Wednesday, March 25, 2009
middle of the night
i am a worrier, it is not a good thing, i inherited it from my mom and grandma, they are notorious worriers. I am trying to let go, but it is hard, life is hard right now. last week my mom noticed that I looked like I had lost weight. I don't own a scale so i used hers and was horrified to find out that I had lost around 5 pounds in the last month or two. For me that is a lot of weight to lose and it will be even harder to gain it back. It hit me then, the stress of life right now, the lack of business the store has been doing is hitting me harder than I realized. Two things happen when I am stressed, I don't eat and I don't sleep, i get up in the early morning hours and worry. Last night was one of those nights. It was 4 am, I couldn't sleep and I was just stewing over everything. I am honestly scared about how we are going to make it, how we can weather this crazy financial time when our income is based on people buying things and very few people are buying right now? My worry then changed to a little bit of anger towards Jeff. Here is Jeff, sleeping like a log, not a baby since babies get up all the time. He doesn't seem bothered by the difficult situation we are in and his natural tendency is to bury his head in the sand and pretend there isn't a problem. His lack of concern and his denial makes me worry more because I start to wonder if are deeper in the hole then we realized because there is denial going on. So of course I woke Jeff up and told him I was scared, really scared, his response, it will all work out in the end. Will it though? I wish I had the faith to believe that it will, even if we don't have a house, a car, and all we have is each other. I lack trust, trust that everything will turn out okay in the end, we will make it. I am also frustrated because I am a fixer and right now I can't fix the problem, I can't go out and get a job and fix the problem, it is driving me crazy. and to be total honest, I don't trust Jeff to do everything he can to support us. It seems so wrong to admit that, but it is how I feel, what I am thinking about. I am in this place right now where me the fixer can't fix it and I have to trust that God will see me through especially when it seem impossible and means I may have to give up a lot of things. I am so tired of being in this cycle, I need to learn what lesson needs to be learned and break free. I need to trust, but it sure is hard to step out of the boat and walk on water.