Rain + Financial Train wreck + No Good Fitting Clothes + Cooler Temperatures = Depressed Me
I think the cold temperatures and the rain is really starting to get to me. To try and make things a little more exciting Lance and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items so we could have a Half Birthday Celebration last night. Instead of feeling great, I feel worse. Lately it seems that I see people and hear of people who have the life that I want and it is getting to me, I am not content with life right now. Basically I wish I was a yummy mummy. Yesterday I was at the grocery store and I saw a yummy mummy. She was doing major grocery shopping at the expensive grocery store unlike me who was picking up a few items and do my major grocery shopping at Walmart and then I have a list and I am adding up prices to make sure that I stay within my shopping limit and am pretty stressed trying to decide what we must have, entertain lance in the cart, and add and subtract what is the cart. She looked cool and collected and her child was not squirming around in the cart nor going through her purse and chucking the remains down the aisles. Yummy mummy was so relaxed she was able to enjoy a Starbucks as she shopped. I only wish grocery shopping was that carefree or that I could even justify getting a drink somewhere instead of using the money for a bill we owe to someone. Yummy mummy also was stylishly dressed in trendy clothes without stains or holes. I wish I could dress stylishly but I lack the funds, lack of time, lack of energy, basically I don’t even know where to begin on the fashion front and I sit in my stained clothes and blah, plain outfit. In fact, in the last two months I have bought one pair of jeans for myself, that is it, and those were from Old Navy, real fancy. I guess what made the clothes thing hurt is my currently problem of not being able to find anything in my closet that fits. My pre-lance clothes are too small, my right after lance was born clothes are too big, and some more of last winter's clothes are getting too small, then there are some things that are just plain missing, some things stained or have holes in them (despite them being relatively new, grrrrr). Anyways, I feel like I have 3 good outfits and I just wear them over and over and over again. Back to yummy mommy, she bought so many groceries she had the bag boy take her cart out to her car and load up her Honda Odyssey minivan which is the definite the "it" vehicle for the mommies in our area. So after observing this mommy for a few minutes I felt quite lacking in all areas of momminess. Now I know that life probably isn't as great as it looks, but man, it looks pretty good from here.
These days I get so easily envious when I hear and see these mommies who buy clothes and other stuff as though it isn't a big deal, husbands who don't work 6 days a week, those who get to go away for the weekend, heck even out to dinner together, those with good friends they hang out with and have kids at the same time, those who get to stay at home without having to stress about how you are ever going to get caught up financially, those who aren't about to lose everything if the wind blows the wrong way. I have a lot: a newer car, a house I be devastated if we had to leave, clothes for me and my family, food in my refrigerator, a sweet boy who loves me, a husband who works hard and loves me, but in one week, maybe even in a day it could be gone, we have built our house of sticks and their is a storm and I don't know if everything can stand up to the wind. I just feel so alone. I wish I had a best friend in the same life stage. Alone, it seems to be the theme of my life, I never have felt like I have fit in, I always feel I am in the outside looking in. Will I ever be in the "in" circle? Do I really even want to?