Wednesday, September 12, 2007

life's pretty dull right now

Nothing really exciting going on. Lance was not sleeping last week and I felt like I had a newborn again, but one that could screamed way too loud. The last two nights he is back to sleeping all night, thank goodness. I had a strange dream last night about my grandmother so I decided to go by and visit her since I have been a slacker and haven't seen her in such a long time. It is just hard because she has dementia, doesn't remember much and just repeats herself over and over. She never sees anybody, she is all alone, I am the first person she has talked to all year, she would be so much better if she was with family, and so on. It is very hard to stay long because she just repeats the same thing over and over and over again. You can't really talk to her or even try to have a conversation, because she "doesn't know a thing." I feel bad because she has nothing to live for, her husband of over sixty years is gone, her friends are gone, her home is gone, her mind/memory are gone, and she has no purpose. What is sad irony, her mind is going, but her body is healthy and it makes it hard when you think of people out there whose bodies are so helpless, but their minds are sharp. It is hard to go and visit her because it is the same thing over and over, but also because she isn't the person she use to be and though she is here physically she has been gone mentally for years. I woke up from my dream last night and felt really sad, I really missed my grandparents, and I wished there was something I could do for Gram, I wish she had peace.
I am kind of frustrated right now, I can't seem to get anything done and once it is done it gets undone. I keep trying to clean up and organize but little man keeps undoing everything and when organizing, more mess gets made. I also lost my bank card and I am very frustrated because I can't find it anywhere and I really need to find it. I also am trying to figure out what to do about my business, do I want to expand or keep it grassroots, I am not in it to make loads of money, more to just provide people with baby carriers at the local level. Everything combined just makes me overwhelmed, I just need to get a couple things done and I think I would feel better. I am also a little anxious because I am trying to trust that all of our bills this month will be paid, it is a very tough think to let it all go, but I don't really have much choice. Well it is naptime and something needs to get done.

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