So today I broke it down and finally did a big grocery store trip to Walmart. I hate going so I have been putting it off for a week now and today I finally just went. As I was getting food for this week's menu and food that worked with my fast, all I could see was what I couldn't eat. I have been so focused these last three days on all the things I can't eat, that I am totally overlooking the things I can eat. A few of the women in the group are only eating 7 things all week, only 7 things and they are only using salt, pepper, and olive oil to make their food tasty. It hit me in the dairy section, why am I whining about my 7 missing things, when I have hundreds of other options?
Tonight for dinner we are having turkey burgers, olive oil french fries, baked beans, and macaroni and cheese. I am lamenting on my lack of bun and fries but I can still eat the beans, macaroni, and the burger itself. Why is the lack of bun my main focus and not on the fact that I can eat a whole and filling meal, where some of my others friends are eating beans and rice or bland chicken for the third night.
Focusing on what I don't have and not what I do is something that I am totally guilty of every single day. I am not a glass full person when it comes to myself and my life, for you I totally am, but not for me. I realized today that I look at the negatives in my life and do not always celebrate the positives and I don't know how to change that. I don't know how I got so focused on the negatives and what I don't have especially in comparison to others. Comparison kills, I know that, yet I am stuck in a cycle and can't seem to break the habit.
I want to be a glass half full kind of person and truly grateful, I am in some areas, but not in a lot of others. The negatives or the things I lack seem so loud and blaring and the positives so quiet and minuscule. I need to change, I just don't know how to start.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
7 Fast- Day 2- overwhelmed
I made it through day 2. Yesterday was a crazy day and thanks to some planning the night before and Jeff being awesome by making me bacon and eggs for breakfast the day flew by and I wasn't the total whiner I was Thursday. I had bacon and eggs for breakfast, I missed my muffin or toast and glass of OJ, but it was a good start to the day. By 11 though I was starving, didn't quite see that coming because I thought the all protein breakfast would keep me satisfied a bit longer. So after lab I had my "lunchable" that I had bought at the grocery the night before. An apple, raw almonds, a slice of cheddar cheese, and carrots. I felt quite healthy and full of myself enjoying my very healthy lunch. By 2:30, I was starving AGAIN so I had a bag of pretzels. Two hours later I was starving again and had peanut butter crackers and due to a consignment sale I didn't get dinner, homemade chicken nuggets, strawberries and a tiny bit of vanilla yogurt until close to 8pm.
So Day 2 wasn't the total disaster that Day 1 was. There were lots of temptations to cheat, but I stuck with the fast and glad to make it through another day. I really don't like to think so much about food and what I should or should not eat. I also realized when I was eating my lunch that I could easily become prideful on the "healthy" and "whole" foods that I was consuming and potentially look down at others who don't make "good choices." I firmly believe everything in moderation and give me any food and I can tell you how it is bad for you, we live in an imperfect world, everything can kill you and I try not to get obsessed.
Day 2 conclusions:
I still believe that I am a spoiled brat when it comes to food and I am really appreciate of all the options that we have. Think about it, the options are ridiculous, even crackers, say butter crackers: you have the name branded Ritz, you have the store brand, then there are the whole grain, the no salt, the reduced fat, the roasted vegetable, the garlic butter, the honey butter, there's even bacon flavored.
Is bacon flavored for real?
We have over 10 different options of Ritz crackers! Crackers people! I don't even want to think about how many crackers become stale and get thrown out especially when 7.1 billion people are undernourished and would love our stale crackers. I feel drawn to make a difference, but I am not sure what that looks like and how little me can make a difference. I don't necessarily want to move to a third world country and eat rice and beans for the rest of my life. I also want to make a difference in this country where 1 in 6 people go hungry and who knows how many additional people are getting by but not always making the best food options because a lot of times an apple cost more than a bag of chips. The food situation in the world and in our country is overwhelming and I feel silly lamenting this morning that due to the 7 fast I am not having pancakes.
So Day 2 wasn't the total disaster that Day 1 was. There were lots of temptations to cheat, but I stuck with the fast and glad to make it through another day. I really don't like to think so much about food and what I should or should not eat. I also realized when I was eating my lunch that I could easily become prideful on the "healthy" and "whole" foods that I was consuming and potentially look down at others who don't make "good choices." I firmly believe everything in moderation and give me any food and I can tell you how it is bad for you, we live in an imperfect world, everything can kill you and I try not to get obsessed.
Day 2 conclusions:
I still believe that I am a spoiled brat when it comes to food and I am really appreciate of all the options that we have. Think about it, the options are ridiculous, even crackers, say butter crackers: you have the name branded Ritz, you have the store brand, then there are the whole grain, the no salt, the reduced fat, the roasted vegetable, the garlic butter, the honey butter, there's even bacon flavored.
Is bacon flavored for real?
We have over 10 different options of Ritz crackers! Crackers people! I don't even want to think about how many crackers become stale and get thrown out especially when 7.1 billion people are undernourished and would love our stale crackers. I feel drawn to make a difference, but I am not sure what that looks like and how little me can make a difference. I don't necessarily want to move to a third world country and eat rice and beans for the rest of my life. I also want to make a difference in this country where 1 in 6 people go hungry and who knows how many additional people are getting by but not always making the best food options because a lot of times an apple cost more than a bag of chips. The food situation in the world and in our country is overwhelming and I feel silly lamenting this morning that due to the 7 fast I am not having pancakes.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
7 Food Fast- Day 1- I am a spoiled brat
So during this season of Lent I am doing a Bible/book study on Jen Hatmaker's book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. I read the book last spring, absolutely loved it, tried a few fasts, possessions and spending (no Target for a month!) and jumped at the opportunity to really experience the lessons in the book with others. What was I thinking?????
So the first week was introduction. This week is food. The ideal would be only eating 7 items for a week, but I have young kids, a limited budget and little time and would not be able to make 2 separate dinners each night, so I decided to eliminate 7 items from my diet for a week. I chose 7 items that I love/ eat regularly and even though I am only 2 meals and 1 snack in, I am hating this.
The 7 items I have eliminated:
- eating out, no restaurant food (not too hard usually)
- chocolate (there goes my chocolate/almond morning granola bar)
- dessert (oh how I crave something sweet)
- bread (my favorite, I love bread, the challenging one)
- sweet breakfast/bakery items (muffins and pancakes)
- french fries (do tater tots count?)
- anything to drink other than water (i.e. the occasional soda that I can crave when I cut out chocolate)
So I am 2 meals down, 19 more meals to go. I am already grumpy and craving all the things that are on my list. I am regretting my meal planning because the meals I planned before I knew I was going to fast includes all my favorites. Not only am I regretting the food choices, I haven't made a real shopping trip in over a week so our food stash is low and the options are sparse especially when you get rid of the regulars i.e. bread. No rolls, no bread for sandwiches, no bun for hot dogs or turkey burgers, no fun.
So here I am whining and complaining and missing certain foods. Wow! What a small little world I live in. I am cutting out these foods for 1 week. 1 week! That is 1.92% of a year. Say if I live to be 80 years old (4,160 weeks), my fasting from my favorites would only be 0.02% of my life, that isn't even half a point! What a spoiled brat I am.
There are some people who never get to eat fresh out-of-the-oven homemade chocolate chip cookies or a loaf of french bread. I have a tendency to compare myself to others, well actually to the haves, not the have- nots, and so my life seems lacking, yet it really isn't. Even with my elimination, I will have plenty of food to eat and next week I can go back to my chocolate and bread, but some people in the world's poorest countries would take my simplest, 7 free foods any week.
I also have to admit that I am amazed at how I went from eating when hungry to obsessed about food overnight. I didn't think I would be. I am not a foodie. I am not constantly thinking about food, when I am hungry, I eat, usually what sounds good and don't really give it much thought. Yes, I am someone who can forget to eat, food is not usually a weakness for me, or so I thought. Maybe food is a bigger deal and I just didn't realize it because I always had what I wanted. I have never been without food. I don't know what it is like to go hungry, yes we have struggled to pay bills, but we have never gone hungry and even with my eliminated food choices, I will not go hungry.
So today I have realized that I am rich, not necessarily by American standards, but compared to most of the world, I got it good.
Just some food for thought.
So the first week was introduction. This week is food. The ideal would be only eating 7 items for a week, but I have young kids, a limited budget and little time and would not be able to make 2 separate dinners each night, so I decided to eliminate 7 items from my diet for a week. I chose 7 items that I love/ eat regularly and even though I am only 2 meals and 1 snack in, I am hating this.
The 7 items I have eliminated:
- eating out, no restaurant food (not too hard usually)
- chocolate (there goes my chocolate/almond morning granola bar)
- dessert (oh how I crave something sweet)
- bread (my favorite, I love bread, the challenging one)
- sweet breakfast/bakery items (muffins and pancakes)
- french fries (do tater tots count?)
- anything to drink other than water (i.e. the occasional soda that I can crave when I cut out chocolate)
So I am 2 meals down, 19 more meals to go. I am already grumpy and craving all the things that are on my list. I am regretting my meal planning because the meals I planned before I knew I was going to fast includes all my favorites. Not only am I regretting the food choices, I haven't made a real shopping trip in over a week so our food stash is low and the options are sparse especially when you get rid of the regulars i.e. bread. No rolls, no bread for sandwiches, no bun for hot dogs or turkey burgers, no fun.
So here I am whining and complaining and missing certain foods. Wow! What a small little world I live in. I am cutting out these foods for 1 week. 1 week! That is 1.92% of a year. Say if I live to be 80 years old (4,160 weeks), my fasting from my favorites would only be 0.02% of my life, that isn't even half a point! What a spoiled brat I am.
There are some people who never get to eat fresh out-of-the-oven homemade chocolate chip cookies or a loaf of french bread. I have a tendency to compare myself to others, well actually to the haves, not the have- nots, and so my life seems lacking, yet it really isn't. Even with my elimination, I will have plenty of food to eat and next week I can go back to my chocolate and bread, but some people in the world's poorest countries would take my simplest, 7 free foods any week.
I also have to admit that I am amazed at how I went from eating when hungry to obsessed about food overnight. I didn't think I would be. I am not a foodie. I am not constantly thinking about food, when I am hungry, I eat, usually what sounds good and don't really give it much thought. Yes, I am someone who can forget to eat, food is not usually a weakness for me, or so I thought. Maybe food is a bigger deal and I just didn't realize it because I always had what I wanted. I have never been without food. I don't know what it is like to go hungry, yes we have struggled to pay bills, but we have never gone hungry and even with my eliminated food choices, I will not go hungry.
So today I have realized that I am rich, not necessarily by American standards, but compared to most of the world, I got it good.
Just some food for thought.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
you can have it all, it is such a lie
Life is a series of choices, but really trade-offs is more like it.
We can't have it all.
It is a lie to think we can.
You can't have it both ways.
And here I sit at a crossroads, there are two ways, I can't have them both.
I am tired of being where I am in life. Now that Lily is in Kindergarten I am ready to go back to working full time. I have applied for a job and may apply for others, but I don't know if this is what I should be doing. My current part time job is a lot of work for little money and no benefits. I feel like I am working for nothing, oh wait I am. Since both kids are in school full time, working full time makes sense now. I am tired of being "poor." I am tired of living on the edge of financial ruin. We don't have any of margin, I know, it happens when you own a business and at the mercy of everyone else.
I realize that working full time would be giving up stuff, time I spend volunteering at my kids' school and seeing my kids during the school day. They love having me there and I know there will be a time when they won't want to see me, so I am grateful to be there now when it matters. I enjoying having lunch with them and their friends, being story reader, teaching lessons on plants, and being there when crisis hits. I was at the school and stayed with Lily and her class when there was a bomb threat and they were outside in the cold for over 30 minutes and then on a bus for an hour. Even though I complain about it, I love that I can be in charge of costumes for the 2nd grade play, I love creating stuff like that. I love being a part of their school life which couldn't happen if I was teaching full time or working anywhere full time.
So there it is, the choice, the trade-off.
I can work full time and have more financial freedom or I can continue to make sacrifices and be there for my kids at school.
I can't have it both ways.
I can't have it all.
But the truth is, the choices are stuff or relationships?
What really matters more money or being with my kids?
It is hard to not get wrapped up in stuff and remember what is really important.
I have been called to love God and love people. I can do that working full time, but I can also do it with the kids in my children's school and that maybe that is what I should be focused on and doing since I am loving my kids and their peers. And if I am really honest here, loving students that aren't mine that I have to see everyday are a lot easier.
I need to remember that I am not pursuing stuff, but relationships and time and that is what really matters and hopefully in the grand scheme of things, that will matter more than the size of my house or bank account.
It is so easy to get focused on the things that don't matter instead of what really does, people, or in my case, kids. So many people have the Bible verse Matthew 6:19-20 memorized, but how many people really live that out?
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
We are to live our lives loving others, not acquiring stuff, though the world is constantly telling us the opposite. Even the church with the prosperity gospel seems to be preaching that we need more and bigger and better. Life is about love and people and community, not stuff and not money. I have this tension in my life between materialism and relationships/time/serving. I want bigger and better, but I feel called to give more. Someone once said being in the tension is good, they must not have been there.
We can't have it all.
It is a lie to think we can.
You can't have it both ways.
And here I sit at a crossroads, there are two ways, I can't have them both.
I am tired of being where I am in life. Now that Lily is in Kindergarten I am ready to go back to working full time. I have applied for a job and may apply for others, but I don't know if this is what I should be doing. My current part time job is a lot of work for little money and no benefits. I feel like I am working for nothing, oh wait I am. Since both kids are in school full time, working full time makes sense now. I am tired of being "poor." I am tired of living on the edge of financial ruin. We don't have any of margin, I know, it happens when you own a business and at the mercy of everyone else.
I realize that working full time would be giving up stuff, time I spend volunteering at my kids' school and seeing my kids during the school day. They love having me there and I know there will be a time when they won't want to see me, so I am grateful to be there now when it matters. I enjoying having lunch with them and their friends, being story reader, teaching lessons on plants, and being there when crisis hits. I was at the school and stayed with Lily and her class when there was a bomb threat and they were outside in the cold for over 30 minutes and then on a bus for an hour. Even though I complain about it, I love that I can be in charge of costumes for the 2nd grade play, I love creating stuff like that. I love being a part of their school life which couldn't happen if I was teaching full time or working anywhere full time.
So there it is, the choice, the trade-off.
I can work full time and have more financial freedom or I can continue to make sacrifices and be there for my kids at school.
I can't have it both ways.
I can't have it all.
But the truth is, the choices are stuff or relationships?
What really matters more money or being with my kids?
It is hard to not get wrapped up in stuff and remember what is really important.
I have been called to love God and love people. I can do that working full time, but I can also do it with the kids in my children's school and that maybe that is what I should be focused on and doing since I am loving my kids and their peers. And if I am really honest here, loving students that aren't mine that I have to see everyday are a lot easier.
I need to remember that I am not pursuing stuff, but relationships and time and that is what really matters and hopefully in the grand scheme of things, that will matter more than the size of my house or bank account.
It is so easy to get focused on the things that don't matter instead of what really does, people, or in my case, kids. So many people have the Bible verse Matthew 6:19-20 memorized, but how many people really live that out?
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
We are to live our lives loving others, not acquiring stuff, though the world is constantly telling us the opposite. Even the church with the prosperity gospel seems to be preaching that we need more and bigger and better. Life is about love and people and community, not stuff and not money. I have this tension in my life between materialism and relationships/time/serving. I want bigger and better, but I feel called to give more. Someone once said being in the tension is good, they must not have been there.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
the calendar says March
but the weather says January.
So we had a snowstorm or a wanna be snowstorm on Monday.
The polar vortex returned with two inches of snow and temperatures in the teens. It came one day after a day in the sixties. My respiratory system is killing me, sore throat in the morning, a cough all day, occasional sinus headache, ick. I am tired to feeling bad. I am tired of sweaters and winter jackets. I am so ready for spring. I am ready for flowers and green grass.
I am tired of hibernating.
I am so ready for change.
Something new.
Something different.
and not just a change in the weather.
Today is the Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent.
The start of something changing I hope.
I am ready for change, for new birth, for new life.
I am so ready.
So we had a snowstorm or a wanna be snowstorm on Monday.
The polar vortex returned with two inches of snow and temperatures in the teens. It came one day after a day in the sixties. My respiratory system is killing me, sore throat in the morning, a cough all day, occasional sinus headache, ick. I am tired to feeling bad. I am tired of sweaters and winter jackets. I am so ready for spring. I am ready for flowers and green grass.
I am tired of hibernating.
I am so ready for change.
Something new.
Something different.
and not just a change in the weather.
Today is the Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent.
The start of something changing I hope.
I am ready for change, for new birth, for new life.
I am so ready.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
a week of warmth
So this past week has felt more like March than February and it has been wonderful. Unfortunately nine inches of snow leaves lots of soupy soil that has made playing outside very limited. It is also a little strange to see piles of snow when we are walking around with just long sleeve shirts. We have taken several walks on the trail, played on the playground, climbed trees, played in the tree house, and anything else that keeps us outside because unfortunately cold weather is returning this week. I can't wait for spring to come, March is almost here, the end of winter is in sight, thank goodness. This has been a long, cold winter and I hate my house in the winter. It feels so small in the winter. In the winter, I fantasize about bigger houses and I have a hard time being content with ours. I love our house, we have been here for almost 10 years. It is very little, but it has a great yard, it is in a great neighborhood, it has a lot of natural light, we have worked so hard in and out and I would hate to leave it. I have quite a few friends who have recently moved to larger homes and part of me is envious, but part of me is not, because I really love our house, it is small, but I haven't come across another house that I would give up this one for yet. I guess I just need to add on to this one that way I can get a new and bigger house but keep what I love about this one. One day, just like one day it will be summer again.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
snow, glorious snow
Of course the weather people were predicting 12-14 inches, maybe 18 inches, but we are happy with our 10 inches of snow.
I can't believe it, it actually snowed and it came down.
So it started snowing yesterday afternoon and snowed all night. Then around noon it started to snow or something frozen and continued all afternoon though I don't think it really added that much more.
So the kids didn't have school yesterday because of impending weather.
The kids didn't have school today since none of the roads had really been plowed this morning and because the roads are still in bad shape, only the primary roads are kind of clear, they are off tomorrow too.
I should say we are off, I do have classes on Thursdays and Fridays.
So we played out in the snow today. We went sledding, we tried to build a snowman, we tried making snow angels, snow forts, etc, the snow wasn't the best for snow creating, but we did what we could with what we had. I wasn't really in a go outside and be cold and wet, but I managed to stay out for an hour this morning and a really long time late this afternoon.
So we got our snow, I am now ready for spring. Bring on the warm temperatures, which we are suppose to get next week! Wahoo! I am done with winter and ready for Spring!
I can't believe it, it actually snowed and it came down.
 |
| we took a walk last night to enjoy the quiet snow covered streets |
So it started snowing yesterday afternoon and snowed all night. Then around noon it started to snow or something frozen and continued all afternoon though I don't think it really added that much more.
So the kids didn't have school yesterday because of impending weather.
The kids didn't have school today since none of the roads had really been plowed this morning and because the roads are still in bad shape, only the primary roads are kind of clear, they are off tomorrow too.
 |
| ready for sledding |
I should say we are off, I do have classes on Thursdays and Fridays.
So we played out in the snow today. We went sledding, we tried to build a snowman, we tried making snow angels, snow forts, etc, the snow wasn't the best for snow creating, but we did what we could with what we had. I wasn't really in a go outside and be cold and wet, but I managed to stay out for an hour this morning and a really long time late this afternoon.
 |
| we saw a bit of blue sky for 30 minutes before the sun went down |
So we got our snow, I am now ready for spring. Bring on the warm temperatures, which we are suppose to get next week! Wahoo! I am done with winter and ready for Spring!
Thursday, February 06, 2014
crying over a book
I don't usually cry while reading books, heck I don't usually cry during movies. I am not usually a crier, yet The Fault in Our Stars had me practically sobbing. I knew when I started it, it was sad/depressing. I assumed that someone was going to die and I tried to prepare myself. I assumed that it was going to be cheesy like Nicholas Spark's A Walk To Remember. I was determined to get sucked in.
Yet I fell, hook, line and sinker.
Hours later, I am still in a bit of a shock.
I need to find a new book to get into, something to get my mind off of this one.
The crazy this is, I can't explain why this book has stuck with me.
Is it because I have thought about death and seen someone die a slow, painful death. I understand about the "Best Day," because I have seen it and experienced and understand what a gift it is?
Is it because I am trying to figure out what is next in my life and I trying to figure out how to make an impact in this life, that I don't want my life to be for nothing?
Is it because I am a sucker for stories of true love?
What is it that has resonated so much with me?
When I read, especially fiction I don't underline or make notes, yet I was tempted because there were some lines that I just didn't want to forget, to let go of:
“But it is the nature of stars to cross, and never was Shakespeare more wrong than when he has Cassius note, ‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
“Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
“the world wasn't made for us, we were made for the world” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
“My cancer is me. The tumors are made of me. They’re made of me as surely as my brain and my heart are made of me. It is a civil war with a predetermined winner”The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
(me the biologist understands this so well how the body rebels against itself so to speak)
“The real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes
are the people NOTICING things, paying attention. The guy who invented the smallpox vaccine didn't actually invent anything. He just noticed that people with cowpox didn't get smallpox.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
(I absolutely love this quote, it is so true, it is such a reminder to be in the moment and not stuck in the past or worrying about the future)
“There's no way of knowing that your last good day is Your Last Good Day. At the time, it is just another good day.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
(you never know when life is going to completely turn upside down)
and the spoiler quote of all times:
Yet I fell, hook, line and sinker.
Hours later, I am still in a bit of a shock.
I need to find a new book to get into, something to get my mind off of this one.
The crazy this is, I can't explain why this book has stuck with me.
Is it because I have thought about death and seen someone die a slow, painful death. I understand about the "Best Day," because I have seen it and experienced and understand what a gift it is?
Is it because I am trying to figure out what is next in my life and I trying to figure out how to make an impact in this life, that I don't want my life to be for nothing?
Is it because I am a sucker for stories of true love?
What is it that has resonated so much with me?
When I read, especially fiction I don't underline or make notes, yet I was tempted because there were some lines that I just didn't want to forget, to let go of:
“But it is the nature of stars to cross, and never was Shakespeare more wrong than when he has Cassius note, ‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
“Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
“the world wasn't made for us, we were made for the world” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
“My cancer is me. The tumors are made of me. They’re made of me as surely as my brain and my heart are made of me. It is a civil war with a predetermined winner”The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
(me the biologist understands this so well how the body rebels against itself so to speak)
“The real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes
are the people NOTICING things, paying attention. The guy who invented the smallpox vaccine didn't actually invent anything. He just noticed that people with cowpox didn't get smallpox.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
(I absolutely love this quote, it is so true, it is such a reminder to be in the moment and not stuck in the past or worrying about the future)
“There's no way of knowing that your last good day is Your Last Good Day. At the time, it is just another good day.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
(you never know when life is going to completely turn upside down)
and the spoiler quote of all times:
“The only person I really wanted to talk to about Augustus Water's death with was Augustus Waters.” The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
For some reason, that line was the line in the book where I completely lost it. Though I have never lost a boyfriend/husband/best friend, I could fully imagine that feeling and how hard that would be. After we lost Charles there have been things that have happened and my first reaction was, I can't wait to tell Charles about this and then I would realize I couldn't.
I haven't ever lost someone I have loved romantically but I have lost several people who meant a whole lot to me and my world fell apart a little when they were gone. I saw how death can slowly take someone away, you get one last good day, and then they are gone for good. I know the empty feeling of loss that comes after death and how you don't always necessarily want to move forward in time and away from them, but yet you have to.
We are not perfect, we are all human, life is full of "great and terrible moments", but this is what we got, we need to notice and pay attention to the bigger picture because in the end love wins.
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
a quiet day
Today was the first Wednesday in weeks that the kids went to school, Jeff went to work, and I have no where to go. It was nice. I changed the sheets on all of the beds and picked up the house. I did 6 loads of laundry and got them put away. I got the pork chops for dinner marinaded. I got bills for the month organized. I worked on my lecture notes for tomorrow. I put on some music really loud and enjoyed the cleaned up living room. I sat down and read my current book and didn't feel guilty just sitting down and reading. Today was kind of a lonely, but it was the quiet day I needed. When I was 16 I never would think that I would get enjoyment out of cleaning and organizing, but I love taking chaos and bringing order to the world, even though it only lasts for an afternoon. Today was uneventful, boring, but good.
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
A battle
There's a battle, unplug or plug in. I want to step away for awhile from social media, at least Facebook and Twitter, I have been sucked into it too much, time to let go. I dont want to leave Pinterest, all my recipes are there, and tomorrow I want to bake bread. I need to find balance and figure out what that looks like. Do I go big or just little baby steps? iPhones and iPads are the best devices and the worst, I get sucked in. I need a vacation, a place where it is easy to be in the moment and not a device.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
