apple fun

This afternoon Lance, my mom, and I took a little adventure and went to an orchard having a festival. It was a lot of fun. It was such a beautiful day, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. We took the hay ride to the corn maze. Lance was a little apprehensive about the ride but he seemed to enjoy it and looked all around.

At the end of the hay ride was a corn maze, I have always wanted to do one so we did. I was a little disappointed at first because the corn wasn't very tall, but then I realized we were only walking around one-third of the maze and we got in thicker, taller corn and it was a lot of fun.

We completed the corn maze and picked out our prize, a pumpkin from the field. We bought some apples, white pumpkins, and funnel cake.



It was so nice to be outside enjoying the cool weather and the beautiful scenery. It was refreshing after the last couple of days when I have been pretty down.

So Lance is weaned, we did it. Last night we let him cry it out at like 3:30 and fortunately he went back to sleep, unfortunately he was up at 6:50 for the day which is still a little earlier than what I think is ideal, but hopefully he will get better at sleeping later. This morning I also got my hair cut and colored, I am a little unsure of the cut and color, but I am sure it will grow on me, I always am unsure when I first do something drastic.

this is a lot harder on me than it is on him

I didn't think this was going to be such a big deal to me, I thought it was going to be a big deal to him. I thought I would feel liberated and free, instead I feel like something is missing. I never imagined that I would be weaning at 17 months, I didn't even think I was going to make it through the first month, let alone past a year. A year was my goal and I surpassed it. I don't know how much is me being upset because it is an end to babyness or how much is hormones. Last night I was miserable and all I have to say is, I don't know how women wean when they babies consume more than 2 meager feedings, ouch! Jeff unfortunately provides no sympathy or compassion, he is all happy we are really over the baby phase, but we will see in a couple of days. The past two days Lance has gotten up at 6 and since we aren't nursing he hasn't been going back to sleep and we have been getting up earlier than we would like. So hopefully the hormones will subside, I will stop hurting, and will rejoice in my new freedom, until then I am wallowing in self-pity.
Today Lance has found a hiding place between the cabinet in the dining room and the wall, he can scoot so you can't seem him from some angles. He also is on the verge of talking. He talks a whole lots, conversations and conversations, unfortunately we don't know what he is talking about. Jeff is expecting for any day now for Lance to just start talking in sentences, I try to explain it won't happen like that, but some days I even believe it. I also have a dentist appointment this morning, not fun, I hate the dentist, the scraping, ahhhh, and I am also paranoid they are going to find something wrong. My mom just had gum surgery and that makes me shudder to think one day I might need that done too, why are teeth so hard to take are of? Before their were dentists weren't teeth able to stand the test of time? I am still trying to organize and rearrange the playroom. We have way too much stuff and no storage. I hate to get rid of some things because we might need it one day, but until then where do I store it? Jeff went camping on Sunday and his camping gear needs a home since I filled the closet it was all in with other stuff. Some days I wish money really did grow on trees. I could really use an "easy" button about now.

24 hours into operation weaning

We have made it over 24 hours, so far, so good. Lance last nursed Wednesday at 5 in the morning, but it was only half of the norm, so it has been 36 hours since a real nursing session. I was worried about last night, but he did better than I did. We had a bath after Jeff left for a meeting then we went to my mom's house to entertain him during his normal 7-8 want to nurse time. He was doing fine until one of her cats hissed at him and he was rooting around so we decided to head home to change the scenery. We got home read some books, drank a sippy cup of milk, cuddled, and when he started acting like he was getting ready to doze off I moved him to his bed. I was ready to give in if he put up a fight, but he didn't. After I put him in bed I broke down crying. Weaning was for me, the last "baby" thing to give up. Now that I think about it, diapers probably will be, but I was sad that Lance isn't my little baby anymore. For the last 17 months we have been breastfeeding, and though it wasn't always fun or comfortable, it was our little downtime, our time to relax. I am still a little sad this morning, but relieved it wasn't a difficult process, I guess he was ready. I kind of feel like I did on his 1st birthday, excited he is getting to be a boy, but sad he isn't a baby anymore. So I didn't sleep well last night because I was expecting him to wake up and want to nurse. Once again, I didn't think I could put up a fight, but it didn't come to that. Even though I was up at 3, 4, and 5 listening and anticipating his cries, he slept. He did wake up at 6 and I got him out of bed, but I just held him and once again gave him some milk in a sippy cup. He didn't go back to sleep, but he didn't flip out because I wasn't nursing him. He did want to nurse after we got up and before he had breakfast, but now that we have eaten he seems pretty content. Now it has only been one day, but it is not as hard as I thought. Even though I question my decision and wonder if this is the right one, with him not putting up much of a fight it seems he is making the decision for me.

rearrange, then arrange some more

Yesterday I wanted to arrange the playroom/guest room so it worked a little better, felt cozier, wasn't so messy, etc. I rearranged and rearranged and after having the futon on every wall I moved it back to where it was. It is so hard trying to get that room so it can be workable for all of the many purposes it has. One of the problems I encountered was my very large bookcase, I didn't like it where it was, but I also don't like it where I have it, I do use it for books, I just can't figure out where it looks best. After much trying to figure it all out, I realized that I need to switch some things around. The rocking chair that doesn't really go anywhere should go up in Lance's room and the rocking chair that is there should go back to mom's for storage. I also decided to switch out side tables. I love my house, I just wish we had a bit more storage room because we are maxed out and things get messy pretty fast. So I am doing some fall cleaning and organizing and hopefully will simplify my living area to keep it easy to clean, but also functional.
On a totally random note, I am done with breastfeeding, the only problem is Lance doesn't know it yet. Last night when he got up at 5 while I was feeding him he bit me and right then and there I decided that was the last feeding he was getting from me. That makes two kind of three bites in about two weeks. I don't know how this is going to go, but I had hoped that Lance would just quit on his own, but it hasn't and I am tired to hurting. I feel bad because I know it is a comfort to him and I would like to think it still helps because he still gets good stuff, but I just think it is time. I know 17 months to some isn't that long, but I wanted to be done by 18 months. So who knows if I will be able to hold out, but I am putting forth a good try, my biggest obstacle might not be Lance, but Jeff. When Lance is up in the middle of the night it is Jeff who tells me to feed Lance so we can all go back to sleep. So it is me against the boys, man, that sounds so evil. It is extremely rough on lance I know I will give in, but let's see what happens!

what have I got myself into?

So the house was a mess, laundry needs to be done, playroom picked up, living room picked up, dining room floor mopped, and what am I doing? Rearranging the playroom. It is always a mess and it doesn't seem to really work the way I want it to, something bothers me, but I don't know what. I think it might be all of the square furniture in the square room, but nothing quite works right because every wall has a door or window. So far I have moved the futon, but I don't like where it is and it is too crowded where it is going right now. I hope I can get it done before Lance gets up from nap or it will never get done and there are many dangerous things all over the floor so it is back to moving and sneezing, i don't know where this dust is coming from.

the firehouse is looking mighty good right now

We are at one full week of yucky nose and buckets of drool without an end in sight. Saturday Lance did not sleep, he was up about every two hours and he was pretty grumpy most of Sunday probably from being up half the night. Last night he slept better, since Jeff was out camping, Lance slept in bed with me and when he started to cry I would just rub his foot and he would stop and go back to sleep. You know your kid might have a problem when they hand you the dimetapp and quarter teaspoon. Lance really likes the cold medicine, so much so, he hands it to me. I did not give him any because I thought he was doing better, but I realize now it was so early to make that judgement call. Since Jeff was gone Lance came with me this morning to small group. I was hoping he would go downstairs with the babysitter, but unfortunately, he wasn't going for that, I wasn't surprised because I don't think he feels that great, but I was still hoping to have some time to myself. Lance was quite a pain this morning and I really wished I had just stayed at home, he was getting into everything, throwing a temper tantrum, and just not a happy camper. I am frustrated because I feel like a lousy parent since I can't leave Lance with a babysitter and in the near future I wish probably stay at home instead of going to group. Lance was in quite a bad mood and as our little joke, "the firehouse was looking mighty good about now." I hope that a good nap will cure the grump and maybe an afternoon at the park so we can enjoy the last warm days before it gets cold. I have mixed feelings about the weather turning, I prefer warm to cold, but if it is snowing, I am in heaven.

i love naptime

I know why God created nap time for children, so mom's can keep their sanity. Lance right now is Godzilla and I am amazed by how much the kid can destroy in no time. Despite spending most of Thursday, cleaning up, the house is a mess again, but thanks to a good nap, we have the kitchen, living room, and dining room in good shape. I can't vacuum yet because I don't want the kiddo to wake up quite yet. I love the alone time that I get with nap time and it will be a sad day when he doesn't need an afternoon nap, maybe we will have stay in your room for two hours and read when that day comes. Until then, I am enjoying the quiet and peaceful house, that is picked up!

you never really know what is going on

Right now life isn't exactly how I want it to be or how I envisioned it and it is very easy to get bummed about it, especially when I hear of other people complaining about their situations when they have what I want or their problems aren't nearly as bad as what I am dealing with. I know that someone out there would probably feel the same way about me complaining about not being content with my life because they would love to have what I do, but it is still hard. I know that though we have no financial security I do have a beautiful baby and a husband who loves me which is more than some people have, but I just wish I could have . I look at other people and they seem to have everything and get whatever they desire, but after getting real with a few people this week, I realized that might not be the case with most people. Also, the people that I see that everything or just a lot of some things, they might not be any happier than me. I am very happy with life right now, I love staying home and hanging out with Lance, I love the business, I love my house, it is just that I let the lack of money and lack of control to fix the situation get blown out of proportion. I am terrified that everything is going to get taken away. This week my eyes have been opened to how things aren't always greener, and I am thankful for those people who have opened up and explained what life is like. For those people who are real with me, thanks, you have me how blessed I am, but also you have shown me how things aren't always what they appear because you never really know what is going on. What looks one way on the outside is something very different on the inside. I am queen of believing what I am seeing because I try to be real, not pretend I am something I am not, and I have a hard time with people who put up a front. After my conversations this week, I could easily get envious and wish my situation was different, but I have learned that things aren't always what they first appear. For example, my friend A, looking at her life it seems perfect, she has a gorgeous large house, a husband who financially supports her, she is able to stay at home without major financial downfall, and two great little boys, but sometimes she hates her life. I am shocked to hear that she isn't loving life, but A did have to move away from friends and farther away from family for her husband's job which keeps him away a lot, and staying at home in a unfamiliar town can be very lonely when you don't know many people, not to mention trying to get unpacked when you have two small children who need your attention every moment is close to impossible. I love A, she is an awesome friend and I am envious of her financial security and house and her small woes about paying for clothes when we can barely pay the mortgage, but I am thankful that my husband doesn't have to go away on business every week and I am extremely close to my mom. I admire A so much because I don't know how she does it, it is so stressful moving and not knowing where everything is and not knowing anyone in town, and having no escape from the kids. Hanging out with her helped me realize that though she has some things I don't have, there are some things that I do have, and I am not trying to put her down, but no one really has it all. Another friend, B, she also doesn't have to work and her husband is in another state so she is totally free to do what she wants, he doesn't get on her for talking to her mom, or not getting the house clean when he comes home, but on the other side, she is separated from her husband and they have a whole other set of issues. After looking at life I realize that finances are what I am envious of. I am envious of people who can spend money freely without having to worry will there be enough. I am envious of people whose husbands don't have "real" jobs, but still can pay the bills and have extra money. I am envious of everyone out there who has more than 2.07 in their bank account. So I am totally stressing about our finances because I am trying to get organized with Quicken and trying to figure out how we can be better at tithing, saving, and spending in general and it makes me ill to see our financial situation, so I get frustrated and wish I had someone else's life, but learning what I did this week, I realized I have it relatively easy and I need to be thankful for what I do have and stop whining. I know in my head that God has a plan for me, I just need to get that in my heart. I know that we will make in financially, I just need to trust that it will happen. Looking at our finances, we haven't been as good stewards as I thought we were being and I hope to be able to do better in the future. Well on to a not so serious note: I updated my other posts with pics that went with them and I have lots of pictures for today's post. Lance has been showering with one of us in the morning. This morning Lance

was with daddy and they came up from the bathroom sporting matching towels wrapped

around their waists. Lance's towel is a hand towel and right after the last picture he ripped it off and danced around naked. I can't get over how he looks so much like a boy and less like a baby everyday.










We went to open the store today so Jeff could work a little longer at the his first job and we could receive an early shipment. Lance likes the bike shop next door a lot more than our store, every chance he got he would run next door and play with all of their inventory. He also threw lots of food on the floor for Iris, the dog to eat, she was loving Lance today. Jeff saw a skateboard bench somewhere and decided to make one himself, so here is Lance testing it out:

If you look closely, you notice that his shirt is dark, that would be drool, it is so gross, I can't wait for this to slow up, it is so gross! I wish this cold would improve, he is drooling like crazy, very grumpy, has a yucky nose, isn't eating much, and did I mention grumpy. Oops, I am whining again. Today I win the bad daughter award. My mom was having gum surgery today and I totally forgot. I had planned to be available to take care of her today, but I forgot and was at the shop most of the day. I did run to the grocery and get some soft food for her. I hope to make it up to her tomorrow since I don't have any plans.

back and forth

Lance still has a waterfall flowing, now he has a nice little rash on his chest where moisture has been collecting, pretty gross. It is funny how on an hour to hour throughout the day I switch back and forth between wanting to have another baby and never wanting another one. One moment I was wishing for another little one because Lance is getting so big, but then when I was trying to cook dinner and had to put Lance in the hiking backpack so I could cook and I realized if there were two I would get NOTHING done. I would love to have two, but then when I talk to my poor friend Erica who has been caring for her son that has the stomach flu, I wonder can I deal with that with just one? I have also been thinking a lot about how to help Jeff with managing our finances. I wish I could take some of the burden off of him, but it is hard when there is no money to work with. I listened to a podcast of Andy Stanley's last week and he explained the importance of knowing cash flow and how Quicken is a great tool to getting control of your finances to create margin. I have no clue how we can get things in order especially with us not having a steady income. Well after an hour of trying to reconcile and get Quicken up-to-date I feel like I am cross-eyed and hope that I will never get this behind again. At least I hope. Lance did say a word tonight at dinner- no- he was throwing food on the floor and we told him no and he shook his head back at us and said "no." Despite the little bit of defiance, we were so excited he said a distinguishing word. He has said a few words before in mimic, but this time it wasn't just straight mimic, he shook his head while speaking, and it wasn't just different this time. So maybe there is hope that he will be talking one day, I was being to think that everything would just be da or barking like a dog.

another molar and yummy treats

Poor Lance he is a mess. There is a waterfall flowing from his nose and mouth. He was sneezing and coughing Monday night and I thought it was the beginning of a cold, but yesterday for some reason I reached in his mouth and felt the second lower molar just about through the gum. This is hopefully the cause of the runny nose and crazy behavior of the little guy. I am just amazed how Lance can go from laughing and dancing to screaming and crying. He is like Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde these last few days, but hopefully once these molars come in he will even out and be a bit happier.
This morning Lance and I decided to indulge and went the the bakery to get some donuts for breakfast, I had a longing for a blueberry cake donut. It was so good and Lance looked very cute sitting in the chair eye level to the table, but enjoying every bite of blueberry goodness. It was so bad, but yet so good. I am really enjoying the slower life of staying at home, and really staying at home. I need to get a little more done during the day, but it seems like all the projects I want to do involve money and we still don't have any.

72 hours of craziness and finding what was missing

Last week I was so frustrated, I tore most of my house apart looking for my bank card which I think little man stashed some where. I was extremely frustrated because I couldn't find it and I was going out of town. I wish I could say that I found it right before leaving, but we found it right after we got back. This morning while Jeff was changing Lance he saw the card near the changing table in Lance's room. Go figure, the only room I didn't tear apart looking for it because the last past I remember seeing it was downstairs, next time, I am going to search Lance's room first.
It is so good to be back, I had a great time at Erica's, but I couldn't handle Lance's whining and the lack of sleep anymore. We were suppose to leave today, but I packed up and headed out last night which I was very thankful, I got a good night sleep and feel much better. Lance on the other hand now has a yucky runny nose, but he is not whining and much happier. Our weekend was action packed. Saturday we drove up to Northern Virginia for a baby shower for a friend I use to teach with. It was so good to hang out with the old gang, if even for a few hours. The four of us use to do a lot together are first years teaching, and it isn't the same not having them in town. After the shower we headed up to Erica's house in Maryland. I tried to pressure Erica into taking the HOV lanes in D.C., but she wouldn't, maybe next time. We got back to her place and ordered dinner. I was so tired and not hungry but ate anyways and paid for it a little later. I was really nauseous and felt horrible an hour or two later and had a rough time going to sleep. I didn't throw up so that it is a positive. Lance and I didn't sleep well that night, but what are you going to do. Sunday we made breakfast and headed into Baltimore to go to the aquarium. We rode the metro into the city which was really fun for Colin and Lance and nicer than having to drive and use up my gas. The aquarium was nice, a little crowded, but fun, I am glad we went. I really enjoyed the sharks and flying foxes in the Australian exhibit, the bats were HUGE! We got back on the metro and headed back to Erica's. Christy packed up and headed home and Erica and I fixed dinner. We then got the babies all in bed and watched Rock of Love, that is the most ridiculous, but very entertaining tv show right now. We went to bed where I slept a little better than the last two nights, but just barely. Lance got up early for him and we got some breakfast and got ready to go shopping. We headed up to Gettysburg and got some good deals on clothes, I got quite a lot of fall clothes for Lance, he has none! It was a beautiful day for shopping at the outdoor mall, the only problem was Haden hated being inside the stores and would scream anytime Erica tried to shop. We ended up leaving abruptly because all 3 boys were grump and/or screaming. We ate lunch and napped a little and then headed to the orchard/petting zoo. The petting zoo was very entertaining. Colin chased after the sheep and geese, in fact, followed the geese right under the gate and gave Erica a heart attack because he followed them a little too far. Lance enjoyed the donkeys, goats, horse, rabbit, etc, but I was a bit freaked out over the emu that kept following us. After the orchard I helped Erica organize the boys rooms and after the 4th time that Lance took a bite out of Colin I was ready to be home. I am not usually a spur of the moment kind of girl, but I packed up and was out on the road in 20 minutes. I hated to leave so abruptly, but I couldn't take refereeing the boys and Lance's whining. We made it back home safely despite running over part of a deer a car in front of me hit and it being late. It was so good to sleep in my bed and sleep well. We had a fun time and can't wait to go back up in a month.

the mother of all camel crickets and preparations

Last night we went to Target to pick up a few things and upon returning I had a face-off with the mother of all camel crickets. I know that we have colonies of them in our crawlspace under the house and occasionally a few will venture in the house, but these are usually small ones, not giant Goliath size monsters. I had to continue to stare at this nasty thing until Jeff finally got in the house and found the appropriate weapon to kill this demon spawn who dare enter the playroom. It seemed to take Jeff forever, but I wasn't going to move because if it disappeared from sight then Jeff would not hunt it down and I might have to discover it again and I don't deal well with them. I won't mind them if they would stay in once place, move slowly, or just not jump so high, but they can really jump and they jump so randomly you never know where they might go. Anyways, after a few failed attempts, Jeff got it, but then left it in the middle of the room, I told him he needed to dispose of the body as well, it still looked like it could jump at me and I didn't want Lance messing with it today. Jeff fortunately got over his fear and threw it away, thank goodness, I wasn't going to touch it. I am very thankful that we found the camel cricket last night instead of today when I am going to be tearing apart this house to find all of the missing stuff. I am missing my bank card, Jeff is missing his ipod, and I am sure there are probably other things missing as well. We suspect that Lance is responsible for the missing items, or at least I hope he is. So today I am cleaning, organizing, and searching. Tomorrow is our big trip, well not really big, but a big deal. Lance and I are going out of town to a baby shower and to visit Erica, and the two of us haven't left town before, usually it is with someone else. We haven't ever ventured out alone because Lance has disliked the car from the beginning and it is stressful enough keeping him happy without having to try and navigate and drive, but hopefully this will be a positive event and we will be able to do it again. Also, here is this week in pictures.




Sunday was the bike race and Lance enjoys wearing daddy's bike helmet. I started Kids Life at church back up again and here are pictures of Lance enjoying a tea party. It is amazing how much he has changed in three months, before he just kind of walked around the room, but now he really interacted with the other kids and tried to figure out the pretend food. He did really good not throwing the food, if only he was that good with real food.




Also, we were invited to dinner at some friends' house this week, dinner was good, but Lance sustained a boo-boo after dinner. I was on their inverted climbing wall in their basement and Lance unfortunately was right under foot. I slipped and caused him to fall and hit his face on a tool he was playing with. I feel really bad, but I am also kind of frustrated at Jeff because he should have been holding Lance while I was on the wall,
but things happen, it does bother him, and we are
very fortunate it didn't get him in the eye.
Yesterday we went to a park to play and
Lance got eaten alive by mosquitoes, the poor
kid looks a mess right now, but I guess that
is part of being a toddler.

life's pretty dull right now

Nothing really exciting going on. Lance was not sleeping last week and I felt like I had a newborn again, but one that could screamed way too loud. The last two nights he is back to sleeping all night, thank goodness. I had a strange dream last night about my grandmother so I decided to go by and visit her since I have been a slacker and haven't seen her in such a long time. It is just hard because she has dementia, doesn't remember much and just repeats herself over and over. She never sees anybody, she is all alone, I am the first person she has talked to all year, she would be so much better if she was with family, and so on. It is very hard to stay long because she just repeats the same thing over and over and over again. You can't really talk to her or even try to have a conversation, because she "doesn't know a thing." I feel bad because she has nothing to live for, her husband of over sixty years is gone, her friends are gone, her home is gone, her mind/memory are gone, and she has no purpose. What is sad irony, her mind is going, but her body is healthy and it makes it hard when you think of people out there whose bodies are so helpless, but their minds are sharp. It is hard to go and visit her because it is the same thing over and over, but also because she isn't the person she use to be and though she is here physically she has been gone mentally for years. I woke up from my dream last night and felt really sad, I really missed my grandparents, and I wished there was something I could do for Gram, I wish she had peace.
I am kind of frustrated right now, I can't seem to get anything done and once it is done it gets undone. I keep trying to clean up and organize but little man keeps undoing everything and when organizing, more mess gets made. I also lost my bank card and I am very frustrated because I can't find it anywhere and I really need to find it. I also am trying to figure out what to do about my business, do I want to expand or keep it grassroots, I am not in it to make loads of money, more to just provide people with baby carriers at the local level. Everything combined just makes me overwhelmed, I just need to get a couple things done and I think I would feel better. I am also a little anxious because I am trying to trust that all of our bills this month will be paid, it is a very tough think to let it all go, but I don't really have much choice. Well it is naptime and something needs to get done.

getting stuff done

I was in a such a fog yesterday, I was extremely tired, grumpy, I didn't get anything done, the store was a mess after Lance was there, our house was a mess, and I felt like I got nothing accomplished. Fortunately Jeff realized that Lance and I at the store might not be such a good idea, it really cuts down on the time that he has at the shop, lance gets into everything at the shop, lance's nap is interrupted, and mommy isn't the happiest camper having to pack up lunch, pack'n'play, toys, etc for a few hours. I am getting a lot done today, a decent night's sleep helps a lot. I don't know if it helped, but we moved lance's crib into our bedroom last night in hopes that maybe that would help lance sleep since the previous three nights he had been getting up a lot. Lance slept pretty well last night, he got up at 5:30 which was a major improvement. I hope we can return to sleeping all night. Lance is also getting a good nap today which has allowed me to clean the laundry room, kitchen, living room, and dining room. I feel so much better having everything put away, even though it will get messed up again very soon.

i am actually glad i'm not at the beach

So we didn't get to go to the beach this week, but I am not bummed about it anymore. I am always trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and if something doesn't work out it isn't necessarily a bad thing, well that definitely holds true for the beach trip. I am so thankful that we didn't go because I feel gross and tired and I would not be enjoying the beach. Also, Lance has not been sleeping well and a total grump so I don't think it would have been challenging with him and far from home.
Today Lance and I went to the shop to work for a few hours so Jeff could stay at his morning job longer and I don't know how I feel about our new schedule. We head to the shop at naptime and trying to get ready to go with a grumpy baby is difficult when all he really wants to do is go to bed. I also had to get some things done before I left because I knew I would be tired and lazy when I got home which is true. I am very tired and not motivated to do anything. It was disappointing to be on a roll with cleaning and organizing and have to pack up and leave. I know I need to be thankful, but I so enjoy being at home and staying there and not have to drag Lance everywhere, maybe one day we can have a schedule and actually stay at home.
I wish there was a real "easy" button that we could use. I am stressed and very discouraged because we are behind in bills and have no money. I hate being in debt and not able to put much money into savings. It always seems when money is tight there are tons of bills that need to be paid and my want list gets longer and longer. I am tired of treading water and wish we had a lifesaver to help us keep our head above water.

is it a cold?

or just allergies? I just don't know. My ears feel stuffy, my nose is kind of stuffy, my head feels funny, my nose is runny, and I wish it would just go away. I don't know whether I have a cold or allergies. I took some claritin and I don't know whether it helps or not. It is weird how I will feel good some moments, but not so good at others. I am very disappointed because we canceled our reservations for the sunspree resort beach trip, I am very sad. I understand that we don't have money to spend on going to the beach, but it is sad that my week of work is not going to something fun or rewarding, bills, how much fun is that. In church, Paul said that sometimes something has to die for something else to be born, so I hope there is something better on the horizon. So things kind of stink right now, we are broke, really broke, can't pay the bills broke, I don't feel that great, we aren't going to the beach, we aren't doing a lot of business at the shop, we found out that Play-It-Again down the street is going to be carry a brand we tried to pick up, and I am going to have to start working at the shop more this week. Every time things get bad they get better and I think we are on the upward swing and it can't get any worse and it does. I hate not being able to fix things. I wish we could get a billboard from God that tells us what to do next, keep trucking or pack up.