Sunday, December 16, 2007

denial ain't just a river in Egypt

The past week I have been in major denial about what is going on.
Denial point 1- got indigestion from lunch at a friend's house and now every time I think about a certain aspect of our meal I get queasy (Tuesday)
Denial point 2- haven't been able to eat as much food lately
Denial point 3- i got teared up while watching Kid Nation Wednesday night
Denial point 4- felt sick right after eating breakfast on Thursday
Denial point 5- Extremely bloated and felt horrible Thursday night
Denial point 6- Could not eat anything all morning Friday and felt quite icky and was only able to drink ginger ale and eat 1.5 pretzel rods
and the biggest denial point: i was late, really late, like week and half late
Finally after feeling so horrible all morning I took a test and it was BLAZING positive, so positive the vertical line indicating positive on the test showed up minutes before the other part and the test window
Yeah, I was in major denial
In fact, because the positive came up so fast I thought there might be an error and didn't know if I should believe the accuracy of the test, yeah, major denial
What is funny is that I have wanted to have another one, but by Friday I had convinced myself I was okay with waiting until Lance was a bit older and that I didn't want to be pregnant now, in fact while waiting for the result I was chanting "negative, negative, negative," but my wishful thinking was ineffective
I think the biggest reason I didn't want to be pregnant is the all day sickness especially with Christmas a week away, I felt so horrible Friday and it brought all those memories back and I realized I wasn't ready for feeling yucky all over again
I was also sad for Lance, I didn't want him to think that I didn't love him and I didn't know if it would be best for him and I am obsessed on making the best decisions for him
Also, our house, oh how I love our house, it just doesn't have room for 4, we are tight with 3, and with no basement and storage and no money to upgrade it is kind of upsetting, but then again, it won't really matter until the baby gets old enough to sleep in its own room, not up so much at night so we have plenty of time
And then there is the whole money thing, we are struggling now with 3, but I have to believe that it will get better
I know that all of my issues will work themselves out, i am just not an automatic glass full kind of girl
Well it has been 48 hours and the shock is over and I am feeling good at least at the moment, I wish i hadn't been so stubborn and took a test awhile ago so I could have realized I was pregnant and let that shock set in before the all day sickness hit, but too late now
So 6 weeks down, at least 34 more to go! and I am enjoying my good feeling self now, it is just hard to eat when you feel gross, but it is hard to program my head that eating will make me feel better, i will get it down probably by the time the all day sickness passes

1 comment:

donna aka spuddy buddy.com said...

Congratulations! I can imagine how overwhelming it must be to find out when you weren't exactly ready. But it'll be good. So good. I'm so excited for you!

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