Monday, November 26, 2007

rainy day

Ahhh, it is so gross out right now. It is cloudy, raining, and feels like the sun doesn't exist. It would be a good day for napping and reading, but we have no food and I have to go to the grocery store today. Last night we watched "Everything is Spiritual." It was very interesting and entertaining. He (Rob Bell) explained about different dimensions by giving the example of what a three dimensional object passing through a two dimensional world would look like and related it to God. A ring passing through a two dimensional world would look like a dot, then two small lines that move away from each other and then the lines moving towards each other and then a dot. Two people who might see this could have different opinions on what just happened, one could believe it was a ring, though they have no real proof and someone else could say it was just dots and lines, similar to how two people could explain God. Anyways, I enjoyed the DVD and it just excites me how much good stuff is out there today to learn from.
Also last night I was offered an opportunity and I don't know what to do. Paul and Karen are having a baby in a couple of weeks. Karen financially supports them because Paul does not have a salary (he's our pastor). The ideal situation is for Karen to stay at home with Ella, but they don't know if that can work, so they need a babysitter for Ella and they asked me. I have mixed feelings about this. I am excited because I would be able to make a little money, I would be able to take care of a baby girl (I would love to have a baby girl), and I could have another baby without having another one (though I would still love to have one). The downside is: our house is small now with only one, two will make things even more cramped, it will be at least 40 hours each week, it will be hard, it will change Lance's schedule and world, I feel bad because another baby will take away from him, but all of the downsides would be the equivalent to us having another one. I would love to do this for Paul and Karen I just don't know if this will be too much. The crazy thing is, I really want to have another baby, but I have reservations about taking the job. If I am honest, I have a fear that we won't have anymore children, and this is the best I will get. I have been praying for another baby, so is this opportunity my answered prayer? The money even though it won't be very much will help pay bills and save for the future, but will I fall victim once again to ownership and holding it over Jeff's head. Will I resent him for not being able to provide for us without me pitching in to help? Will it ever give him the opportunity to solely provide for us? Then a selfish question: why can't I be a stay at home mom who just stays at home and doesn't have any other responsibilities other than her children and home ie, bring home the bacon? Is this the best decision for Lance, I want the best for him, is this it? So many questions, I wish I could get a billboard kind of answer from God so I would know I am making the right decision. I know that not all opportunities are the ones we are suppose to take, is this one we are or aren't? I do know that this could be good. I have a lot to think about.

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