Friday, November 02, 2007
in a holding pattern
Though it makes absolutely no sense because we have such little money, I would love to have another child. I really want Lance to have a sibling close in age. I have tried not to bug Jeff about it because the idea of a baby stresses him out, he doesn't enjoy newborns, he likes toddlers and up. A customer at the shop told Jeff that he shouldn't wait too long between kids because once you get use to sleeping and not crying the harder it is to adjust again to lack of sleep and all that crying. Jeff decided it wouldn't be the end of the world if we had another, which is what I have been waiting for. So this first month didn't happen, which makes me a little bummed since I fear that Jeff will change his mind and like the over thinker that I am I had it all planned out, and it would have been perfect. So I have pretty much gotten over my disappointment, but I haven't started those dreadful days which puts me in a holding pattern. I am so frustrated, Jeff says it is because I like to control things and I obviously don't have control over my body or things wouldn't be the way they are. I am frustrated because I don't know what is wrong and I just want to be normal and then there is that little fear that is creeping back in, that I can't have more children. I know that it takes time and beginner's luck is rare, but I hoped and prayed that I could be the exception to the rule, but I am not. I have realized this week that though I know in my head that God has a plan for my life which is better than any plan I could create, there is some part of my soul that doesn't believe it, and I, like Eve, feel like God is holding out on me.
These pictures are from the park on Tuesday, Lance enjoyed running in and out of the giant tube until he fell over and bumped his head. This boy loves to be outside and I don't know what we are going to do this winter because I hate being cold, I guess we need to invest in some really warm clothes.