope that I can get past my eye issues, but I also hope that I am even a candidate.  So this morning will be my first test, they are going to numb my eyes and test to see how thick my cornea is, the thought makes me want to close my eyes, but I have to fight against instinct.  So here's goes nothing.


Afternoon update:
So it looks like no surgery for me.  I was really upset this morning, but I am getting over it now.  My eyes really are that bad.  That really doesn't explain it, my eyes are really bad and my cornea (the part they alter in surgery) are thin, but actually they are just not thick enough to do enough correction.  I am a candidate for surgery, but it will not improve my eyesight enough to be able to go without correction. I would still need contacts and glasses to see, my prescription would not be as strong, but I would still have to have something to drive and live life clearly.  One of the things that kind of set me off was, the doctor said that my eyesight would be good enough for around the house.  
Around the house, that is real helpful since I am never home and I can technically get by around my house without glasses or contacts now since it is my house and I could get around blindfolded, but that is just me being silly.  Besides why would I endure one the worst things I can think of (having someone cut my eye) for better vision, but nothing close to perfect vision.  Best case scenario they could correct me to 20/40, but even that is best case scenario and may not happen.  So I am extremely disappointed, more so than I thought, I guess because it just brings up all the self consciousness I have had about my eyesight that I have had for most of my life.  I have always hated glasses and having to wear contacts.  I have always hated how thick the lens of my glasses are (even when they are as thin as they can) and how my glasses make my eyes look microscopic.  So unless the technology improves  am stuck with the glasses and contacts.   
It is hard not to fall into into the "why can't something be easy for me" mindset and to focus on the positives, I have a job, a husband, two beautiful kids, a house, a nice car, and many other good things.

1 comment:

Molly said...

My dad was also deemed "not a candidate" for the same reasons you were - thin cornea, etc, and he wore hard contacts too. He kept talking to specialists, though, and finally found a different surgical solution - all I know is that it's NOT Lasik. But he now sees without glasses, though he now needs reading glasses for farsightedness that comes with age (like when your grandparents would hold a menu at arm's length) that is unrelated to his previous eye problems. However, he never needs them around the house or driving. At any rate, sorry you're bummed out, but if you want, I'll ask him who his doctor was. May involve a trip to Roanoke (not sure if he got them done there or the burg) but I know he's a thousand times happier - and by his calculations, it's already paid for itself in cost savings on things like contacts, glasses, eye exams, solution, etc. Good luck :)

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