feeling a little lost

I feel a little lost right now, well really lost.
I have no idea what direction to go.
I don't even what to pray for, what to ask for, what to hope for.
I am empty, lost, blank.

I wish I had a magic eight ball right now. 
Wait, let me rephrase, I wish I had a magic eight ball that would be able to answer my questions truthfully not just randomly like how the eight ball works.

Or maybe I would just like a message in the clouds, you know a billboard with a definite message.

Better yet, a map, or a timeline that could give me some insight for the journey ahead.  A way to show me that here is where things change, here is where you should go, some kind of direction.  It would sure be nice to know if I was on the right path and not wandering in the wilderness.

I have no idea what to do.
I am ready to go back to work full time, or at least I think I am.

I am ready for change, but what am I suppose to do?
Maybe this is where I am suppose to be for a bit longer and I shouldn't follow the first path I come to.

I applied for a job a few months ago, I didn't get it, didn't even get interviewed, I was a little disappointed, but I was a little intimidated by the job if I am honest.

I just applied for another job this week.  I made a list of the pros and cons and the pros out weigh the cons, but I don't know if I really want this job either.  My finances would like it, but would I love it? 

I applied for another job today, one that I applied for last year and also didn't get nor did I get an interview.  I don't think I have a chance since I don't have a doctorate, but what the heck, what if this is what I am suppose to do?  But then again, maybe it isn't.  This job is the job that I really wanted a year ago, heck the job I wanted five years ago, the job I would really like, but I don't want to be disappointed so I am trying to hold it at arm's length away.  Then again, maybe this job isn't as great at I think it is, maybe it is a case of the green grass.

I have a job in my head that I would really like to do, but as of right now it doesn't exist.  I would love to be a science educator, write and create curriculum, work at a nature center type of place, a job that I saw an ad for when I was 9 months pregnant with Lance and never seen again unfortunately.  Well actually there are a lot of jobs I think I would love, an event planner, a caterer, a microbiologist, a gardener, but how do I know what to pursue or even how to begin down those paths.

I just don't know what to do, what to want, what to hope for, what to pray for.
I want a job that I love, not dread going to every morning. 
I want to do what is best for my family, what will allow me to be there for my kids.
I want something different than what is happening now.
I don't want to get my hopes up and get crushed again. 
I especially don't want to be stuck doing something I hate, that is no way to live.

I just want a little glimpse of the future.
Am I to stay, continue doing what I am doing and business at our store will continue to improve and I won't have to go back to work full time ever? (highly unlikely)
Am I to work full time at a high school like I did before the kids?
Am I to work full time in a totally different capacity?  middle school? at a grocery store?
Do I apply for a job in the school system that I use to work for even though the school maybe 30 minutes away and I really don't want to commute?

I feel like I am just wandering and don't know what direction to go and I hate it.
I am wandering in the wilderness and don't know which direction to take and it is hard.

Happiness

Happiness seems to be a theme for me this year and not just because "Happy" by Pharrell Williams is our favorite song.  Speaking of the song "happy" how can you not be happy when listening to and dancing to that song?

So as I have noted before, part of the stuff that I am working through is my comparison to others and always seeing what I don't have instead of what I do.  I can easily fall victim into the the trap of thinking that if we had a bigger house or if I had a full time job and more money that I would be happier.   Part of me knows that these things will not make me happy, but part of me believes it will because there are so many people who live this way and seem happy.

A couple of nights ago we began watching the documentary "Happy" on Netflix.  I was blown away at the scientific explanation on what makes us happy.  50% of our happiness is determined by our genes, some people are genetically happier than others and we all have a happiness setpoint.  40% of our happiness is something we can control through exercise, meditation, showing compassion, giving to others, and other activities that involve giving and being a part of a community, basically being the opposite of self absorbed.  That only leaves 10% of our happiness from our circumstances such as our job, our house, our health, and other material things.

Only 10%.

10%, I am blown away.  That is such a small component of our happiness, yet how many people, myself included try to live or believe that our circumstances determine 90% of our happiness?
Part of me knows that volunteering, loving others, showing compassion, giving to others, making the world a better place, etc is what truly makes us happy, yet I fall for the lie that it is stuff.  People with the big houses, good jobs, nice cars, all seem happy, but are they really?  According to this, they probably aren't, or they aren't based on their stuff, they are happy because of what they do outside of themselves.  The documentary also used the hedonic treadmill as an example of how material things will never bring increase happiness forever because a new material object will initially bring us happiness but there is always something nicer, newer, bigger, and we will return to our original setpoint of happiness over time.

Material things don't bring us happiness.  Where have I heard that before?  Hmmm, the Bible maybe and probably other religious texts.

Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless.  Ecclesiastes 5:10 

side note:  if the word "vapor" is substituted for "meaningless" which is a better translation, the book of Ecclesiastes has a lot more meaning especially when you consider that vapor is fleeting.

There are many verses that mention how you can't love both material possession/money and God.  It makes sense.  God is love, and loving God is showing love to others and making the world a better place.  The science of happiness even supports the the Christian beliefs of piety and service, serving others is just as satisfying to our nervous system as other pleasures.  I know the truth, now if I can just live this way I probably can be a lot happier.

I love when faith and science support each other instead of contradict.

7 Fast- Day 3- Dealing with my junk

So today I broke it down and finally did a big grocery store trip to Walmart.  I hate going so I have been putting it off for a week now and today I finally just went.  As I was getting food for this week's menu and food that worked with my fast, all I could see was what I couldn't eat.  I have been so focused these last three days on all the things I can't eat, that I am totally overlooking the things I can eat.  A few of the women in the group are only eating 7 things all week, only 7 things and they are only using salt, pepper, and olive oil to make their food tasty.  It hit me in the dairy section, why am I whining about my 7 missing things, when I have hundreds of other options?
Tonight for dinner we are having turkey burgers, olive oil french fries, baked beans, and macaroni and cheese.  I am lamenting on my lack of bun and fries but I can still eat the beans, macaroni, and the burger itself.  Why is the lack of bun my main focus and not on the fact that I can eat a whole and filling meal, where some of my others friends are eating beans and rice or bland chicken for the third night. 
Focusing on what I don't have and not what I do is something that I am totally guilty of every single day.  I am not a glass full person when it comes to myself and my life, for you I totally am, but not for me.  I realized today that I look at the negatives in my life and do not always celebrate the positives and I don't know how to change that.  I don't know how I got so focused on the negatives and what I don't have especially in comparison to others. Comparison kills, I know that, yet I am stuck in a cycle and can't seem to break the habit. 
I want to be a glass half full kind of person and truly grateful, I am in some areas, but not in a lot of others.  The negatives or the things I lack seem so loud and blaring and the positives so quiet and minuscule.  I need to change, I just don't know how to start.

7 Food Fast- Day 1- I am a spoiled brat

So during this season of Lent I am doing a Bible/book study on Jen Hatmaker's book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.  I read the book last spring, absolutely loved it, tried a few fasts, possessions and spending (no Target for a month!) and jumped at the opportunity to really experience the lessons in the book with others.  What was I thinking?????

So the first week was introduction.  This week is food.  The ideal would be only eating 7 items for a week, but I have young kids, a limited budget and little time and would not be able to make 2 separate dinners each night, so I decided to eliminate 7 items from my diet for a week.  I chose 7 items that I love/ eat regularly and even though I am only 2 meals and 1 snack in, I am hating this.

The 7 items I have eliminated:
- eating out, no restaurant food (not too hard usually)
- chocolate (there goes my chocolate/almond morning granola bar)
- dessert (oh how I crave something sweet)
- bread (my favorite, I love bread, the challenging one)
- sweet breakfast/bakery items (muffins and pancakes)
- french fries (do tater tots count?)
- anything to drink other than water (i.e. the occasional soda that I can crave when I cut out chocolate)

So I am 2 meals down, 19 more meals to go.  I am already grumpy and craving all the things that are on my list.  I am regretting my meal planning because the meals I planned before I knew I was going to fast includes all my favorites.  Not only am I regretting the food choices, I haven't made a real shopping trip in over a week so our food stash is low and the options are sparse especially when you get rid of the regulars i.e. bread.  No rolls, no bread for sandwiches, no bun for hot dogs or turkey burgers, no fun. 

So here I am whining and complaining and missing certain foods.  Wow! What a small little world I live in.  I am cutting out these foods for 1 week.  1 week!  That is 1.92% of a year.  Say if I live to be 80 years old (4,160 weeks), my fasting from my favorites would only be 0.02% of my life, that isn't even half a point!  What a spoiled brat I am.

There are some people who never get to eat fresh out-of-the-oven homemade chocolate chip cookies or a loaf of french bread.  I have a tendency to compare myself to others, well actually to the haves, not the have- nots, and so my life seems lacking, yet it really isn't.  Even with my elimination, I will have plenty of food to eat and next week I can go back to my chocolate and bread, but some people in the world's poorest countries would take my simplest, 7 free foods any week.

I also have to admit that I am amazed at how I went from eating when hungry to obsessed about food overnight.  I didn't think I would be.  I am not a foodie.  I am not constantly thinking about food, when I am hungry, I eat, usually what sounds good and don't really give it much thought.  Yes, I am someone who can forget to eat, food is not usually a weakness for me, or so I thought.  Maybe food is a bigger deal and I just didn't realize it because I always had what I wanted.  I have never been without food.  I don't know what it is like to go hungry, yes we have struggled to pay bills, but we have never gone hungry and even with my eliminated food choices, I will not go hungry.  

So today I have realized that I am rich, not necessarily by American standards, but compared to most of the world, I got it good.

Just some food for thought.

you can have it all, it is such a lie

Life is a series of choices, but really trade-offs is more like it. 
We can't have it all.
It is a lie to think we can.
You can't have it both ways.
And here I sit at a crossroads, there are two ways, I can't have them both. 
I am tired of being where I am in life.  Now that Lily is in Kindergarten I am ready to go back to working full time.  I have applied for a job and may apply for others, but I don't know if this is what I should be doing.  My current part time job is a lot of work for little money and no benefits.  I feel like I am working for nothing, oh wait I am.   Since both kids are in school full time, working full time makes sense now. I am tired of being "poor."  I am tired of living on the edge of financial ruin.  We don't have any of margin, I know, it happens when you own a business and at the mercy of everyone else.

 I realize that working full time would be giving up stuff, time I spend volunteering at my kids' school and seeing my kids during the school day.  They love having me there and I know there will be a time when they won't want to see me, so I am grateful to be there now when it matters.  I enjoying having lunch with them and their friends, being story reader, teaching lessons on plants, and being there when crisis hits.  I was at the school and stayed with Lily and her class when there was a bomb threat and they were outside in the cold for over 30 minutes and then on a bus for an hour.  Even though I complain about it, I love that I can be in charge of costumes for the 2nd grade play, I love creating stuff like that.  I love being a part of their school life which couldn't happen if I was teaching full time or working anywhere full time.

So there it is, the choice, the trade-off.
I can work full time and have more financial freedom or I can continue to make sacrifices and be there for my kids at school.
I can't have it both ways.
I can't have it all.
But the truth is, the choices are stuff or relationships? 
What really matters more money or being with my kids?

It is hard to not get wrapped up in stuff and remember what is really important.
I have been called to love God and love people.  I can do that working full time, but I can also do it with the kids in my children's school and that maybe that is what I should be focused on and doing since I am loving my kids and their peers.  And if I am really honest here, loving students that aren't mine that I have to see everyday are a lot easier.

I need to remember that I am not pursuing stuff, but relationships and time and that is what really matters and hopefully in the grand scheme of things, that will matter more than the size of my house or bank account.

It is so easy to get focused on the things that don't matter instead of what really does, people, or in my case, kids.  So many people have the Bible verse Matthew 6:19-20 memorized, but how many people really live that out?

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

We are to live our lives loving others, not acquiring stuff, though the world is constantly telling us the opposite.  Even the church with the prosperity gospel seems to be preaching that we need more and bigger and better.  Life is about love and people and community, not stuff and not money.  I have this tension in my life between materialism and relationships/time/serving.  I want bigger and better, but I feel called to give more.  Someone once said being in the tension is good, they must not have been there.

wisdom in an unexpected place

I will admit some of the television shows I have watched and enjoyed aren't the most wholesome, one show that I have watched is "Orange is the new Black."  It gets a bit graphic at times, but the story lines of the prisoners is very interesting.  A friend knowing that I have watched the show gave me the book as a Christmas gift.  After struggling through A Very Long Engagement, I wanted an easy read and I thought that would be a good, no fluff read.  I never imagined that it would be so thought provoking.  Now it is no deep read, not like The Alchemist that I just finished recently.  So the other night I was reading it and this little passage really jumped out at me:

"But our current criminal justice system has no provision for restorative justice, in which an offender confronts the damage they have done and tries to make it right to the people they have harmed.  Instead, our justice system of 'corrections' is about arm's-length  revenge and retribution, all day and all night.  Then its overseers wonder why people leave prison more broken than when they went in."

Restorative justice, I have never considered this, wouldn't this bring about more peace into the world?  Revenge doesn't get us anywhere, it doesn't solve anything, it doesn't bring about healing.  Restoration, that brings healing and love, and love wins.  I have heard a hundred times that our justice system is broken and our jails and prisons are overflowing, we need restoration. 

Of course there are the exceptions to the rule, serial killers and/or sociopaths, I don't know if restorative justice would even work, I am not an expert so I can't say whether they can change or not, I just don't know, but restoration seems ideal.  I have no idea how one does this or what this looks like, but it is worth considering and examining.

I wish there was an easy fix, I wish we could break the cycle of poverty and crime and bring about restoration, we are so broken.

Quote from Orange is the New Black: My Year in Women's Prison by Piper Kerman. 

why i love summer

It is cold and there is no snow and no snow in the forecast, what a waste of cold air.
Today I was dreaming of summer, something I do a lot when it is cold and I am cold.  So I tried making a list of why I enjoy summer, and the spring too.

1.  Lightning bugs
They are just magical, a bug that glows in the dark, who would have thought of that, I would never believe it, if I hadn't seen it myself.  Seeing the first ones light up in late spring is my favorite moment every year, noticing that they are gone is very sad sign summer is over.

2. Flip flops, sandals, or really any shoe that doesn't require socks
I love flip flops, I own multiple pairs.  I love shoes that don't require socks.  My feet are always cold so I have to wear socks in the fall and winter so I love being free and close to barefoot in the summer, if not barefoot.

 3.  Swimming
Nothing is more freeing than floating or swimming in water.  I am extremely attracted to water, it is very soothing and calming for me and so floating or swimming in water is perfection.  Yes there are indoor pools one can visit in the winter, but they still can be chilly and the chlorine fumes can be a bit overpowering.  Also, nothing wears kids out faster than swimming. 

4.  Eating outside
I love picnics, cookouts, just eating outside. Some of my favorite restaurants are those who have outside seating.  Yes, I am obsessed with being outside, but eating outside and being comfortable temperature wise is very relaxing and I tend to eat slower and enjoy the food more.

5.   Flowers, leaves, and everything green
I love color and winter is so dull and drab and all so brown.

6.  Summer clothes
shorts, short sleeves, and sundresses, I prefer less clothing to more clothing. I love sundresses and shorts and wearing clothes that are pretty or fun, not functional like I do in winter since it is hard to find pretty things that will also keep me warm.  I also like not having to wear gloves, hats, scarves, and jackets when we got out too.  I totally believe in less is more.

7.  Sleeping with ceiling fan on and occasionally the windows open
I love ceiling fan season, there is something about sleeping with the ceiling fan going, the sound, the feel, the air movement is nice. I generally don't sleep very well in the winter months and sleep much better in the summer.  Also I love sleeping with the windows open when my allergies can handle it, I love night sounds, the bugs, the birds in the early morning, the occasional car, or the ocean when we are close by or the sounds of boats when we are at the lake.

8.  Warm late evenings and cool early mornings
I love that the sun sets late and taking a walk in the magical light of twilight when it is still warm and the bugs are singing and everything just looks beautiful.  We seem to have so much more time in the evenings to do things than in the winter.  Also, I have a hard time getting up early in the winter, but I have no problem getting up early in the summer.  I love to grab a blanket and so sit on the screened in porch first thing in the morning and read.  It starts my day off right and since our porch is on the east side of the house I can watch the sun get higher and higher in the sky. In the winter, the sun doesn't come up until 7-7:30, so I can't enjoy the early morning sun because I am getting ready for work or the kids to school, it is too late to just enjoy it.

9.  The sun, in general
I love the sun straight overhead and bright.  It is sad how the sun never gets very high in the winter, it always seems to be halfway up or halfway down, never just here in the moment.

10.  We look better in the summer
I don't actively tan, but being outside it just happens sometimes that I tan  and I look better with a little color.  Right now my skin is so pale it is practically transparent. I look better in the summer.  My skin has more color, my hair gets a little lighter, and I just feel better.  why yes, I have a touch of seasonal affective disorder!

11.  It is less stressful
The kids are out of school, I am out of school, our schedule is more relaxed, we can go on vacation, we have more flexibility, we have more time (outside time). we can have more fun, life is just good.  There are more free things to do on the weekends when the weather is warm, I hate the park when it is cold.

12.  Alternative forms of transportation are a lot more fun
Riding a bike or walking somewhere is a lot more fun when you don't have to layer up and is good for the environment and our bank account.

13.  Summer foods are better
I love to grill, I like summer salads, and fruit, and your typical summer foods. I prefer lighter foods to heavier comfort foods.  I love spring/summer fruits that are fresh and just picked, strawberries and other berries that we pick or grow ourselves.  Nothing beats fresh corn on the cob from the farmers' market.

14. Thunderstorms or a summer rainstorm
It has rained a lot these last couple of weeks.  I hate a cold rain on a cold day when it is just miserable, but I love a good cooling thunderstorm after a hot day.  There is also nothing like the power of a good thunderstorm, sometimes scary, but usually just exciting and something to watch and enjoy.  Or a summer rainstorm when we can run around in the puddles and get wet without a care, rain boots optional.  Or even the occasional rainy day in the spring and summer that keeps you inside, slowing you down a bit, and the sound at night is soothing and relaxing.  I guess rain sounds better in the spring and summer because it is watering the flowers and other plants so you don't have to where in the winter it is just creating mud and a mess.

15.  Summer sounds
Fireworks or thunder rumbling in the distance, cicadas and other bugs creating unique evening melodies, birds singing, water lapping or waves crashing when in the right location.  Winter is not only void of color, but sound, especially when it has snowed.  One of the things that always amazes me is how quiet everything is when it is snowing.  Whenever it snows we always go for evening walk and I just can't get over how quiet it is, you can hear that white noise of snowflakes falling, something that seems like it would be overpowered by all of the wildlife in the summer.

I know that one day when I am older, if I am not already there, I will be a snowbird who heads south for the winter because my ideal winter temperature is 60 degrees!

dream home project

I would love a new house, a bigger house, we are crammed into these 1358 square feet and I would love space.  A basement or garage.  A kitchen that would allow you to open the fridge and dishwasher at the same time.  A dining room that could hold more than 6, 8 if you are small.  I would love a master bath with two sinks and all the bedrooms on one floor. 
Yet, I love my house.  I love how much natural light there is.  I love the side porch and the flat backyard.  I love our house's location.  This is the house that we brought our kids home from the hospital in.  This is the house that my grandmother and Charles helped us choose and now they are gone.  This is the house that has so many memories good and bad, I would hate to leave. 
So I guess what we need to do is renovate this one. 
Now if I can just find some money. 
Until then I dream.  This summer I started taking pictures of houses that I love so that one day when we can buy, or remodel/renovate, or build I know what I want and love. I did notice that most house that I love are also found near water.

Topsail Island

Clark Lake, Michigan

Surf City, NC

Eastern Shore of Virginia

Or maybe we need to move closer to some water. . .

owning up to your junk

What has been going round and round in my head the last month:

Since I don't live anywhere close to Mars Hill Bible Church in Michigan, I listen to their podcasts and some of them over and over again.  I have learned so much from them over the years.  The current series which focuses on a word a month has been just what I have needed.  December's sermons focused on the word "sorry."  The first "sorry" sermon was about owning up to your junk.  I thought I was pretty good about that.  The purpose of saying we are sorry is to be honest and own up to our junk, yet when you think about it, we don't always, we just shift the blame to someone or something else.
 
The Sorry Examples:

 "I am sorry, but. . ." 
Oh I am so guilty of this.  I will get snippy at Jeff or my mom and then say I am sorry, but then totally blame it on my stress or the kids.  I need to stop and own up to the fact that I was not nice and it was uncalled for and just own it so it can be done.

"I am sorry if. . . " 
You know used as  "I am sorry if I offended you" or "I am sorry if I hurt you."  These apologies are cover your butt apologies, when you don't know if you have hurt someone and need to apology so you kind of apology just in case, yet it means nothing because you aren't take real responsibility for it.  I know I am guilty of saying I am sorry if I hurt you or if I offended you.  I do this with new friendships when I say something that might be offensive, but it isn't necessarily to you or me, but others might take offense.  To be totally honest most of the stuff that I may say or do that would need this apology is probably judgmental and should not be said to begin with. 

"I am sorry you. . "
"I am sorry you feel that way,"  how many times have I  heard that?  I wonder how many times I am guilty of it, I can only think of the times that it has been said to me.  I can remember the times this apology has been given to me because it doesn't improve the relationship, it makes the one hurt feel worse.   When we say this we are basically telling the other person that they are the problem and that is just awful.   I know how this breaks down the relationships further.  I remember one time wanting to own up to my junk and fixing a broken relationship.  Like all broken relationships, both parties are to blame and I remember apologizing and saying how sorry I was for things I had done to hurt them. I specifically remember the other person saying they were sorry I took things the way I did, or were offended by what they said, hey basically said it was all my fault.  I will take blame for a lot of things, but not everything.  I think of all the "I am sorry" excuses this one is the worse and I hope that I will remember the hurt when the blame just gets shifted back to you.

There were others, but those three were the ones that I need to work on and be more mindful of.  I want to take responsibility for my junk, I am not perfect, and I am going to screw up, but I want to repair and grow relationships and not create more distance.  We can't move on until we deal with our junk and I want to deal with stuff now not any later.  How can I expect to be forgiven if I haven't owned up to what I have done?

new year day 1

I usually clean up the Christmas stuff 3 days after Christmas, but since our tree was not dead aka a fire hazard we left it up until today.  So from 9 am until 2 pm I undecorated the house and put everything back in the attic storage.  The frustrating thing is that just when I got all the boxes neatly arranged in our little space I went downstairs and kept finding ornaments, or hooks, so just little things that need to be in a box that is the farthest from the attic door.  I am glad that I waiting until today when Jeff was here to help me haul the boxes up and down and pack everything up.  The Christmas decor is packed away neater than it has ever been and I even thought to make sure to make sure that the Easter decorations were closest to the door so I don't have to do any major rearranging in a couple of months.  So today I am thankful for a clean slate in our living room.  I do love our living room once the tree and Christmas stuff is gone because the room is twice as big.  I don't believe in having a buying a tree that fits our small space, I buy the biggest one that can fit in our house and then complain about the lack of space for three weeks.  So the living room is neat and tidy, unfortunately the rest of the house hasn't caught up, but it will, eventually.
After cleaning up we took the kids on a bike ride.  Despite it being a bit chilly, it was so nice to get out of the house and do something.  If I could go back in time and talk to myself 10 years ago I don't think my 25 year old self would believe that I would willingly go bike riding in 45 degree weather.   Before kids getting fresh air wasn't such a big deal to me, now I can't live without getting outside if even for 20 minutes despite the cold weather.  I am proud of myself, I am way more willing to go outside than I was even 4 years ago and I hope that I will continue to put on my "big girl pants" as I like to say and get outside. 
So 2014 is my year of gratitude.  I am so thankful for my home, even though it is small, it is ours, it is relatively warm and has a lot of love in it.  I am thankful for fresh air and the energy to do something. I am thankful for time off from work and school that we can be together.  I am thankful that I have made it another year. 
So today was good, tomorrow it is suppose to rain and Friday the high is less than 30 degrees and windy, let's see if my gratitude can make it through to the weekend!

free time, what do I do with that

The class I taught is over, my other job's work project is complete, the kids are still in school, my online summer class I am taking hasn't started yet, and I have time, lots of it in fact and I don't know what to do with myself.  It is weird not having something I need to do, well there is always laundry and household chores, but not having a project to complete, or papers to grade, or something hanging over my head is really weird, I don't know what to do.
I have been using my free time outside improving our yard, but I can only do so much in a day and it has been raining a lot.
Last Monday I convinced Jeff to help me dig up one of the flower beds that was in desperate need of TLC, after three hours or digging and pulling and two trips of the garden supply store the flower bed looks good, but it is not complete, we still need another bag of mulch. 
This morning I tackled another flower bed all by myself and I think I am not going to be able to move tomorrow, it was hard work, digging, and pulling.  My fingers ache just typing.  Crab grass (what I didn't want) had gotten all in the monkey grass (what I wanted), tree of heaven saplings were coming up along side the trunks of the azaleas and ivy was trying to invade here and there.  I got everything cleared out and tomorrow hopefully I can get some mulch put down and an azalea replaced.  I love the flower beds in our yard, but I also hate them because they are so much work, I really shouldn't say that since we have lived in our house for 8 years and this is only the second year I have actually tried to make the beds look nice, like really tried. 
But here I sit, Lance will be home in an hour, Lily is taking a nap, my body is exhausted and sore from 3 hours of yard work, the kitchen is clean, the beds are made, the living room spotless, and I don't know what to do.  It is kind of nice, but kind of note, I have learned that I like being busy, I get more done when busy. 
All this has lead me to the realization that I place my worth as a person in what I do,  if I am not doing something I am not worth anything.  I can't just sit around and relax, I feel like I have to be doing something, but yet I want to sit and do nothing. 
Since I have nothing I have to do, I guess I will organize something. . .

the mundane

Sometimes I am surprised by how much I love working part-time and staying at home with my kids.  I don't love the lack of money sometimes, but then again, do I really need more stuff? and then there is the whole battle with materialism,but that is a whole other story for another day. 
I can't have it all: I can't stay at home with my kids and have lots of disposable income and lots of stuff, and a big house.  Speaking of house, I would love a bigger house, but a bigger house would mean more money and in order to have more money I would need to work more so if I worked more for the house, would I even have time to enjoy my bigger house because I was busy at work?  You know it is ridiculous, how the more time you spend at home the less money you probably have and the smaller house you own and  you probably could use a bigger house since you are home a lot, but a bigger house would require more income, which would mean more time at work which would mean less time at said house which would probably negate the necessity of having the bigger house.  Did that make any sense?
So a total Catch-22.  Basically we always want what we don't have and when we work towards what we want we usually don't necessarily want it anymore because we realized how good we have it.
I digress.
I love being a domestic engineer, I really do.
I like cooking dinner for my family, I like cleaning, now that I have laundry under control, I like laundry, I like grocery shopping and meal planning, I like organizing, I like playing, I like being at home.  I wish there were some more hours in the day because there is so much stuff to do and not enough time, but I am content with life.
I will have to admit part of my contentment comes from Lance being in Kindergarten most of the day so I only have one kid at home, but over Christmas break after we got into a routine I enjoyed having him back to being home all the time and was sad he had to return to all day Kindergarten.
I had a realization last night while reading: right now I am my kids' best friend, in a couple of years (hopefully more than just a couple) I won't be.  I will be replaced by their peers.  This realization made me realize that these few years are precious, and fleeting, and I can't get them back.  I need to be in the moment with them, I need to make sure that I am not too busy on things that don't matter even when I am tired.  I will admit sometimes it is easier to sit in a chair and read twitter while my kids play in the sandbox, but I am missing out, I am losing that precious moment.  Sometimes I get bored or I am just tired, but I need to snap out of it, life is moving at warp speed and I don't want to miss it.  I was reminded to stay engaged, to live in the moment, because the moment will be over before I know it.  I was reminded to not take the easy road such as my kids \ watch a video on the ipad while I am fixing dinner, I need them to help me fix dinner even if it will be harder, slower, and messy.    So today is Saturday, I will try and be in the moment though it is hard, sometimes I just want a break, I also have stuff to do, school work and it is hard to find time, to find balance, but I have to remember, life is "hebel", vapor, fleeting. (Ecclesiastes 1:2).  Sometimes we can just go through life in a fog and then a light turns on and we see what really matters.  I hope that my wake up call, my fog light will stay on and I can daily be reminded to be engaged because I only have one shot and I don't want to blow it.

rhythm

Winter break is over with and we have found our rhythm.  I like schedules and routine and rhythm.
Mondays- everyone school, my long work day
Tuesday- Lily and I off, small group, grocery shopping
Wednesday- everyone school, volunteer at lance's school, pick up living room
Thursday- Lily and I's day of staying at home, bathroom cleaning, laundry, we pick up lance from school and go to the library for the late afternoon
Friday- everyone goes to school, my morning for Target or other errands, homemade pizza night and movie
Saturday- day off, no plans, change the sheets on the beds and any lingering laundry and the fish aquarium cleaning day
Sunday- family day, we usually have a Panera breakfast and do something outside or out-of-town
so now that I have mentioned our routine it is going to get thrown off, until then, I will enjoy my new found rhythm and routine which has helped me to keep up with up with the chores that can get overwhelming, i.e. laundry and meal planning.  I would like my routine to get thrown off because of a snow day, though I doubt that it going to happen anytime.
The only change I sometimes change is not grocery shopping on Tuesday but earlier since Tuesdays are senior citizen discount day and the WORST day to go to Kroger.  
So life is good and I enjoy our schedule, it works for us. I should note as part of my routine I try and be electronics, mainly phone free from 4-6 pm every day, though there have been slip ups, I have been doing pretty good and come 8 pm I don't even know where my phone is which is good, because I can get sucked into words with friends, pinterest, among many other apps and websites. 

walk don't run

Why is there not enough time in the day? 
I know why. . .
because I run and don't walk.
I was reminded of this last night as I sat in the Paramount and listened to Rob Bell's stories during his Fit to Smash Ice Tour.
I seem to have a short attention span these days, I can barely make it through 1 hour and 45 minutes of church, but last night, Rob Bell's talk that was a hair under 2 hours was too short, I could have stayed all night.
I can't begin to explain how amazing his gift for speaking is and how he can use simple stories, parables really, to reveal the heart of God.
He is very controversial, many people strongly dislike him, especially after his Love Wins book.  In fact a few individuals were heckling people who were coming to the event and passing out tracts and trying to convert them, it is sad that how these individuals don't understand love.  In contrast, everyone in the theater for the tour was very friendly, polite, it was kind of weird being around so many genuinely friendly, nice people.  So it is kind of ironic, if Rob Bell and his followers are "evil" and the hecklers and anti- Rob Bell people are holy, then why were the "evil" ones so much nicer and genuine than the "holy" Christians who think Rob Bell is a false prophet? 
I was reminded of so much last night, it was so refreshing and amazing.

Here's what I don't want to forget:
-failure is not final

- control is an illusion

-walk don't run

-a lamp only illuminates the next step
-the sabbath is important it reminds us that we are to be a human being not a human doing and that our worth is not in our doing
- to forgive is to give up the right to revenge, to drop the jawbone
-our greatest fear is that we will be exposed, and that grace frees us to embrace our shadows and that God will embrace us because the poor in spirit are those that don't have it all together
- your job is to be you and not caught up into who we aren't because there will always be someone better, smarter, faster, richer, etc.
-find your gorilla mask, find your one move and just own it
-we don't want to end up before God one day and him say "Why were you not more like _______ (fill in your name)
-there are burning bushes all around
so though it may not make sense to anyone except those who were there, I hope to remember what I learned so it won't go in one ear and out the other

Last night was kind of like a revival, a hipster kind of revival I suppose, but it revived this soul who has been rushing through life who hasn't stopped to see the burning bushes all around.

P.S. because the friends we went with know him we got to meet him, have our picture taken, and talk for a few minutes, very cool!

in the moment

Monday night we were watching some old videos of Lily as a baby and Lance as a 2 year old and I was saddened by how quickly they grow up, but actually I was more shocked by how much I had forgotten.  I had forgotten how Lily did a crab scoot and never really crawled in the traditional on all four sense.   I had forgotten how not only did Lance not talk, he didn't even try.   I forgot how darn cute Lily was (she still is, but she was baby cute with no hair and round cheeks) and how chubby she was, she is skinny mini now.
Monday, I spent way too much time trying to update quicken and on most days I am guilty of cleaning the house, working on school work or work, and other stuff and not in the moment with my kids.  I skimmed a blog post that someone posted about homeschooling blind spots and I was challenged to make sure that I am in the moment with my children.  It is kind of ironic that a homeschooling article would challenge me, but it did.  It reminded me what was important and what to focus on.  I tried yesterday and it wasn't always easy, the living room was messy and was calling to me, but we played Frisbee, the kitchen needed cleaning, but Lily and I took her baby for a walk, yesterday I struggled, but succeed, but it is a new challenge every day and hopefully I won't forget and can continue to be in the moment and cultivate a loving relationship with my children and not just the their driver and possibly dictator (of bedtime and schedules).

Labor Day

Labor Day, the unofficial last day of summer.
One of the more depressing days of the year.
I prefer Memorial Day, with the promise of summer, of new beginnings, with the daylight still increasing, with temperatures increasing, with vacations to countdown to, and things to look forward to.
Even though this summer was non-existent and far from spectacular, I still enjoyed it.
Summer seemed to fly by, but I guess that is what happens when you are in school every day for 7 weeks then vacation for one then back to work two weeks after that.
Even with Gram's passing and quite a few colds and illness, it wasn't horrible, I guess I just deal with things better when I can go lay in the sun at the pool.
Our house feels bigger in the summertime not all closed in and claustrophobic.
It is easier to get up in the morning since it isn't freezing cold and I prefer wearing less than more any day.

And then there is the beach, I love the beach and it just isn't the same when it is in the upper 70's compared to the upper 80's.

There are fun things to do in the fall and things I am looking forward to, I am just going to miss warm summer nights catching lightning bugs when it stays light until almost 8. I dread the days when darkness comes at 5

Looking back this summer, well at least August unlike a lot of the country was not very HOT, we didn't get a lot of pool use these last couple of weeks because it just wasn't hot enough.

But it is nice to be able to go outside with jackets and accessories.
And now that we are in the routine of school, life seems complicated, I miss summer already.
It doesn't help that this week the first week of unofficial fall will have highs in the upper 60's and lower 70's and be rainy so we will be banished to the house, but hopefully summer temperatures will return so we can have a proper goodbye.
I curse myself for complaining about the humidity yesterday, it was very warm and humid and come January 15th, I will long for that weather again.
So today we say good-bye to beach vacations, the pool, mosquitoes and gnats (yay!), playing outside until 8pm in the light, catching lightning bugs, weeknight adventures, the splashground/spraypark, hot and humid weather, warm early mornings spent on the porch, ceiling fans, the smell of rain and fresh cut grass, green leaves on the trees that provide much needed shade, fresh produce from the market, the constant roar of cicadas, and all the little things I take for granted, but miss terribly when they are gone.
I will look forward to pumpkins, apples, Halloween, hikes in the mountains with leaves of various shades, but I will look forward to next Memorial Day with the promise of an amazing summer ahead.
As I sit here on my porch, I am trying to take it all in so come February when I feel trapped inside I can have something to look forward. I can try and remember the purple and pink sky from the sun rising giving everything a pinkish tint (I have a hard time getting up early in the winter so I don't often see the sunrise like I do in summer). I want to remember the sound of the birds chatting in the trees and the cicadas droning on and on. The sound of distant cars driving pass by our neighborhood and occasionally down our street, it sounds different in the now then it will in a couple of hours when cars will be constantly coming and going. I will try and remember how the humid air seems thick, like you could swim or float through it and how the coolness is passing, not lingering all day.
Good-bye summer, don't stay gone forever.

seasons

we had a playdate at a friend's house yesterday and they have the play set of all play set and so the kids of course wanted to go outside and play so we did and it was so strange.
It is August and it was hot like August, but there was no humidity so it felt like fall, and it was nice and it got me excited for fall (the strange part).
I hate winter, so I say I love summer, but really I think I love all seasons except winter though Christmas is fun.
Yesterday was apple orchard weather, it was dry, but warm and felt like summer time and got me kind of excited about Fall. I guess now that our beach trip is over with I am ready to move on so it will be summer again and have a beach trip to look forward to. I started thinking about all the nice things Fall has, trips to the apple orchards, hiking in the mountains when the leaves are all different colors, going to the pumpkin patch and carving pumpkins, and going to corn mazes and other fall festivals, sounds like fun.
Then I burst the bubble by thinking about having to wear long sleeves and long pants, I love summer dresses.
Cold weather and losing daylight, I love the warm, summer evenings, when it stays light past 8 instead of 5 or 6 like in the winter.
So like everything in life, there is good with the bad and nothing seems to be fully one or the other.
It is suppose to be cool for these next few days so when it gets hot and humid again next week (assuming it will be), I will enjoy both and appreciate the last remaining days of summer before the cool weather and dark nights chase the fireflies away until next summer.

1.5 weeks left

before Lance goes to Kindergarten!
I am excited for him and sad and everything all rolled up into one.
Lance is going to public school which is ironic because 5 years ago I would have never considered it, but now it is our best option.
I had wanted to homeschool, because I wanted to protect Lance from the children that would be bad influences on him and might hurt him and for him to learn efficiently because the material can be covered in a lot less time, but Lance and I just don't work well together. Doing speech homework or working on workbooks is a struggle and a fight, it is pulling teeth and one of us gets mad at the other and it is just not effective. Then there is his speech delay and possible learning disabilities that are a struggle. No one has been able to figure out how he learns and what problems he may have and is he is just learns differently and he needs different teaching strategies that I just do not have. And then he is just so darn social, it would kill him to not go to school because he just loves people, this summer has been rough for him in the weeks that he didn't have summer camp or many playdates, I can't blame him, he gets it from me. So I have realized over the past two years that homeschooling is not an option for Lance, or myself. Yes there are co-ops that meet once a week for extra lessons, but once a week is not enough for Lance, he really is ready for all day school, though I am not ready for him to be.
I considered for awhile private school, but looking at the prices, over $500 a month, that is too much money to be spending on education when we are barely making it, have to pay for college one day, and do not have any savings, yes we could borrow money, but I don't want more debt. Then there is some consideration that a small percentage of the children that are in private school (usually the upper grades) are the very kids I am afraid of in the public school. The kids that get the boot from public school or so out of control that their parents send them to private school to hopefully get them away from the bad influences or reform them. I know of countless people who have sent their kids to a private, Christian school in town after their child was expelled from public school or gotten in trouble or is out of control in hopes of reforming them. And also with private school, the special ed services for students is non-existent or can't compare to public school so why pay tuition for a school that might not even be able to even help Lance because of lack of special education services?
So after ruling out homeschooling and private school, public was the only option left. Fortunately we live in the school zone for a very nice, small elementary school that is in competition for students of a very nice private school. I am not looking forward to the upper crust snobbery of the school, but I am thankful for it being small with great teachers and students (I went there and I turned out fine).
So how to school your children is another one of those choices of motherhood that are often judged just like vaccines, breastfeeding, and natural childbirth, and I am going against the flow that many I know are. Some may think I am throwing Lance in the lion den, but it would be far worse if I tried to homeschool him because he probably would not learn anything and hate me, so I am making the best decision for all of us, but it is hard knowing that some people would judge me for it. I ran into a woman a few weeks ago, she homeschools, but she admitted to me she wasn't very good at it and her middle child is extremely social and craves social groups and I thought, are you really helping your children? Are you really protecting them or giving them the best when you admit you don't think you are doing a good job and one of your children is lacking what she needs? Is private or public school really that evil or is it just the pressure of everyone else? Which reminds me, why do people pressure other people when their choices are unlike their own? Homeschooling is HUGE around here and it seems like EVERYONE does it, but does that really make it the best?

transitions

this summer seems to be the summers of good-byes, summer of transitions.
some fun:


like lily transitioning to a big girl bed and saying good-bye to the last of babyhood.
which is exciting, but still a little sad.












lance graduating from preschool and will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks













saying good-bye to Gram, losing my last grandmother.
finishing graduate school classes and now looking for a job.
and now, a change to my first job.
The owner of the restaurant where I got my first job, and still work there occasionally just sold the business. This place has been my safety net, I knew that if things ever got bad, I could always pick up some hours there or go back to work full time there, now with a new owner I don't know what is going to happen. I am excited for the owner since she will have more time for herself and her family, but sad that another chapter is coming to an end. I am forever indebted to her for hiring me, teaching me so much, and giving me so much more over the years. I wish I could find the words to describe what this place means to me, I have met so many people through the store and have so many memories. Once again, another transition that is bittersweet.
So many changes, life is definitely not stagnant.

memories

This beach trip has been a lot of fun, but there have been quite a few sad moments as well. Last year when we were at the beach, Charles and Gram were still alive and though they both did not have life was not ideal, they were around and now both of them are gone. I never thought that we would lose both of them in a year, I kind of thought somehow Gram would outlast us all. Even though Gram has been "gone" for years since her memory has been gone and she wasn't herself, she was still there, like she always was, a constant, and having her around made Pop seem not so far away, I always felt that he knew what was going on through her. Losing Charles though was much harder, though he never was technically my father, he was around a lot longer than my own. I even have picked up a few Charles characteristics/behaviors from him, some good, some bad, but he rubbed off on me through the years, which is ironic because when I was in high school that would be the last thing I would have wanted.
What bring back the sadness and loss the most though, is Lance's new desire to fish. We went out on the pier Tuesday night and Lance decided he wanted to fish and he wanted a fishing pole. If Charles was here and he would have taken Lance out and fished with him and showed him everything there was to fish, he would have even bought him a fishing pole. It makes me sad knowing what Lance is missing. It also makes me sad that my mom doesn't have someone to grow old with or enjoy retirement with. There area also the stories, seeing the shark, the dragonfly in the house, the people, all the stories that he would enjoy, but he isn't around to tell. It is sad. I miss him. So though we are having a good time, there are small pauses where I think back on the last year and remember what is missing. I guess I need to get Lance and fishing pole and learn to fish to make Charles proud.